Cancer still SUCKS

As 2019 ends I have some words for you cancer:

Dear Cancer,

I still hate you. I will never let you steal my spirit. You cannot have me.

In late 2010, I fought like hell to get a proper diagnosis and when 2011 began I was dying. You came to me in the form of melanoma. Or as some people call, "just skin cancer." You came back after 10 years and tried to kill me. It did not work so F-YOU!!

Many people say to me,"how long has it been?" and seem confused that I am still concerned about it... but the battle I had with you cancer will always be a part of me. I will continue to share my story to spread HOPE to others. I pray and hope my efforts bring comfort to others who are fighting cancer.

While you came to me as melanoma, many others get breast cancer, lymphoma, ovarian, or lung cancer... you have so many ways to manifest yourself and we will continue to fight. We will continue to step up and face the horribly painful and toxic chemicals necessary to stay alive.

Cancer patients carry the scar of fighting forever....some scars are literally on our skin and others stay in our minds... memories of an IV drip that felt like glass shards going into our blood stream or a medicine nicknamed "shake and bake" for the uncontrollable shaking that would begin after the toxic medicine entered our bloodstream. The memory of being a cancer patient is one that is hard to shake off... losing your hair, throwing up EVERYTHING and losing massive amounts of weight... all of these experiences leave an imprint on a person.

Yet, HERE WE ARE, STANDING TALL!! 

I stand tall against you cancer, for those who fought like hell and left their damaged bodies to go to heaven. There are somethings that are simply too  damaging for a fragile human body. Cancer treatment can be SO hard and it truly HURTS. These people are not weak... or did not fight enough... we will never know why some of us are alive while others passed away. This thought is always present in my mind.

I will continue to use MY LIFE for good and do what I can to spread HOPE in the face of the darkness that is CANCER. 


The only "good thing" I have left over from my fight with you cancer is I found out how strong I am. I am stronger than I ever thought.  SO, SCREW YOU CANCER!!

Cancer and Christmas

One of the support groups I belong to for cancer recently had a member mention all the tests she will be going through now.

Cancer does not know or care about the holidays...

in 2010 I was suffering from a large tumor that grew to be 16 cm large and it was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve in my left armpit. The pain was immense. Through knowing someone who knew someone who knew Dr. Morton at the John Wayne Cancer Center in Santa Monica, CA, I had an appointment granted for December 23rd, 2010. I had a CT/Pet scan.... blood work, and a brain MRI... all with the tumor growing bigger and subcutaneous tumors popping up on my abdomen. I was in huge amounts of pain. Surgery was scheduled for the first week of January to remove the tumor. (Which by the way had 2 JP drains attached to it from a surgeon who had tried to take it out in November.)

The phone rang at dinner time. The surgery was cancelled. The cancer had spread to my lungs.


In 2010 the many new treatments were not yet FDA approved. There was truly no options, or so I thought, to save my life. Christmas of 2010 was to be my last holiday with my family. My heart broke.


Angel blessings led me to the Angeles Clinic in LA where many wonderfully smart people were developing new treatments for melanoma. I met with Dr. Omid Hamid and he said he would try to save my life. I was dying and probably without him had around 2-4 months to live.


SO, here I am! 8 years later!!  I went through 3 years of chemotherapy and 2 years of immunotherapy in 5 months. It is called biochemotherapy. 5 drugs administered all together. An arsenal of toxic poison to kill the cancer. It almost killed me as I lay in a bed on the oncology ward of St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica. I endured 5 cycles and lost 60 pounds  and all my hair. I had a major surgery to remove the dead tumor in late April of 2011. The treatment sent my body into menopause and the surgery left me with limited use of my left arm. The cost of life for me.


I know the horror of facing cancer during the holidays. It is horrible beyond words. If you know someone fighting cancer please, 1) do not ignore them... call or send a card! It means the world to them!  2) as hard as it is... look at their face. watching yourself die while trying to fight cancer is extremely frightening and it is hard to see that in another human. People I knew would turn away from me,  in my home town, once I returned home. It hurt.

People have beat cancer and beat serious as hell diagnosis's!  And people who have passed away have not died due to a lack of fighting. We all fight with every ounce of energy... fighting cancer is a full time job and the disease that is cancer is a sneaky bastard... often lurking in the tiniest of cells only to come back. melanoma patients know that all too well... I personally have had it twice... each time 10 years apart!! 

Hug each other. Celebrate one another. Nothing is guaranteed.

I write this to spread hope to those suffering from cancer.... screw you cancer!!! 

NED LIFE 8 years later

In my world NED is important. It means No Evidence of Disease. I have been NED from stage 4 metastatic melanoma  for 8 years. 8 years ago I had a doctor tell me to go home, "There is nothing I can do for you."  I had angelic intervention and was guided to the Angeles Clinic and around Christmas of 2010 I met Dr. Omid Hamid and he said, "Stephanie, I am going to try and save your life and if the shit is hitting the fan , I will tell you... " and he saved my life.

I endured 5 rounds of biochemotherapy. It is a 22 day cycle of 3 chemotherapy drugs and 2 immunotherapy drugs. This treatment almost killed me and I remember during the 3rd cycle I was dying. I thought that the last thing I would see was the skyline of Los Angeles from St. John's 4th floor oncology ward. Doctors and nurses checked my vitals every 4 hours. Some people die days into this treatment.... and I completed 5 rounds.

After receiving about 3 years of treatments in 5 months I was skin and bones. I returned to a job that did not even want me.... I went back to work and cried and cried. My bones hurt like hell. I had gone through menopause at 40 as a result of the treatment. Yet.... I persevered. Everyday I got up and did what I could to keep moving forward.

In the 8 years since my treatment my body finally feels healed. I gained back all the weight I lost during chemo and lost it again... in a healthy non sick way!  I hike a lot and work full time. But the truth of it is, I am an older person on the inside. I get tired fast. I run out of energy. Life AC (After Cancer) is wonderful, but for me, I am different.

I share all of this because I know there are those out there fighting not just melanoma, but all types of cancer. The battle with cancer is never easy. A post cancer life is full of pain and anxiety as you wonder what happened to all my energy? Many of us get back to a "normal" but it is a new normal.  If you are reading this and fighting cancer, take it easy on yourself and know that others of us have been where you are and have returned to life. Take Care of you! Do what you want... and remember, you are a rock star for the fight you are fighting and / or the fight you did to become cancer free!! 

here are some pictures of my daughter on a bucket list trip to Costa Rica this last June!

Thoughts on Chemo: a patient’s perspective

As I approach 8 years NED I find myself in the interesting position to be the person who knows cancer treatment and what it’s like to have chemotherapy.


I wanted to share a little bit about what it’s like going through chemo for those who are UNFORTUNATELY new to cancer. I want to clarify my view is as a patient and I am not a doctor.

Chemo Sick is not Flu Sick. You can use similar remedies to handle symptoms, but generally speaking there’s one way to get through it... and it SUCKS. 😣

Chemo treatment builds up in your body and creates a toxic buildup in your cells and side affects often take their time to appear. Side affects vary for each person.

Some side affects are:  nausea, diarrhea, night sweating, fatigue, neuropathy, hair loss and extreme bone and body aches. Women are often put into menopause. These side affects can be mitigated with medication and various natural remedies but unfortunately they are the nature of the beast. Staying hydrated and resting are the most important things to do while recovering from chemo treatment.

And chemo brain is real. It’s very odd to get foggy thinking and become confused. Focusing on things becomes difficult and it’s important to understand this is normal.

Fatigue: for me it lasted for years due to the extreme nature of my treatment. Chemo fatigue makes the once energetic find that getting dressed takes it out of ya! With rest and time this gets better. Please take it easy with yourself and REST when you are tired and NOT feel bad.

 REST IS PARAMOUNT TO RECOVERY! Sleep in your chair... sleep so your body can heal.

Going through chemo is not like going through the flu. Chemo is a buildup of toxic medication in your body to stop cancer cells from growing.

Most of all... be gentle with yourself and REST! You can do this! It’s not going to be easy... find a support system and hang in there... sometimes going through chemo is like walking through a fire and it’s the only way to get rid of cancer.

Hugs to you as you!!!

8 Years Later

It’s amazing how much changes in 8 years. 8 years ago I had just completed 5 rounds of one of the most toxic treatments and a major surgery that included a complete dissection of the left auxiliary (left armpit) lymph nodes for a stage 4 metastatic melanoma diagnosis.  One doctor had said “go home” and another saved my life. The shock and trauma that this type of diagnosis puts a family through is unimaginable.

Yesterday I literally found myself wearing a swimsuit and in the Caribbean sea during the day! The sun came out and I felt vulnerable. Knowing what I know about the dangers of the sun I envy the people who walk without a hat and seem oblivious to sun exposure.

Thoughts for those who’ve unfortunately became a part of the cancer world. Real affects of this life experience of fighting cancer.

 1) PTSD: family members and the cancer patient all experience varying levels of anxieties after faced with death. Caring for yourself and caregivers caring for themselves is beyond important. Joining support groups and leaning on other’s experience, strength, and HOPE is the best advice I can offer. That’s why I share my story of survival.

2) Anxiety of a reoccurring cancer. For me this never really goes away. I will always be a cancer patient on some level. Gratefully the more time that passes the more I’m convinced I beat it! Each day is a gift and more than ever it’s important to be true to your heart.

3) My goal now is to live my authentic life. Say what I mean but don’t say it mean... work hard and play hard because that damn cancer will always be lurking around the corner. Maybe fighting melanoma twice is all I’m destined to experience. While others fight for years...

To all the newly diagnosed, know that there are doctors out there working on a CURE! Know that others have been where you have been and we support you in our prayers! Even if you haven’t met us...

Live life with purpose and have fun when you can. Get out there and wear your sunscreen!

Not to complain....

When you fight cancer you tend to have a different perspective on life. Your perspective changes about pain, about being sick, about most things. There are so many of us cancer patients who have moved on from being in the trenches of the fighting and we carry scars. 

From baldness... to having hair again...  life goes on.  You cannot always see the scars, but they are there. Some of them are physical, while other scars are mental.  I have experienced both, so for those of you who are recently out of cancer treatment, know this is YOUR new normal!

1st For the first few years I hurt. My body was sore from the massive amount of chemotherapy I went through. I had a foggy brain and had a hard time remembering. Chemo brain IS REAL.

2nd For us women, we often go through early menopause. Now this fact is RARELY mentioned or talked about...but when you are only 40 and go through menopause it is quite a shock.

3rd  For the third phase, about 2 1/2 years after treatment we may experience extreme euphoria!  There are moments when you want to TELL EVERYONE, "HEY, I AM ALIVE!!!" This euphoria alternates between massive fear of a reoccurence. The emotional highs and facing the fear of a reoccurence had me on xantax... it is a mind f-ck and scary as hell, combined with gratitude and happiness.

4th Once you are about 5-6 years out of the treatment you begin to feel free. You begin to feel as if you can LIVE again. You can plan LIFE.

5th  Overall, you begin to not give an Eff what others think because you almost died and you did not die and you are here!!!

Me and my bff in Canada last summer!

All I can say... is I will ALWAYS feel the swelling in my arm due to lymphedema and I will always feel sore where the double port was in my right artery near my right collar bone.... I will always think about cancer... BUT I will NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE I AM ALIVE!   

PERSPECTIVE

I am borrowing the word perspective from a melahomie friend of mine, Kristi.I agree with her so much as this word relates to the concept that we all have a different perspective on life. And those of us that have had cancer, definitely have a different view than others.

My PERSPECTIVE now is that of a survivor.  7 years ago I began down the road of fighting for my life. I had one doctor tell me "go home, there is nothing I can do for you' and another tell me "Stephanie, I am going to try to save your life, and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you, and it has not hit the fan yet." PERSPECTIVE 

Of course, I went to the 2nd doctor!  He began a serious of experimental treatments called biochemotherapy. This is the hardest chemotherapy regimen on the planet. I received 2 years worth of treatments in 5 months. I was admitted to the hospital for treatments and monitored every 4 hours to make sure I was alive. I lost 60 pounds and all my hair. Brutal?  HARD?  YES!!!

The first few years out of treatment I tried to return to my normal life. My bones hurt. My memory was horrible. Yet, I put one foot in front of the other and refused to give in!  I cried... a lot... who knew depression was caused by interferon?? I found out... FEAR ruled my life. Fear of melanoma returning. I was more afraid than I let anyone know. I had already scared the shit out of my family.


PERSPECTIVE 
Being a cancer SURVIVOR has made a person who DOES NOT PUT UP WITH SHIT.  I stand my ground and speak my mind. (Some may say this is who I have always been.) I know in my heart what I stand for... and I still am afraid of melanoma coming back...but my 7th year of NED has brought me more peace that I am here to stay! 

My view on life now is to GO FOR IT!  AND to help others who are in the fight!  I am heart broken at all the people who have not survived like me, and are gone. Survivor's guilt is real. My survivorship means, to me, that I give back to the cancer community. I am forever a member of this club. One of my best friends joined the club survivor breast cancer, and I cried and cried when she told me her diagnosis. Cancer is a BITCH and I HATE it with all my heart.

I will continue to organize my 5k for Melanoma Awareness and monies to go to research so that one day,others can be told their chances of surviving a melanoma diagnosis of stage 4 are 90% versus the 5-8% I was given.  I want to LIVE LOUD and HAVE ADVENTURES...

If you finding this blog and are newly diagnosed... please have HOPE!  There are many of us diagnosed with Stage 4 and told to go home, and we are HERE!  Surviving cancer changes your perspective. It makes sunrises more beautiful. It makes sunsets and rainbows magical. It helps you truly do what matters with your life!