the Strength in Sharing

Recently I have made more friends via facebook, friends whose lives have been touched by melanoma. Some people are old hands at dealing with this foe, like me, and others are brand new to the terror of cancer. I think it is very important for people to discuss their feelings about cancer. I am not a therapist, but I can tell you how cancer affected my family.

At the end of my treatment (which I mark after the surgery that removed a large area of dead tumor under my left armpit including large margins, leaving me with limited mobility in my left arm) I cried and cried and cried. I actually cried for the entire summer of 2011. I felt as though I had just escaped hell. I was so thin and weak. People in my community avoided me or did not recognize me as I looked like the quintessential cancer patient that I was.

Then the unimaginable happened...my daughter's life was at risk. She developed major depression as she somehow thought she caused my cancer.Without giving too much away of her personal story, we almost lost her. Allison is the light of our lives. We love her so very much.  She is now involved in a suicide prevention group at school.

The point in sharing this is that cancer is not only a physical ailment. It messes with your mind and those around you. It is important to talk to your kids, in an age appropriate manner, about the disease. My heart was broken when I had to leave Allison to get well.

I share this to let everyone know that we are on the other side of this hell!  My family is stronger than ever and we beat cancer together!  I always thought of my daughter and husband and fought like hell to survive the treatments.I prayed that if God meant to take me, then he needed to comfort my family.

To all those melanoma warriors, FIGHT LIKE HELL!  to all the families supporting patients, WE LOVE YOU! Keep fighting the fight! 



Happy New Year!!
"I will go in this way
And I'll find my own way out"  Dave Matthews Band  (I found my way out!!)

the Strength of the Human Spirit

This past week has been one filled with great sadness for people across the country. It has been unimaginable how one person can cause so much sadness and grief. I was not sure how to post about cancer surviving in the wake of the Newtown tragedy.

What I have been thinking about is the amazing strength of the human spirit. While we live in bodies that can seem so incredibly fragile, our spirits can be so strong. I know that many people will find strength they never thought they had after losing their children. This is what happens to those in these situations.

Facing cancer is also something that requires strength. For me, I found an inner strength I never knew I had. My physical body was failing me and I had to rely on my mind to survive the extreme pain and suffering it would take to go through the treatment that would save my life. In the darkest hours of treatment, when everyone was asleep, is when I had to dig deep. I could finally let my guard down. During the day I wanted to stay strong for my family. YET....I felt so fragile. I knew that I at anytime I could pass.  Angels and prayers and a power greater than myself pulled me through.


What makes you strong? Family? God? Jesus?  All of these things keep us going through the hardest times, when you think you cannot go on any further.When you think 1 more drug being injected into your veins will kill you....yet, it doesn't and you endure more chemo treatment. The human spirit is an amazing thing and I have seen more love and hope in people after a tragedy that I wish it did not take a tragedy for us to be kind. For those I know who are suffering still from cancer, you are STRONGER than you ever thought you could be!  Keep on keeping on!  For the rest of us...hugs and prayers and love are free to give.

I don't understand why I made it through such a dire diagnosis and such a brutal treatment. I do not know why I lived and others with the same diagnosis at the same time have not. I do know I am here and I will stay strong!  I will teach my daughter how to be strong!  I will have an ATTITUDE of GRATITUDE for this extra time with my family. 

Merry Christmas everyone!!

What's Important?

This week's events have really made many people look at what is important in life. Those of us who have faced cancer have a new view on what is important and what is not. AND now for senseless deaths of young children, I think America needs to really ask itself, "What is important?" I know I will hug my family a bit harder and hug my little students. I am a teacher and we are discouraged to hug our students. I have broken this mantra and hugged a few 1st graders.

With Christmas around the corner, WHAT is IMPORTANT to you? Are material things the most important?  When we leave the earth, these things are not important. I know, for me, relationships are important. I try to be kind and caring in my profession. ( I am a teacher.) I try to be a kind parent and wife. I try to be a good friend.

I will continue to spread the word about the dangers of melanoma. I will pray for those who have lost a loved one this week to the violence in Connecticut and or to cancer. I will pray for those who are fighting for their lives.

this is what matters: FAMILY! Myself, my daughter Allison, and Gramps
shortly after treatment/

What to eat?

Last year I was so NEW out of cancer treatment I still barely ate much of anything. It was around the holidays that changed. I started baking, in search of a healthy muffin recipe. I made honey bran muffins. I made whole wheat berry muffins. I used apple sauce instead of oil. All muffins were brought to work for my co-workers. Mondays became "Muffin Monday."  And yes...my weight began to come back. My size 8 pants began to tighten up.

Then came holiday potlucks...yummy. I decided I should eat again. I had been a vegan, but began adding cheese back into my diet. I was so happy that food tasted good and that I had an appetite!  During treatment I would go up to 14 days barely eating a 1/2 slice of toast and 1/4 cup of applesauce. I was down to 127 pounds.  Now I am back to a solid size 12/14. I am round again. Everyone says I look good. I know I could lose a few pounds.

It is potluck time at work. My philosophy for these is MODERATION. My goal is to enjoy food, and even enjoy some treats. BUT, I still eat a plant based diet. I still try to drink a mug of green tea a day.  I enjoy myself and allow for the treats. I will eat from the veggie tray and avoid the chip tray.

So, for today, enjoy a small treat and continue your healthy eating. I am so grateful to be HERE and to be ALIVE.

These are "healthy" muffins. :)

Clear Scan

I am overwhelmed with JOY at the news that my scans came back clear. I was really starting to freak out and wonder why my doctor had not gotten in touch with me. Was he trying to think of way to tell me about the cancer returning? Was the news bad and he did not want to email me bad news?  My mind was on the run away train of a recurrence happening. Then of course I go back to the other side and think, good things can happen to you Stephanie, think positive. So what, you were deathly ill, you had to move and change teaching assignments, you have lost your cabin, and your family suffered major emotional issues and you deserve something good to happen. Well, that good thing has happened, I am still in remission!

I can now go into the holidays with the best gift of all....I beat stage IV cancer.  This is bitter sweet when I know others have not been so blessed. Others are suffering. Melanoma is so ugly and scary! So, while I am ecstatic, I will continue to pray for those afflicted by the disease. I will hold my head up tall for myself.  I will have more happy days with my family! 

To Tell or Not to Tell.....

Sometimes I am not sure when to tell people I am a cancer survivor or not. Yesterday I was at a craft fair and was looking some small scented pillows. I said, "these would be good for people fighting cancer, I am a cancer survivor."  Today I went to sell my angel cards at small store up the road and I did not say that painting my angels is a part of my emotional recovery from cancer. Sometimes I feel it is something I want to forget...other times I cannot forget.

For the most part, when I share that I survived, I do so to give HOPE to others. Cancer is one of the most frightening words one can hear and I desperately want to give HOPE and the only way I can is to share my story of survival.

So, does cancer define who I am? Yes and No. I know that melanoma is busy taking people's lives and it tried to take mine. I know that it is a deadly disease that many think is "only skin cancer." I know there is some reason I am still here....after being on death's door. Melanoma does not care if you are young or old. It  does not care.

I am a Melanoma Warrior!  I am proud to have beaten the odds, and I will do my share in spreading HOPE and information that hopefully helps another human being. otherwise, what was it all for?

My heart is heavy as I know a fellow warrior is not winning her battle. She is a young woman who's family will miss her beyond belief. Bless her family.

http://jilliansjourneywithmelanoma.blogspot.com/

Scanxiety

Well, tomorrow I am heading to Stanford for my 3 month check up and PET/CT scan. I always have a roller coaster of emotions before this day. I feel elated to have survived....and I am so SCARED of the cancer returning all in one. The cold hard facts about cancer are that some people do not make it through treatments. Some people do die. It is an ugly disease, in any form it comes in, and it robs families of loved ones.

BUT, there are many of us who have beaten the odds! Many of us who fought hard, are fighting, and have made it through the bald-sick days of cancer. We are here and we will keep on KEEPING ON!

I want to end on a positive note. It is true, I try to live for NOW and have more fun. I try to not put up with mean people. I spend time with my family and hug them more. I reach for my dreams and take time to paint and listen to music and cook yummy food. I go to the movies!  I am not sure what the future holds, I hope mine continues to be NED...but I will keep my chin up and smile more!

Peace Out!

My Book goes Electronic!

I finally figured out how to get my book on amazon. They have a self publishing option with a free lending library. My book is available both ways!  My goal is to spread the message of melanoma awareness and how dangerous a skin disease can be.  Please check it out if you have not already, and spread the news!

Thanks everyone!

In Amazon go to Kindle eBooks and do a search for "My Journey With Melanoma"

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=node%3D154606011&field-keywords=My+journey+with+melanoma&rh=n%3A154606011%2Ck%3AMy+journey+with+melanoma&ajr=1

The BiG C : CHANGE

There is no manual as to how one deals with the emotions of recovering from cancer. I had many friends who had gone through cancer treatments and yet I never truly knew what they were going through. I had even gone through my first cancer scare at 32 with a Clark’s level 4 melanoma and a lymph node biopsy. Yet, nothing prepares you for the news that you are stage IV malignant melanoma. Nothing prepares you for the fear.

Now I am 18 months out of treatment and most people do not even know I had cancer unless I tell them. I try to not let having cancer define who I am now, but that is impossible. I am a survivor!  I am a fighter! I beat the odds!

How have I changed? I am less likely to put up with mean behavior. I let things go that used to get under my skin, like who does the chores at home. Well, I am still working on that one! I speak my mind with more certainty these days. I stand taller and and let you know how I feel instead of being a doormat. Recently someone mentioned to me I was being “preachy” and my response to that was to “LIKE” it.

So, fellow cancer warriors, let’s all stand tall and say what we mean, but don’t say it mean. Because we are all on borrowed time. 

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!" REM

Thanksgiving

I am extremely grateful to be Alive and to have another holiday with my family. Recovery was so hard and I have had quite the "chemo brain" and there are many things I don't quite remember. My body went into survival mode during the last year. Now I am out of my chemo haze and I feel more like the old Steph! I try to be kind and make the most of everyday!

Looking Back at Treatments

This is a picture of me after my 5th bio chemo treatment in April 2011. This treatment includes 3 chemotherapy drugs plus 2 immuno-therapy drugs. The treatment required 5 days of hospitalization as my doctor had to monitor my liver functions and overall well-being during the process. I lost all of my hair and about 35 pounds during the process. A home nurse would visit me at my Mother's to get blood and provide 3 hours of hydration for 3 days after the hospitalization.

I share this because I want others to know that the fight against cancer is HARD and there are those of us who have been there and we are still here! It is amazing what the human body can go through! I still can hardly believe that is me in the photo, I was so skinny and weak. Putting my shoes on and getting dressed was exhausting!  

During the dark days of treatment I often was unsure I would make it through. I have a twin sister and usually do not feel alone, but cancer treatment was a lonely place to be...and I am eternally grateful to my family for their support.

If you are in the middle of treatment, know there are those of us who have been there and there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Cancer Diagnosis: 2 years ago: stage IV

Two years ago, my world was rocked by a stage IV Metastic Melanoma diagnosis. Scientifically, I really should not be here.  I was dying. I had one doctor hand me a LiveStrong Foundation's guide to cancer and pat me on the back and say "Good Luck." Another oncologist looked at me with anguish in his face and say, "What are you doing here?" & "I could have done this over the phone." My husband asked him if there was another stage...he was told, "You don't want to know what that stage is."

Fear filled out hearts as we started the 2 1/2 hour drive back to our mountain cabin. Thank God my Mother was with us to help drive.  My husband was pale as a ghost. I cursed the medical community as they had NOT offered me any serious help to save my life. So far, to all the doctors I had seen I should start planning my final days alive.

At that moment I knew I needed to flee the mountains. I needed to leave my beloved sanctuary in the Sierra Nevadas to save my life. At the point I had absolutely NO IDEA where to go and what to do. We drove up into the snowy mountains and picked up our daughter at a friends house.  The mood was beyond somber....it was morbid. We drove up highway 4 in a blizzard and had to gear up for the walk to the cabin.  My daughter was heart broken and cried all the way home. This was one of the last times she cried for a long time. Her anguish and heart break was to be buried deep inside her soul, coming out later in behavior of self harm.

The next day Mom and I packed up and snowmobiled down to the parking lot to her car. It was time to leave. It was time to run as fast as we could, to save my life.

TODAY:  I sit at my kitchen counter writing this blog, feeling so eternal grateful to suriving my treatments. Somedays I have to pinch myself...I am ALIVE!!  

I pray for those who are out there fighting this ugly disease of melanoma. Cancer is an ugly monster that attacked the heart and soul of the family's who face it.

I hope to join the melanoma blogging community with my thoughts and prayers to help spread awareness and HOPE to those who are diagnosed. 

Let us all make BLACK the new Pink!  Spread HOPE and awareness of the dangers of the sun and tanning.