Beating the Unbeatable

7 years ago I was declared NED. No Evidence of Disease. 7 Years and 9 months ago I was told to go home, "there is nothing I can do, I could have told you this over the phone."

I DON'T THINK SO!

There are some things I know for sure about my experience. There are parts of surviving the unbeatable that stay with you.

Survivor's Guilt:  I had a doctor who told me, "Screw Survivor's Guilt!"  So, I have tried, and for the most part I do not allow myself to have survivor's guilt. Yet, the longer I have cancer free and the more people that die from the same diagnosis I had, survivor's guilt does creep up. It does not seem fair that others perish from melanoma, and I am still here. I truly do not know why I made and others did not, but I did. And I do not want to waste my time here! My philosophy is to give back when I can and spread my story to spread HOPE to others.

Scanxiety:  This is a real fear. For about 3-4 years after being declared NED, I used xantax to deal with the anxiety. I often would begin to panic a couple weeks before a cancer check up. Slowly, I have learned that going to cancer centers for checkups will always be a part of my life and better to face scans with dignity and courage. Just like I faced the original diagnosis and treatment. My goal was to always smile, and treat my nurses and caregivers with kindness. If I were to die I did not want to be remembered as the grouchy patient. Just saying...I know this sounds strange, but sometimes I thought that being the patient was easier than being the caregiver.

Life Lessons: I suppose I could become all philosophical and say that cancer was a "good thing" and I am overall "happy" for what I learned while sick. Sorry, I am not HAPPY I got cancer and I AM NOT HAPPY FOR the HELL it put my family through. BUT, I did learn who my real friends were and learned how many people drop you like a hot potato becuase they are "uncomfortable" you are sick and dying. I had practically an entire community turn on me and my family as I fought for my life.
I learned that YOUR FAMILY IS MOST IMPORTANT. My daughter, husband, mom, sisters.... these people gave me the will to endure 5 rounds of biochemotherapy. (This is 3 chemo drugs and 2 immunotherapy drugs administered all at once and the treatment almost kills you.)
7 years later, I know I live for the day and do not allow good times to pass me up!
LIVE WITH NO REGRETS! You can't get tomorrow back. You do not want to ever find yourself in a bed, fighting for your life and thinking about how you did not take that trip or drink that bottle of wine or give someone something of yourself. You have to give it away in order to get it back!


A SPECIAL MESSAGE: To all my friends who are my melahomies. I LOVE YOU and I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FACING. I still have survivor's guilt thinking I have been here for 7 years, cancer free and some of you are still fighting. I know you are so strong and you and your families are amazing. I send you LOVE and HUGS and I KNOW you are scared. Please know there are others out here who have beaten the beast that is melanoma. Please message me if you need a vacation to Yosemite and some Nature RX. I want to help!

7 years NED

With the official first day of summer right around the corner, I am seriously amazed and blessed to be here to see it begin. When I was a kid, summer meant endless hours in the sand. So many hours actually, that my twin sister and I had the nicknames "sand fleas." We knew every rock, every rip tide, and all the best places to set up our "beauty salons" in the tide pools.  It was our domain.
  Our hair would become a light strawberry blonde. The sand would be everywhere! Our skin would burn, peel, burn, peel.... all summer. As long as we had a fresh piece of aloe vera to cool our crispy skin, it was okay. Freckles were kisses from the sun.  This was the norm.  We did not, COULD NOT, imagine how we were damaging our skin and the consequences we would pay.

As my teens ended, and I had many-many hours of sun exposure under my belt, my early twenties meant more sun.  I found it entertaining to sunbathe along the Merced River, often "au natural", and again, summers were about the first sunburn and being prepared with aloevera. I did not truly try to prevent sunburns, I simply figured they were a part of my pale skinned life.

In 1992 my Mom called me. She was diagnosed with a melanoma inside her right leg, on her thigh. All I knew was that melanoma kills. I cried thinking she was going to die.  She was lucky and UC Irvine had just opened a skin cancer clinic. A large biopsy and she was cleared. No lymph node biopsy, and simply some chest x-rays to follow up. WE HAD DODGED A BULLET. We all went into "SHADE MODE" and soon forgot this scare.

Fall, 2000:  I was graduating Fresno State, had a  2 year old, and was just beginning my career as a teacher.  And I had a small dark brown spot on the inside of left forearm.  SHIT

It was itchy and required I went to the university health center and had it removed. It was melanoma. This led to a sentinel node biopsy. Wonder of wonders, it had not spread to any lymph nodes, and after a wide excision, I was free to go. Annual chest x-rays and blood work was the protocol for prevention.  10 years passed and I figured I was FREE.

WRONG

Fall of 2010 (10 years after the first melanoma), I had a lump under my left armpit. This lump grew and grew and by the time I was diagnosed, I was stage 4 with months to live.

That was 7 1/2 years ago. I had been given 5-8% chance to live 5 years. Those are some frightening statistics. Yet, for some reason I am still here!  Melanoma Awareness month has come and gone, yet every month is Melanoma Awareness month for me. I beat the odds and am here to warn everyone that "just skin cancer" is SO MUCH MORE. It kills.  Everyday there is someone, somewhere fighting this horrible disease. It is breaking hearts. It is spreading to people's brains, lungs, and other organs. It is so much more than "just skin cancer."

home at last...

I am grateful to be here and will continue to spread the word.

Please see AIM at Melanoma for more info on treatments for melanoma! 
https://www.aimatmelanoma.org/