Memories

        The brain works in mysterious ways. Yesterday I was listening to music and heard a song by Train. Now most people know how much I LOVE the Dave Matthews Band, but I do listen to other bands. Mom and I would listen to a great live CD of Train while driving to Santa Monica to see my doctors. My favorite song during treatment was "Calling All Angels" by Train. I prayed and prayed that Angels would help me through my painful treatments and that Angels would help my family if I did not survive.

        I hear Train's lead singer, Patrick Monahan, and I think of those very scary drives to Santa Monica. It was a 2 hour one way drive from Mom's house. We spent a lot of time in traffic. It was too much time to wonder if the scans would come back showing the cancer was going away. We could never be sure.

        This last summer I drove on the 405 freeway, right past the Wilshire Blvd exit for the Angeles Clinic. I was sick to my stomach. Memories came flooding back.

Fighting cancer is something that will always be with me. You cannot see the scars that I feel everyday. You cannot even tell I was sick. I like it that way.

   I will always send angel cards to those fighting cancer. I do not care what kind of cancer it is, CANCER SUCKS!!!

    I do not have any BIG epiphanies to share.... just sharing helps me feel better. The ghost of cancer is never far from my mind.... yet I will go out today and celebrate that I am alive!!

Have A great Saturday!!

Go get your feet wet!

Getting Older

Lately, I have been thinking about getting older. When I was diagnosed with cancer I did not think that I would see my 41st birthday.... I did not know if I was going to age anymore. 
When I was really sick I stopped thinking about anything other than beating cancer and how would my family deal with my death?

So, the other day, when I got my pictures from our school photo day, I thought, " I sure look wrinkly and old!" And then, I thought, that is GREAT!!  I am ageing!!

I saw an older couple today, walking hand in hand, and thought, " My husband and I get to be old together."

Ageing is okay with me. I will get wrinkled. I will see my daughter graduate high school. I will get older. And that is good with me! I am happy to be here!

Blessings for all those who are fighting cancer and all those who are caregivers to fighters. Cancer SUCKS and yet, there are those of us who have beat it!! 

HUGS to Everyone!!

And a special CONGRATULATIONS to Chelsea on getting married!! She did not let a cancer diagnosis get her down!!

Everyday Life

I was cleaning my kitchen this morning, and I was thinking about how, like all other Moms, I sometimes get annoyed at doing chores....then I remember not being able to hardly walk 6 feet to a bathroom. I am here, I am doing my chores, I am cooking for my family, I am laughing with my daughter at silly animal videos on Youtube....

In 2011, I did not know if I was going to survive.


My life today is somewhat normal....we are back to normal routines of school, cooking, and laundry. The daily activities that fill so many houses...yet in our house, there is the memory of facing cancer. My husband and I are very good friends and we were discussing how we feel we are just now recovering from the shock of cancer, losing our home, and moving. Along with that, our daughter suffered severe depression and we almost lost her to suicide. 2011 was a doozy of a BAD YEAR for the Bowen Family.

Why do I bring this up? Why do I continue to post pictures of myself sick and fighting cancer....why?

I know there are people out there right now, fighting some kind of cancer. It may not be melanoma, it may be breast cancer, ovarian cancer, or lung cancer. I am here to share HOPE for those fighting. I am here to let people know that some of us live after a death sentence was handed down. I pray DAILY for those who are actively fighting this UGLY - UGLY disease: CANCER.

My life will always have the before cancer time and the after cancer time. I will do my best to be thankful for today, to be grateful I can stand and clean the kitchen and chop veggies for a delicious soup for my family.

And if my test results came back and I had a recurrence, I would fight like hell again. I certainly hope I do not have to do that...but I am a FIGHTER!

I am grateful for all my melahomies out there....while we have not met in person, I know you are all praying that my tests indicate I am still NED.

Learning from Cancer

What have I learned from cancer?

Some of these realizations I never wanted to have....others were very life affirming.

1st) things I never wanted to face. DEATH. This week my best friend's best furry friend died. Her kitty was her companion and he had to be put down. it was unexpected and extremely sad. It made me think that life can be so fleeting and fragile. Sometimes people are diagnosed with cancer and the last is in its last stages of ravaging the body. Families are taken totally by surprise and find themselves without their father, mother, daughter, son, or brother or sister. Cancer often blindsides those who get it.

When I was in the trenches fighting, I knew that I could die. I knew it! I had moments that I knew my family would have to deal with all that comes with losing a loved one. My twin sister would no longer have a twin sister alive. My little sister would no longer have 2 big twin sisters. My husband and daughter would no longer have a mom and wife. I knew death was near.

I prayed for my family to have the strength to carry on..... this is me after my last bio-chemo treatment. I was healing and gathering strength for surgery.

2) the other realization I have had is that life goes on after cancer. It does..... yet, I will ALWAYS be a cancer SURVIVOR! I will always live today to the fullest!  I will TRY to be kind to people, even if they piss me off, because, not everyone has gone through cancer. If they had, they would know what it is like to face death. They would know what it like to think of how you are going to say good bye to your daughter. Perhaps these people would be kinder... I don't know.

What am I trying to say?  BE NICE. BE KIND......  

BE GRATEFUL!

I am well aware I beat the odds and I live my days in honor of those who had to say goodbye. For Jillian and for Tina,  for all the families out there who are now without.  

RAISE AWARENESS that "just skin cancer" can KILL. 

PRAY for the doctors and scientists who are developing a VACCINE to fight this ugly cancer!

AT LEAST FOR TODAY, I will LIVE a life that is KIND to others and BE grateful I am here.

This is my Hubby & I at the Dave Matthews Band Concert at Tahoe. Doing what we love to do!! 

Me, Sick??

February 2011

 April 2011

June 2011

 December 2011

 May 2012

People look at me today and never know I almost died from cancer. As I look at pictures from treatment days, I am also amazed I went through such hell to be here today. 

I call my blog "Back to Life", from a 90s song from a band called Soul to Soul. 

"back to life, back to reality , back to life, back to reality, 

back to the here and now"

I am back to life. BUT, my life is forever altered by cancer. It was no ordinary, popular cancer that almost took me. & please do not get me wrong, I have LOST FRIENDS to breast cancer..I praise the PINK Campaign for the awareness it has brought to cancer. The cancer that almost took me is MELANOMA.  That's right, skin cancer. 

BUT, if you meet me today you cannot see my scars, you cannot tell I have lifelong neuropathy on the left side of my body from the massive amounts of chemotherapy and immunotherapy drugs and the limited use of my left arm from surgery. You cannot tell.... I like it that way most of the time.

I will always share a message of HOPE to those who need it and to those who are fighting cancer. My story is one of SURVIVING AGAINST THE ODDS!

Was I ever too sick to eat more than a 1/2 of a cup of apples sauce in 10 days? yep

Was I ever so sick I could hardly walk 5 feet to a bathroom?  yep

Am I well enough to enjoy a game of lazer tag with my daughter and stepson?  YES I AM!!

& today I am grateful for that and I pray for the WARRIORS fighting.....  

Sending hugs to all my melahomies out there. 

Sincerely,

Strong Steph

Jealous

I try really hard to be positive. My goal is to live with an attitude of gratitude. BUT, jealousy has been on my mind.  I am jealous of people who have not had to deal with cancer.

When you look at me you cannot see my scars. They are too deep and under the skin, literally. The surgery was more than 2 years ago, May 9, 2011.

Some of the notes from this procedure are, " This was a long and difficult operation because of the desmoplastic reaction secondary to the biochemotherapy, but we were very pleased that we had a clean resection outside the fascial planes encompassing the tumor. We are hopeful that with this procedure, the patient will be rendered free of disease with her advanced malignant melanoma with a combination of biochemotherapy and surgery. Blood loss was estimated at about 100 ml. The specimens sent to pathology consisted of an en bloc axillary dissection."


Looking "Normal" is acceptable for me, as looking like a cancer patient was not fun either. People look at you with pity. People do not know how much my left arm hurts due to the invasion surgery to remove the cancer. I save my complaints for my hubby, (THANKS DEAR!!) yet I am very weak and say if I swim I swim like Nemo, with one arm and in circle.

So, I am envious of people who live cancer free. People who go about their business, not knowing if a new pain is a reoccurence. People who do not worry about their next scans.

I live with cancer. I will always be a stage IV melanoma patient. I am fortunate to be GRATEFUL to be NED. (No Evidence of Disease). Melanoma patients do not use the word remission.

Most days I go about my daily business, plan meals for my family, think about my classroom, think about my family. BUT, melanoma is ALWAYS lurking in the shadows of my mind. I PRAY it will not reappear in my body. I am saddened by the losses in the melanoma community...so many young people. AND the youngest of all is about to pass from melanoma. A sweet 2 year old who is the only case of melanoma being passed during pregnancy.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/arizona-baby-melanoma-mothers-womb-alive/story?id=18922718

BASICALLY, CANCER SUCKS!!

Staying Strong

Excerp from 1 of the many pages from my medical papers:

" Gentlemen:

This is a letter in follow-up on care for Miss Stephanie Bowen who was seen initially at our clinic on January 3, 2011 for metastic malignant melanoma, N!B with lung metastases. As discussed, she was started on biochemotherapy due to the high growth fraction of her tumor, and for improvement of morbidity.

...

[At this point a lot of medical terms are used to decribe my condition and my reaction to the treatments.] 

We feel fortunate that things have fallen into place appropriately for Stephanie, and will continue to keep you informed of her progress."

This last Monday, 2 days ago, another warrior lost his fight with melanoma. His body was unable to handle the treatments, yet his spirit kept going on.

I know I am blessed to be here. I do not know why I am here, but, I am here.  Melanoma is ferioucious and I always have a shadow of fear that it will return. These days I enjoy my status of NED. While I stay strong....others are literally fighting for their lives. Some do not win this battle with CANCER. SOME PEOPLE LOSE.  IT is extremely SAD. SAD does not even express how one feels when we hear that a warrior has died.

Many of my adventures this summer are dedicated to fellow warriors. I try to raise awareness whenever I am able. I stay strong for those who are fighting.

May angels look after those left behind. May angels look after those who are fighting.

Take care of your skin!