Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Facing the Unfaceable...

What if....?  What is I got cancer? What if I had little chance to survive? What if a loved one were given this horrible news?

WHAT IF I had to face the unfaceable?

Cancer is just one of the very challenging obstacles that a person can face in his/her life. I had to face this challenge.  You never know how you will do it until you are put right in the middle of the hell. This essay is purely my opinion based on my experiences with cancer. I feel that facing a serious illness is similar to the grieving process, because I know I grieved the healthy life I thought I was leading and dove straight into doctor's offices, exam rooms, white coats, hospital beds.....being poked with needles for blood work and having a double port. I had to immediately leave behind my life of skiing, family, teaching for a life of blood work, home health care hydration and a quick fast course in chemistry and biology of my body and cancer.

When you hear that something may be fatal and or debilitating a person may immediately think of the activities in life you may miss out on. You think about your child's high school graduation or wedding. You think about how you may have missed the opportunity to make peace with someone you care about.  AND, of course, there is SHOCK!

It is easy to think that life as you know it is over. I definitely still feel that way when I think about my love of my mountain bike. I would take this beautiful ride from my house, to Lake Alpine and swim. Then I would ride fast back down to Bear Valley and home!  My summers were definitely full of these adventurous activities and I even did a mini-triathlon! I was almost last, but I did it!!

Then....cancer. Cancer that would kill me. REALLY??? 

Why Me? Did I deserve this? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Then, How the hell do I kick cancer's ass, because I am NOT GOING DOWN without a FIGHT!!!

So, my fight began...the search for a speicalist, the treatments that took me to deaths door, yet they were supposed to "get easier," HA to that!

And recovery....regaining my stamina and energy to LIVE.

I remember telling myself I would face whatever the outcome with DIGNITY and COURAGE. Whether that was to be death or survival. There were many times I did not know which path I would finally take.

My goal today is to keep the fear of a reoccurence at bay...not to let the fear take over my life. I may not mountain bike again, but I have skied!  I even hit some black diamond runs! It was exhilarating.

I think one way I got through cancer treatments was to think of the future and all the things I would do!  Sometimes I am still jealous of people who do not have to think about cancer and I seriously wish I was not in the chemo club or a melahomie!  But I am....and today I will hold my head up high and share my story and hopefully help others to continue to HOPE for miracles. I know I am a walking miracle.

Thanks for your time!! And remember:

At pyschcentral you can read more about the stages of grieve:

The 5 stages are 1) Denial Isolation 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4)Depresion 5) Acceptance.

1 comment:

  1. You are STRONG! You are AMAZING! You will LIVE STRONG! I love you so much. thank you for sharing your story!