christmas tree

Yesterday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed away after his cancer treatment from an infection in his blood. He died while recovering from cancer.

He called his iv tower the tree of life. I used to call mine the christmas tree. I suppose they are the same thing... a Christmas Tree is to celebrate the life of Christ & the tree of life for Paul was life giving as he was a man of DEEP faith in God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus.


This made me think of what cancer treatment does do your body and spirit. Those of us fighting, as well as our families, often have our faith renewed, created, and or tested. It is SO HARD to think that GOD would want anyone to go through the PAIN of cancer treatment. I have spent a lot of time pondering this.... as I experience GREAT physical pain during cancer treatment and my family experienced GREAT mental anguish worrying about me dying.

WHAT AM I getting at???

The simply point of this blog is to ask for PATIENCE for those of us who have been diagnosed with cancer. The anxieties do not just go away after treatment ends.... I myself am 4 years 2 months out of treatment and was crying like a baby after reading my the medical leave benefits for my job!  I wasn't planning on crying, trust me!

My christmas tree was an iv tower hooked into my double port...now my "iv tower" or christmas tree is a SOLID belief that there is a power greater than myself, I call God, and I have guardian angels looking out for me all the time.

What is your "Christmas Tree"??

How melanoma changed my life...

Back to Life, (this song motivated the title of my blog)

Yesterday was a day that I was reminded of how my outside activities have been affected by melanoma.  My family and I visited Travertine Hot Springs, outside of Bridgeport, CA. In my 20s, I was the first one to take off my clothes and jump in any hot water!  I did not think twice about the sun. 

Who can resist this? I sure couldn't!  I grew up visiting these types of natural wonders.... yet.... yesterday it was in the middle of the day, and the sun was way HIGH UP in the sky. My poor white body did not need this exposure at all. I did not get in the hot springs. 

DAMN YOU melanoma!!

I know I am not the only one to be affected by melanoma. The people out there diagnoses with stage 1 are now covering up all the time!  They feel fear of the sun that was never there before.  Families are mourning the loss of loved ones, a number too big for me to think about now. My eyes are filled with tears thinking of all the people who have lost their lives to "just skin cancer!"  

For today, I will approach my life with much respect for the sun's rays and use this knowledge to warn others about the dangers of too much exposure.

I have been blessed with a 2nd chance to get Back to Life and I will continue to spread a message of HOPE and AWARENESS for melanoma and fighting cancer. 

A letter To the Newly Diagnosed and those is the Trenches of the Fight

Dear Newly Diagnosed with Cancer & those who are actively FIGHTING,

First, I am SORRY you are going through this. I too have been there!  It is THE hardest and SCARIEST thing you a person can face. I know you are scared and your family is scared.  BUT, I want to share a message of HOPE.

The year of 2011 began for me with a diagnosis that only gave me 5-8% chance to live 5 years. I had anywhere from 2-6 months to live. It was stage IV metastatic melanoma. A tumor the size of a grapefruit was under my left armpit. The pain was unbearable. The fear was unimaginable. I had NO IDEA how I would survive. Without going into the gory details, I did survive and I am here now.

What I want to do for all those in the middle of cancer treatment, is extend a HUGE HUG!  That is right, I am a hugger!  I want to hug all of you and tell you to take it easy and rest. Let the medicine do it's job and know that so many of us have been right where you are. I am one of the people who was told to go home and get their affairs in order. "There is nothing I can do for you," were the words from one doctor to me and husband and mother. My poor husband almost fainted.

With a lot of faith, I was led to the Angeles Clinic in Santa Monica, CA. This is where I met the charming Dr. Hamid. He said I will try to save your life and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell, and it has not hit the fan yet. He sent me in to the hospital for bio-chemotherapy.

I said I would not share gory details... so I won't.  But, I want to tell you I KNOW about the pain of treatment. I know about hair loss....I know about not eating for 14 days....I KNOW about being close to death. I know about wanting death to end the pain of the treatment and the pain of watching your family watch you in the middle of the pain of cancer treatment.

These days of fighting cancer are the the HARDEST times you will face.

I am so proud of YOU for your fight and the dignity you have during this time.

THERE is an ARMY of PEOPLE praying for you, RIGHT NOW!

& MOST OF ALL, I WANT TO SAY TO YOU:  STAY STRONG!!

MUCH LOVE to YOU

Sincerely,

Steph

SIGNS

While jogging with my dog, I saw 6 very big, and very ominous turkey vultures, sitting on both sides of a gate I had to pass through to continue on my 3.58 route. What were they doing there?  These black birds that eat the remains of dead things..... WHAT WERE THEY DOING in the MIDDLE of my path??

I suppose I have always believed in signs. And not stop signs my friends, signs of things to come.  My last visit to the cancer center I heard my doctor utter the word "cured" and "you can come once a year" .... "if you feel okay with that?"

OF course I am HAPPY!  OF course those are words I want to hear....BUT.... there is always a BUT when thinking of melanoma. BUT, what if it comes back... what if it comes back and I don't know because so often there are no symptoms of the disease being there..... WHAT IF THESE 6 vultures are a SIGN?  A BAD SIGN?

There could have always been something dead nearby, that these creatures were feasting on.... and as  they flew away I realized that I have been given a second chance, for some reason, and I am here, chasing off the black vultures of doubt that live in my mind and in the minds of all people who have lived with the black beast of melanoma.

Stages of Scanxiety

FIRST: for those who are new to the cancer world, what is scanxiety?  These are the feelings we get when facing scans, blood tests, and anything else cancer related.

SECOND: These are only my feelings and perhaps they are shared and perhaps they are not....


Alright, let's get into this, shall we?

Scanxiety has a different levels and different duration times for each of us. The first 2 years out of cancer treatment I had scanxiety up to a month before my tests.  It was amazing what would remind me of being in treatment. A song.... a smell.... a sound? ( those damn beeping sounds of an IV tower!!!). It could be just about anything to bring a rush of tears to my eyes and bring fear to my heart.

The next thing to flood my mind is how will I tell my family I am sick again. How will I look at them and know we are facing treatment again?? What treatment will I get this time?  How will I tell my employer and how the hell will we stay financially afloat because my paycheck is the primary $$ for our family?  basically.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO??

Now that I am at 4 years NED, my scanxiety has taken on a new, logical approach... the biggest concern is how to tell my family and how the hell we will make a living and pay for my treatment. My first round of fighting cancer drained all my sick leave and teachers only have a limited amount of time. Once that is gone... we will be unemployed and have NO INSURANCE.

I know , I know , I KNOW BABY!!  IT IS RIDICULOUS!!  

but this is not a blog about health insurance and the failure of our country to offer fair and decent health care to all its citizens.... that is entirely another topic.

Back to SCANXIETY.  We worry about $$, we worry about treatments and can we do it AGAIN,and we worry about telling our families and have imaginary conversations with everyone we know telling them we are sick again.... GEEZ, it all exhausts me.

(CAN YOU tell I am heading in for blood tests and x-rays??)

ONE more thing!  After the results come back clear, we wonder if our doctors read the scans correctly?  Did they miss something?  Am I really dying?  It is a roller coaster of emotions and a total MIND F*#K!!! 

So, as of now I am NED.... and until I get clear results... I will worry a bit.  I will pray for those who are fighting and those who are on hospice care...and try not to let scanxiety get the most of me. 

THANKS for reading.

FIGHTING Shadows of the BEAST

As I head into the 5th year of being NED I still ponder how being handed a death sentence affected my family and my life.  How it almost took me from my daughter, husband, sisters, mother, and friends. We were all affected in an indescribable way.

In the melanoma community, this cancer is often called the beast. It is a black beast that seeps into the corners of our bodies, eating away at us while we sleep and eat and often not showing itself until it is too late.  Many people do not even find a primary location for this ugly monster becomes everyone's worst nightmare.

SCANXIETY comes every 6 months when I check out of the regular world and drive to the cancer center to get results from x-rays & blood work. During that time I am again a patient... sitting in a small doctor's office, praying that I do not see the look on my doctor's face that indicates the beast has returned. During that time, I plan how I will proceed if it is indeed back.... how will I tell my family?

I am SO VERY BLESSED that this has not happened, and with every visit I am told there was nothing exciting about any of my tests!  I get to live another day!

That is when I think of those who do not get the same news and I tears and joy and sadness slide down my cheeks.

EVERY day that I survive I wonder if a new pain is the beast, returned to finished what it started. EVERY day I choose LOVE & A POSITIVE ATTITUDE in order to continue to be NED.
EVERY day I am alive is a FIGHT against MELANOMA.

I will continue to spread the message that skin cancer is SO MUCH more than "just skin cancer" and I will cringe every time someone says that to me, because it is a horrible-horrible cancer, just like any other cancers....... and I will spread HOPE as much as I can.

I am just one person, who has a passion to spread HOPE and AWARENESS as much as I can.

STAND TOGETHER

Today was the AIM Walk / RUN to raise $$ for melanoma research and awareness. I met 2 brave women who are in the trenches of fighting melanoma!  I know what it feels like to be in their shoes and I realize the benefit of standing together and supporting one another in the fight against cancer!  

I am happy to be HERE and BE ALIVE to lend what support I can, by standing with other FIGHTERS.  

WE WILL FIGHT ON & STAND TOGETHER!
#WatchOutMelanoma2015