Vampire Syndrome

Today I took a big walk with my dog, in the sun. Even with a hat on and my skin covered up, I felt I was putting myself in harm's way. I thought, I am a vampire. I am someone who loves the dark. BUT, I also felt as if I were visiting a long lost friend.

The sun and I had had a long relationship....me laying out in it, feeling the warm rays on my skin....and thinking that sunscreen would protect me. Days and days and years and years of sun. Melanoma changed all that....

I like shady cloud covered days...ones where I feel there are less dangerous UV rays coming down. I am jealous of people who sit out in the sun, unaware of its dangers.

What does 2014 have in store for me? Will I continue to be a worshipper of the dark? Will I continue to have vampire syndrome? Somehow I will make peace with the sun....I will not feel every ray is out to get me! 

After all, the sun helps plants grow...and it makes beautiful sunrises and sunsets. The sun and I will continue to have an awkward and reluctant relationship.

Christmas Wish

After reading about this woman, I had to share and post a blog today, 2 days before Christmas.

I do not know who reads my blog, so here is a recap. 3 years, my family and I spent Christmas thinking it would be my last Christmas with my family. I had a diagnosis of stage IV melanoma. According to the National Institute of Health "The prognosis for patients with distant metastases is generally poor, with historical 5-year survival rates of less than 10%."

Therefore, I definitely had thoughts about how my husband and daughter would love without me. During treatments I prayed that my husband would find love again if I were to pass.

I think that when one is close to dying we have intuitions as to how to move on peacefully. Those who know me even better, know I believe in Angelic Help....I know we have angels who will guide us through the hard times.

This beautiful woman definitely is an angel now and this story is so beautiful!!

I will continue to pray for those who are fighting cancer right now, as cancer does not take a Christmas Vacation. Cancer keeps going through all days....and it is a horrible nemesis for us to face. It is no longer an "old" person's disease. It takes mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters from us.

When I tell my family I do not want anything for Christmas....I mean it, as I have survived and I live, 3 years after thinking I would gone and they would be dealing with facing life without me.


Peace and Love to you all out there!! & a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!



(Not that I am the most important person in the world, but I sure love my family!!)

 

Benda Schmitz... passed away from cancer and left her family an awesome wish for happiness in her absence.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/two-years-after-she-passed-away-a-woman-gives-her-family-an

Belonging to the "Club"

I am a reluctant member of the melanoma club. I did not want to join, but fate and hours of sunbathing as a young person (in my teens and 20s) qualified me as I received the horrible news of being diagnosed with stage IV melanoma in December  of 2010.

It really struck this weekend, as I began to notice all of the hundreds of us who have been affected by melanoma cancer. I have SO MANY cyber friends that are a part of this club. We often call ourselves "melahomies."  Some of us have passed away....some of us are actively fighting....and some of us are blessed to be NED.

BUT, there are too many us. I HATE cancer. I HATE what cancer did to my family. I HATE that my family had to watch me go through the horrific treatments. I HATE that so many people do not make it through the treatments and or their cancer wins...because melanoma is a malevolent force and can be resistant to traditional medicine. 

I try so hard to be a positive person, but sometimes I feel angry at cancer and I feel angry to be a part of the melanoma club. Ignorance is bliss....and I am not ignorant about melanoma.

I will always pay a lot in medical bills as I need to be constantly monitored as melanoma likes to return. I will always feel the hole in my left armpit, and the numbness on my left side from the removal of the tumor that had wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve. Most people will not know I went through any of that....

I hope a day comes that I do not think about cancer....but that day is not today.

I am comforted that if I had a reoccurrence I have so many people to support me and my family...and I will continue to reach out to other people in the "melanoma club." I am grateful to be alive.

"Cancer- Anniversary"

I usually think of an anniversary as being something to celebrate. It is a time to eat cake, and drink a glass of wine and really celebrate!!

This week is the anniversary of my diagnosis of stage IV melanoma. For Thanksgiving in 2010 I had the realization that it may be my last Thanksgiving. I was sacred stiff. I did not have courage....I  had FEAR. It was the worst fear a person could have is to think he or she will not be around for their child anymore. That was the fear that filled my body and spirit.

Now, many of you know how my story turned out....and obviously I am HERE to tell the tale of fighting cancer.

I post this to say that everyday I am THANKFUL to be here. I am so very thankful to be here and to be able to spread my story of hope. In this day and age, a stage IV diagnosis does not mean death.

BUT, for some....who do not make it, I send hugs and prayers to those families. I do not know why I am here and others are not. I do not know.....and it saddens me.

For those who are facing cancer..... keep the faith and for those who are caregivers...THANK YOU!!

Blessings to all fighting cancer!!!

Memories

        The brain works in mysterious ways. Yesterday I was listening to music and heard a song by Train. Now most people know how much I LOVE the Dave Matthews Band, but I do listen to other bands. Mom and I would listen to a great live CD of Train while driving to Santa Monica to see my doctors. My favorite song during treatment was "Calling All Angels" by Train. I prayed and prayed that Angels would help me through my painful treatments and that Angels would help my family if I did not survive.

        I hear Train's lead singer, Patrick Monahan, and I think of those very scary drives to Santa Monica. It was a 2 hour one way drive from Mom's house. We spent a lot of time in traffic. It was too much time to wonder if the scans would come back showing the cancer was going away. We could never be sure.

        This last summer I drove on the 405 freeway, right past the Wilshire Blvd exit for the Angeles Clinic. I was sick to my stomach. Memories came flooding back.

Fighting cancer is something that will always be with me. You cannot see the scars that I feel everyday. You cannot even tell I was sick. I like it that way.

   I will always send angel cards to those fighting cancer. I do not care what kind of cancer it is, CANCER SUCKS!!!

    I do not have any BIG epiphanies to share.... just sharing helps me feel better. The ghost of cancer is never far from my mind.... yet I will go out today and celebrate that I am alive!!

Have A great Saturday!!

Go get your feet wet!

Getting Older

Lately, I have been thinking about getting older. When I was diagnosed with cancer I did not think that I would see my 41st birthday.... I did not know if I was going to age anymore. 
When I was really sick I stopped thinking about anything other than beating cancer and how would my family deal with my death?

So, the other day, when I got my pictures from our school photo day, I thought, " I sure look wrinkly and old!" And then, I thought, that is GREAT!!  I am ageing!!

I saw an older couple today, walking hand in hand, and thought, " My husband and I get to be old together."

Ageing is okay with me. I will get wrinkled. I will see my daughter graduate high school. I will get older. And that is good with me! I am happy to be here!

Blessings for all those who are fighting cancer and all those who are caregivers to fighters. Cancer SUCKS and yet, there are those of us who have beat it!! 

HUGS to Everyone!!

And a special CONGRATULATIONS to Chelsea on getting married!! She did not let a cancer diagnosis get her down!!

Everyday Life

I was cleaning my kitchen this morning, and I was thinking about how, like all other Moms, I sometimes get annoyed at doing chores....then I remember not being able to hardly walk 6 feet to a bathroom. I am here, I am doing my chores, I am cooking for my family, I am laughing with my daughter at silly animal videos on Youtube....

In 2011, I did not know if I was going to survive.


My life today is somewhat normal....we are back to normal routines of school, cooking, and laundry. The daily activities that fill so many houses...yet in our house, there is the memory of facing cancer. My husband and I are very good friends and we were discussing how we feel we are just now recovering from the shock of cancer, losing our home, and moving. Along with that, our daughter suffered severe depression and we almost lost her to suicide. 2011 was a doozy of a BAD YEAR for the Bowen Family.

Why do I bring this up? Why do I continue to post pictures of myself sick and fighting cancer....why?

I know there are people out there right now, fighting some kind of cancer. It may not be melanoma, it may be breast cancer, ovarian cancer, or lung cancer. I am here to share HOPE for those fighting. I am here to let people know that some of us live after a death sentence was handed down. I pray DAILY for those who are actively fighting this UGLY - UGLY disease: CANCER.

My life will always have the before cancer time and the after cancer time. I will do my best to be thankful for today, to be grateful I can stand and clean the kitchen and chop veggies for a delicious soup for my family.

And if my test results came back and I had a recurrence, I would fight like hell again. I certainly hope I do not have to do that...but I am a FIGHTER!

I am grateful for all my melahomies out there....while we have not met in person, I know you are all praying that my tests indicate I am still NED.

Learning from Cancer

What have I learned from cancer?

Some of these realizations I never wanted to have....others were very life affirming.

1st) things I never wanted to face. DEATH. This week my best friend's best furry friend died. Her kitty was her companion and he had to be put down. it was unexpected and extremely sad. It made me think that life can be so fleeting and fragile. Sometimes people are diagnosed with cancer and the last is in its last stages of ravaging the body. Families are taken totally by surprise and find themselves without their father, mother, daughter, son, or brother or sister. Cancer often blindsides those who get it.

When I was in the trenches fighting, I knew that I could die. I knew it! I had moments that I knew my family would have to deal with all that comes with losing a loved one. My twin sister would no longer have a twin sister alive. My little sister would no longer have 2 big twin sisters. My husband and daughter would no longer have a mom and wife. I knew death was near.

I prayed for my family to have the strength to carry on..... this is me after my last bio-chemo treatment. I was healing and gathering strength for surgery.

2) the other realization I have had is that life goes on after cancer. It does..... yet, I will ALWAYS be a cancer SURVIVOR! I will always live today to the fullest!  I will TRY to be kind to people, even if they piss me off, because, not everyone has gone through cancer. If they had, they would know what it is like to face death. They would know what it like to think of how you are going to say good bye to your daughter. Perhaps these people would be kinder... I don't know.

What am I trying to say?  BE NICE. BE KIND......  

BE GRATEFUL!

I am well aware I beat the odds and I live my days in honor of those who had to say goodbye. For Jillian and for Tina,  for all the families out there who are now without.  

RAISE AWARENESS that "just skin cancer" can KILL. 

PRAY for the doctors and scientists who are developing a VACCINE to fight this ugly cancer!

AT LEAST FOR TODAY, I will LIVE a life that is KIND to others and BE grateful I am here.

This is my Hubby & I at the Dave Matthews Band Concert at Tahoe. Doing what we love to do!! 

Me, Sick??

February 2011

 April 2011

June 2011

 December 2011

 May 2012

People look at me today and never know I almost died from cancer. As I look at pictures from treatment days, I am also amazed I went through such hell to be here today. 

I call my blog "Back to Life", from a 90s song from a band called Soul to Soul. 

"back to life, back to reality , back to life, back to reality, 

back to the here and now"

I am back to life. BUT, my life is forever altered by cancer. It was no ordinary, popular cancer that almost took me. & please do not get me wrong, I have LOST FRIENDS to breast cancer..I praise the PINK Campaign for the awareness it has brought to cancer. The cancer that almost took me is MELANOMA.  That's right, skin cancer. 

BUT, if you meet me today you cannot see my scars, you cannot tell I have lifelong neuropathy on the left side of my body from the massive amounts of chemotherapy and immunotherapy drugs and the limited use of my left arm from surgery. You cannot tell.... I like it that way most of the time.

I will always share a message of HOPE to those who need it and to those who are fighting cancer. My story is one of SURVIVING AGAINST THE ODDS!

Was I ever too sick to eat more than a 1/2 of a cup of apples sauce in 10 days? yep

Was I ever so sick I could hardly walk 5 feet to a bathroom?  yep

Am I well enough to enjoy a game of lazer tag with my daughter and stepson?  YES I AM!!

& today I am grateful for that and I pray for the WARRIORS fighting.....  

Sending hugs to all my melahomies out there. 

Sincerely,

Strong Steph

Jealous

I try really hard to be positive. My goal is to live with an attitude of gratitude. BUT, jealousy has been on my mind.  I am jealous of people who have not had to deal with cancer.

When you look at me you cannot see my scars. They are too deep and under the skin, literally. The surgery was more than 2 years ago, May 9, 2011.

Some of the notes from this procedure are, " This was a long and difficult operation because of the desmoplastic reaction secondary to the biochemotherapy, but we were very pleased that we had a clean resection outside the fascial planes encompassing the tumor. We are hopeful that with this procedure, the patient will be rendered free of disease with her advanced malignant melanoma with a combination of biochemotherapy and surgery. Blood loss was estimated at about 100 ml. The specimens sent to pathology consisted of an en bloc axillary dissection."


Looking "Normal" is acceptable for me, as looking like a cancer patient was not fun either. People look at you with pity. People do not know how much my left arm hurts due to the invasion surgery to remove the cancer. I save my complaints for my hubby, (THANKS DEAR!!) yet I am very weak and say if I swim I swim like Nemo, with one arm and in circle.

So, I am envious of people who live cancer free. People who go about their business, not knowing if a new pain is a reoccurence. People who do not worry about their next scans.

I live with cancer. I will always be a stage IV melanoma patient. I am fortunate to be GRATEFUL to be NED. (No Evidence of Disease). Melanoma patients do not use the word remission.

Most days I go about my daily business, plan meals for my family, think about my classroom, think about my family. BUT, melanoma is ALWAYS lurking in the shadows of my mind. I PRAY it will not reappear in my body. I am saddened by the losses in the melanoma community...so many young people. AND the youngest of all is about to pass from melanoma. A sweet 2 year old who is the only case of melanoma being passed during pregnancy.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/arizona-baby-melanoma-mothers-womb-alive/story?id=18922718

BASICALLY, CANCER SUCKS!!

Staying Strong

Excerp from 1 of the many pages from my medical papers:

" Gentlemen:

This is a letter in follow-up on care for Miss Stephanie Bowen who was seen initially at our clinic on January 3, 2011 for metastic malignant melanoma, N!B with lung metastases. As discussed, she was started on biochemotherapy due to the high growth fraction of her tumor, and for improvement of morbidity.

...

[At this point a lot of medical terms are used to decribe my condition and my reaction to the treatments.] 

We feel fortunate that things have fallen into place appropriately for Stephanie, and will continue to keep you informed of her progress."

This last Monday, 2 days ago, another warrior lost his fight with melanoma. His body was unable to handle the treatments, yet his spirit kept going on.

I know I am blessed to be here. I do not know why I am here, but, I am here.  Melanoma is ferioucious and I always have a shadow of fear that it will return. These days I enjoy my status of NED. While I stay strong....others are literally fighting for their lives. Some do not win this battle with CANCER. SOME PEOPLE LOSE.  IT is extremely SAD. SAD does not even express how one feels when we hear that a warrior has died.

Many of my adventures this summer are dedicated to fellow warriors. I try to raise awareness whenever I am able. I stay strong for those who are fighting.

May angels look after those left behind. May angels look after those who are fighting.

Take care of your skin!

SUNBURN!!

PS, This post is a follow up to my last post. 

SUNBURNS ARE BAD! 

This is what happened to my very own daughter on a "CLOUDY DAY."  YES, you can get a sunburn on an overcast day.  This was an overcast and cool day in Huntington Beach last month.   My response to my daughter is one I will not put in writing. It was along the lines of "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE ##** KIDDIN' ME!!!!!"


So my fellow sun worshippers, every sunburn you get increases your chances of getting melanoma as an adult. I won't throw stats at you, just know that MELANOMA is BAD. Melanoma is CANCER and it KILLS.


Please protect yourselves on these sunny days. I know my daughter regretted this burn and does not want me to get MAD at her again.

MELANOMA IS MORE than SKIN CANCER!!

Moving On with LIFE

Well, I am now a bit over 2 years out of cancer treatments. I am EXTREMELY BLESSED to be one of the few with a stage IV diagnosis who is still ALIVE. My philosophy has been to keep going forward, no matter how hard it seems.

When I was sick, I hunkered down into the horrific treatments of biochemotherapy. My body was broken down to its last bits of strength. I could barely walk 10 feet without being totally exhausted. Getting dressed to go to the doctor took all my energy for the day. I needed a wheelchair to get around after treatments.When people saw me, they looked away...it is hard to see someone dying.

BUT, I MADE IT!

My advice to anyone going through cancer treatment is to look to the future. What will you do when you are out of treatment? I always thought of the things I would do when I got through. Granted, I am now just getting my energy back. It has taken 2 years to recover. I did it! My hubby and I went to Glacier National Park and we had always wanted to go there!

We are busy living life,and even though my body took a toll from chemo and I have arthritic conditions in my hips that was exaggerated due to the cancer treatment, I will keep moving forward!

I send my love and support to all people facing cancer. I pray constantly for people who are struggling right now with cancer.

When you hear the words of a cancer diagnosis and see a doctor look at you with a SAD-SAD face....and you do not know if you are going to see your next birthday, your heart is broken. Your heart breaks for your family and those that may have to bury you and go on living after you have passed. I cannot express the sadness of that feeling. I faced that and I have come out the other side.There is no telling how long I will be NED, as melanoma is life long diagnosis & lifelong fight.

BE assured, I will fight like HELL again if I need to, and until then I will enjoy LIFE!

Teens & the Sun

 I NEED to share about why it is SO IMPORTANT that we in the melanoma community continue to encourage laws are passed preventing teens from using tanning beds. My family thinks I need a new job as a sunscreen police. BUT, let's not lose our heads here!

As an educator, I have studied brain development of teenagers. Teenagers do not have fully developed frontal lobes. This means they are unable to fully understand consequences of their actions. That is why we adults need to limit and prevent teens access to dangerous things, such as alcohol, tobacco, and tanning beds. Teenagers are literally challenged by their lack of brain development. It's just science.

My very own daughter and niece, who watched me almost DIE from "skin cancer" went out on a cloudy day and were horribly sunburned!  Even after a lecture from me, and after being given sunscreen, and told to simply stay out of the sun, they came home from a day on the beach with SUN BURNS.

In Southern California the term "June Gloom" describes the weather in June because of the marine layer that covers the beaches. This foggy and cool weather fools people into thinking they cannot get sunburned. This is FALSE SECURITY. You can still end up looking like Barbie. It is nothing to smile about Barbie!  You are ruining your skin and increasing your risk of cancer with every burn.

For those who think teenagers can decide for themselves, well...not even teens in my own family were able to make smart sun choices. AS the adults, we need to guide teens in safe sun use. I have a picture of my daughter's burn and will post the image at a later date. For now, I want to remind everyone of the how the UV rays hurt us.

Please cover up, even in June Gloom......a sunburn may last longer than you think 

with a diagnosis of melanoma. 

SHADE: The Best Sunscreen

With summer here for many us, we all will be hading to the beach, or out camping, or just to our gardens and decks. BUT, we need to remember to cover up.  Being a skin cancer survivor I make a point to learn about and use sunscreen. Therefore, I am going to get a little bit preachy with you today!  The teacher in me is coming out to school ya!!

What I have learned is  the following:

• We all need broad sprectrum sunscreen. The protects us from all types of UV rays, the ones that burn and the ones that cause cancer.
• Reapply every 2 hours with about an ounce. BE GENEROUS.
• The newest info says that NO SUNSCREEN IS WATERPROOF. FDA has passed regulations telling sunscreen companies they cannot say that their sunscreen is waterproof or waterproof.
• The shorter your shadow, the more damaging the sun.
• USE SHADE, CLOTHING, AND HATS TO COVER UP WHILE OUTSIDE.  (Yes, I have heard some women say they do not want "hat head", but let me tell you, skin cancer is much harder to deal with than messing up your hair.
• ANY "TAN" IS AN INDICATION OF SKIN DAMAGE.
• With every sunburn a person gets, his or her chance of melanoma increases, drastically.

SEEK SHADE:   shade is an orginal and natural kind of sunscreen. Stay in the shade for extra protection.

Please go to http://www.skincancer.org/prevention/sun-protection/shade/seek-the-shade#panel1-3

for more definitive information about shade and any other topics concerning the sun and your skin.

The bottom line is this: too much sun is NOT a healthy practice like we thought. Getting a tan, is not healthy. Melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer and so many more people are being diagnosed with this disease. TAKE CARE of the skin your in. LOVE your pale complexion. Take vitamin D supplements.

BE SUN SMART, YOUR LIFE

MAY DEPEND ON IT!

ouch......

Carpe Diem

I write this on the last day of Melanoma Awareness Month. I am PROUD to say I feel that more people are becoming aware of Melanoma Cancer....and it is being know as more than "just skin cancer."
I realize my activism is a bit much for people, but I remember those dark days of battling cancer with every ounce of my being.....lying in a bed, looking at the skyline of Los Angeles.....  hoping I made it through the BRUTAL bio-chemotherapy treatments.   I MADE IT!


UNFORTUNATELY, so many people do not make it. SO many people have to say good bye to their families...Jillian, Tina, and so many others I cannot remember all the names. SO MANY that at a melanoma rally/fundraiser there are about only 5 purple survivor shirts in the crowd of 200. TOO MANY people diagnosed with this completely preventable disease. PREVENTION  is SO MUCH easier than the FIGHT.

That is why I want to talk a bit about Carpe Diem.  My motto is really about CARPE DIEM. I need to sieze every moment and LIVE. I need to live like I could be diagnosed again and leave behind my family, my beautiful daughter and my sweet hubby. My twin sister, my mother, my younger sister.....are all people who suffered so much watching me battle.

So, IN HONOR of those who did not make it, I will CARPE DIEM. My hubby surprised me by saying "Let's go to Montana." I cried my eyes out, thinking of all the wonderful car trips we have had, SO HAPPY we will have more!!

As summer approaches, I hope YOU ALL CARPE DIEM!!  I wish Chelsea Price a WONDERFUL WEDDING!  I WISH Melissa Collins a GREAT time watching her daughter graduate high school!! I wish ROSE Seaman a wonderful summer at Tina's Place, celebrating melanoma cancer survivors in honor of her BEAUTIFUL daughter who left us TOO EARLY.  I know my melahomies in Australia, Jennifer and Kye will have a FANTASTIC Winter....(you have opposite seasons, right?) AND HUGS for every NEW MELAHOMIE I meet via the internet, Denny in Georgia, you make me smile every day, Susan in the Bay Area....YOU ARE A TRUE WARRIOR.

CARPE DIEM with the ones you love this summer!!

Every Month is Melanoma Awareness Month for Me!

As May comes to its last week, I feel sad that Melanoma Awareness month is ending.

For me, every month is for Melanoma Awareness!

I attended my first AIM fundraising walk in Alameda, CA. It was a great event. I met Samantha and Valerie...founding family of AIM. They had lost their sister / daughter 10 years ago to melanoma.  It was very sobering that out of the (around) 150 people, there were about only  5-6 survivors. It reminded how horrible the odds are for people who are diagnosed with melanoma.  The survival rate for my diagnosis, past 5 years is 10%. frightening. I did meet another stage IV survivor.

It is my 2 year anniversary being NED.

Stage I patients can go to stage IV in a heartbeat. I have read countless stories of people having a primary spot removed, being told it is gone, to receive a stage IV diagnosis later.  I think that is why everyone and anyone who has had melanoma stays strong together. We support each other, no diagnosis is too small to push aside and not be important.


Melanoma is melanoma.

With Memorial day here, the National Council on Skin Cancer Prevention has announced that tomorrow is "Don't Fry Day!"  Check out http://skincancerprevention.org/programs/dont-fry-day for more info.

Please do not try to get a base tan for the summer. Please love the skin your are in...even if you are as pale as a ghost.  Hail the Pale!

Remember, melanoma is more than skin cancer....the treatments are horrible and do not always work. For me, it did, and I will continue to help raise awareness for this disease. It is way more than just "skin cancer."

Here is what treatment is for "just skin cancer."

Well, EXCUSE ME!

I have realized that my new attitude towards life, post cancer, is one of "Don't Mess with ME!" I do not have the patience to put up with nonsense. Life is really too short! I have always been one to speak my mind and now it is even so much more a part of who I am.

The last visit I had with my doctor, he ordered tests and wanted me to see him in June. I thought, no way, that is too long for someone with my diagnosis. I went April 1st and got my tests done and called his office asking for the results. I have to take care of ME.

I hope you do not wait for an experience with death to live an honest life. Live life like you mean it! 

So, if I say something that offends you, EXCUSE ME, I fought HARD to stay alive and I do not have time for your ****!!

It is important to move through life and have no regrets and do what you want! 

What is important to you?



Base Tan?? REALLY?!!?

Alright....think you need a base tan? I used to think the same way. As a young person, as above in my prom picture with my twin sister, being TAN was the way to be! I grew up in a time when people tanned....I think it was even kind of a sport. How tan can you get? If you were not tan...well, time to lay out on the sand and COOK.

One year, I needed to keep a "BASE TAN" because it was winter. SO, a friend of mine got me a job at her brother's tanning salon. REALLY? A tanning salon in Southern California?? SERIOUSLY?? I used those death machines.

Let me show can happen to you while you are trying to maintain your tan or get a base tan in a tanning bed.

OK, this is me, 2 years ago. I can hardly look at these pictures without crying. I did 5 rounds of bio-chemotherapy. The 5 drugs used to save my life were IL-2, Interferon, Cisplatin, Vistplatin, and Temodar. These drugs were given to at the SAME TIME for 5 day stretches. I completed 3 rounds and had a break down in my doctor's office. I just could not take anymore. The drugs felt like glass shards entering my body. I would hardly eat 1/2 cup of applesauce in a 14 day period. I was dying. Either the cancer or the treatment was going to kill me.

SO, is a base tan worth it?According to SkinCancer.org

"No matter what you may hear at tanning salons, the cumulative damage caused by UV radiation can lead to premature skin aging (wrinkles, lax skin, brown spots, and more), as well as skin cancer. In fact, indoor ultraviolet (UV) tanners are 74 percent more likely to develop melanoma than those who have never tanned indoors."

I was stage IV M1c:   The tumor has metastasized to organs other than the lungs, and serum LDH is normal, OR  There are any distant metastases with elevated LDH

And survival rates?  According to AIM at Melanoma:

Why LDH Levels Are Important

Compared with the survival of patients with normal LDH levels, patients with abnormal LDH levels have significantly worse overall survival. The respective 1-, 2-, and 5 year survival rates were: (2)

Abnormal LDH - 33%, 18%, 10%

Well,I am still here!! 2 years in REMISSION, NED!!

I have my hair back!!  I have hips again!!  (not bony ones...lots to love kind!)

That is why I will never lose:

KEEP FIGHTING ALL YOU WARRIORS!!

Why Me?

For me, it has been the fact that I am a cancer patient. I am in remission, but I do still see a doctor quite frequently. I often feel jealous of healthy people! I think "WHY ME!?!" What did I do to deserve this?

Now I think, how in the hell did I survive?? Why did I get to live while so many others die? How did my body tolerate 5 of the most toxic drugs out there? How on earth did I get through it all?

Well, Heavenly Father helped me....my Angels watched over me.....and PRAYERS. I do believe in the power of prayer. Each day I pray for those who are still battling cancer.

I pray for them to find the strength to tolerate the intense drugs. The interferon, the IL-2, the chemotherapy and all the numerous side affects that are freakin HORRIBLE!!! 

SO, why did I live?  I AM A FIGHTER!  I AM STRONG!!!  
For those of you who are fighting....FIGHT ON!
For those of you who have lost a loved one....I know they are in heaven. And it sucks they are no longer here.....their suffering is over. I almost left my physical body and went there myself....

PEACE to ALL Warriors!! 

Facing the Unfaceable...

What if....?  What is I got cancer? What if I had little chance to survive? What if a loved one were given this horrible news?

WHAT IF I had to face the unfaceable?

Cancer is just one of the very challenging obstacles that a person can face in his/her life. I had to face this challenge.  You never know how you will do it until you are put right in the middle of the hell. This essay is purely my opinion based on my experiences with cancer. I feel that facing a serious illness is similar to the grieving process, because I know I grieved the healthy life I thought I was leading and dove straight into doctor's offices, exam rooms, white coats, hospital beds.....being poked with needles for blood work and having a double port. I had to immediately leave behind my life of skiing, family, teaching for a life of blood work, home health care hydration and a quick fast course in chemistry and biology of my body and cancer.

When you hear that something may be fatal and or debilitating a person may immediately think of the activities in life you may miss out on. You think about your child's high school graduation or wedding. You think about how you may have missed the opportunity to make peace with someone you care about.  AND, of course, there is SHOCK!


It is easy to think that life as you know it is over. I definitely still feel that way when I think about my love of my mountain bike. I would take this beautiful ride from my house, to Lake Alpine and swim. Then I would ride fast back down to Bear Valley and home!  My summers were definitely full of these adventurous activities and I even did a mini-triathlon! I was almost last, but I did it!!

Then....cancer. Cancer that would kill me. REALLY??? 

Why Me? Did I deserve this? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Then, How the hell do I kick cancer's ass, because I am NOT GOING DOWN without a FIGHT!!!

So, my fight began...the search for a speicalist, the treatments that took me to deaths door, yet they were supposed to "get easier," HA to that!

And recovery....regaining my stamina and energy to LIVE.

I remember telling myself I would face whatever the outcome with DIGNITY and COURAGE. Whether that was to be death or survival. There were many times I did not know which path I would finally take.

My goal today is to keep the fear of a reoccurence at bay...not to let the fear take over my life. I may not mountain bike again, but I have skied!  I even hit some black diamond runs! It was exhilarating.

I think one way I got through cancer treatments was to think of the future and all the things I would do!  Sometimes I am still jealous of people who do not have to think about cancer and I seriously wish I was not in the chemo club or a melahomie!  But I am....and today I will hold my head up high and share my story and hopefully help others to continue to HOPE for miracles. I know I am a walking miracle.

Thanks for your time!! And remember:

HANG IN THERE!

At pyschcentral you can read more about the stages of grieve:

 http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

The 5 stages are 1) Denial Isolation 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4)Depresion 5) Acceptance.

Melanoma: Back to life after stage IV melanoma: If I knew then what I know now.....

Melanoma: Back to life after stage IV melanoma: If I knew then what I know now.....: I am fairly certain that most people my age, 43, look back and think about how they could have done things different. I would have NOT eaten...

If I knew then what I know now.....

I am fairly certain that most people my age, 43, look back and think about how they could have done things different. I would have NOT eaten so many chicken wings in my 20s.  I would have not said those hurtful words in anger.

I would NOT have spent SO much time laying out in the sun, trying to keep my fair skin tan. Even though I grew up where everyone was tan...I would have done it different.

How does a teenager even comprehend how their actions will affect their adult life?  Anyone over 25 is OLD. How do we inform teenagers that it is SO very dangerous to engage in certain activities such drinking and driving, having unprotected sex, and TANNING? How does tanning even fit into this category?  Well, it does!  The facts are overwhelming.

AS I read in one of the melanoma awareness blogs I keep track at :

http://blackispink.blogspot.com/2013/04/does-tanning-ban-deny-parental-rights.html

I realize how important it is to continue to share with people howdangerous skin cancer is! Melanoma is SO extremely dangerous! 

As stated on the webpage for the Skin Cancer Foundation:  http://www.skincancer.org/prevention/tanning

"MELANOMA SOARS AMONG YOUNG ADULTS

 A new study has revealed an alarming rise in melanoma among people aged 18 to 39: over the past 40 years, rates of this potentially deadly skin cancer grew by 800 percent among young women and 400 percent among young men. Researchers examined data on the 256 young adults in Olmstead County, MN, who were diagnosed with melanoma between 1970 and 2009."

If I knew now what I know now...... I would not tan with baby oil for hours on the beach until I was baked and burned!  I would not have used that tanning bed to accelerate my "tan"!  I would want to know how I would be fighting for my life in 2011 and that all my efforts to tan would end me up like this:

to eventually this:

to my last round of bio chemo:

to having this after the surgery to remove the dead tumor:

So, please do not tell me that skin cancer is only skin cancer.... and let us all protect people from the dangers of tanning...because I am 1 out of 5 stage IV survivors....who is alive to talk.

peace out!

Sharing

I want to revisit a topic: to share or not to share?  I HAD cancer. I was very sick. I SURVIVED!  Why do I share this with people?  Mostly because I never know if who I meet will have a friend or family member suffering with cancer treatment. I never know and I want to share HOPE. I also want to spread awareness that melanoma is more than skin cancer. When people hear that I am a skin cancer survivor they nod...like, whatever! If I say melanoma survivor, there is a bigger reaction.

Survivor Steph, wow, I have a round head!!

My goal is to always be proud of my survivor status!  I endured one of the most difficult cancer treatments on the planet. I was taken to the brink of death. I want others to know the dangers of tanning, and that there is HOPE.


My battle with cancer will always be a part of who I am. I am GRATEFUL for every extra day I have on this planet with my husband, daughter, and family. They are my reason for fighting SO HARD.

PS. my book is avalaible for Kindle @ Amazon  "My Journey with Melanoma" by Stephanie Bowen

Treatment Options

I have been thinking about this for a couple of weeks as I also am on the What Next American Cancer Society's support page. It seems that many people who are new to the world of melanoma have a hard time deciding what to do and what treatments are out there. I am not a doctor, I am an informed patient and survivor of melanoma.

The first thought I want to share is the plethora of resources online:

The Melanoma Research Foundation @ http://www.melanoma.org/ is a great place to start. Or the Skin Cancer Foundation @ http://www.skincancer.org/skin-cancer-information/melanoma
The John Wayne Cancer Center @ http://www.jwci.org/cancer-info.aspx
Of course, MD Anderson @ http://www.mdanderson.org/patient-and-cancer-information/care-centers-and-clinics/care-centers/melanoma-skin/index.html

I think the most important decision is to get good information and go to a specialist!  Some doctors will recommend interferon or IL-2 treatments. Some doctors will have access to the new drugs, like Yervoy. But, if your doctor seems clueless about melanoma or hopeless, RUN AWAY!!  Go somewhere else.

That is exactly what I had to do and I almost did not survive. A local surgeon claimed he needed a tissue sample to confirm the HUGE tumor under my arm was melanoma, but he probably knew. He opened me up and ended up jamming a jp drain right into the tumor. He then sent me to an oncologist who looked at me like I was a dead woman walking. That oncologist did not even give me a referral to San Francisco's melanoma center or anywhere. He sent me off and probably assumed I was going to die.  I proved him wrong!!

So, when deciding what to do, talk to your family, pray, and go to a specialist! Do not settle for anyone who does not believe you can beat the beast. There are people with brain mets walking the planet! There are people fighting melanoma everyday, alive!  I am a firm believer in fighting until there is no hope...and let me tell you. even in my darkest days, I had hope.

Bless you to all who are in the middle of treatments....You will make it!  Together, the melanoma community can make a difference!

Appreciation

As a cancer survivor the fear of a reoccurrence is always near...but, I am beginning to realize it does not have to rule my life. I know that I survived some pretty daunting odds, and I am so blessed to be here! I know that today I need to appreciate my life.

Going through cancer treatments leave scars on a person. Some of the scars are visible, while others are on our psyche. For me I can hear a song and remember driving to Santa Monica for my treatments. I can hardly believe I went through what I went through.

As my 43rd birthday approaches, I am GRATEFUL to be here, celebrating with my family. My heart swells with love and appreciation for the blue sky, the fresh snow, and the fantastic sierra nevada mountains I live in. I appreciate life.

As spring approaches, hug your loved ones, kiss someone, and ENJOY life. Because, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Facing Death

This topic has been on my mind. I watched Robin Roberts on 20/20 and she talked about going into a coma like state and hearing her name. She thought it was her Mom, who had passed away. Yet, it was her nurse, calling her back. At that moment she chose to come back. I had tears rolling down my face as I listened to her story. I knew exactly what she was feeling. I had a similar moment in my treatment.


When you are diagnosed with stage IV melanoma, you face death. It is inevitable that you think about dying. During my treatments there were a few times I did not know if I was going to make it. After either the 2nd or 3rd cycle of bio chemo I remember laying in my parents bed and having a "moment" of outer body communication. I was in SO MUCH PAIN, and I was so EXHAUSTED. I knew at that time, I could give up and let go of my body. It seemed to be failing me and only torturing me. Someone gave me a book on angels....and many people who know me, know I love angels. I lay still and prayed to my guardian angels and I knew they were there. I also became aware that there was more to the afterlife. I knew it in my heart. I decided to hang on and at least see if the western medicines were able to kill the cancer.

After my 3rd treatment, the scans revealed that the cancer was dying. It was WORKING.

It is very hard for people to talk to someone who is dying...or has almost died. When I returned to my home town people did not recognize me and people did not talk to me really. Few people made effort to stop by my house and say hello, welcome back. My close call with death was uncomfortable for people.

I think, as a society, we do not talk about death. We avoid death and focus on staying young. YET, death is something that to my great sadness, has come to TOO MANY YOUNG WARRIORS of melanoma. I do not know why I am here and others who are younger did not make it through the treatments....this is something I think about often. BUT, I do know know that facing death changed me.

GOD BLESS Robin Roberts for sharing her story and her strength  She has shed light on the importance of FAMILY and FRIENDS and LOVE while we are here on earth.

My Daughter and I = LOVE

Where it all started....

This long weekend I traveled back to my hometown, Laguna Beach, CA. It was an amazingly beautiful sunny weekend. Can you imagine living somewhere like this? Well, it was amazing. A HUGE part of the culture was to go to the beach. We all owned at least 3 bathing suits. It was something everyone did. From a young age I spent all my free time on the beach. I would lie down and instantly fall asleep. My back side usually fell victim to a sun burn.

As a teenage girl, the pressure to be thin is still there, and in addition to this, my generation had a pressure to be tan. I might not even call it a pressure to be tan, but we all wanted to fit in for sure. SO, I took my white skin and would spend hours on a towel. I think what sealed my fate was the hours oin a tanning bed. It was not a lot, but I thought I could keep a tan going in the winter months by working at a tanning salon, and I received free tanning priveleges. If only I knew what hell I would pay with a stage IV diagnosis.

Teens today have so much more knowledge and we know the dangers of tanning. We know the dangers of UV rays. My teenage daughter is proud of her pale complexion. She urges her friends to not tan. YET, there is still some pressures to tan. When I was in Laguna I saw tan people everywhere. I wanted to shout, "don't you know that could kill you!!"  I didn't. But I wore my Melanoma Survivor shirt proudly.

With so many young people (younger than me, and I am young :) ) getting melanoma, like Jillian, and to our deepest regrets and sadness, passing away from this ugly disease I pray and hope that all people can truly become happy with the skin their in.