Learning from Cancer

What have I learned from cancer?

Some of these realizations I never wanted to have....others were very life affirming.

1st) things I never wanted to face. DEATH. This week my best friend's best furry friend died. Her kitty was her companion and he had to be put down. it was unexpected and extremely sad. It made me think that life can be so fleeting and fragile. Sometimes people are diagnosed with cancer and the last is in its last stages of ravaging the body. Families are taken totally by surprise and find themselves without their father, mother, daughter, son, or brother or sister. Cancer often blindsides those who get it.

When I was in the trenches fighting, I knew that I could die. I knew it! I had moments that I knew my family would have to deal with all that comes with losing a loved one. My twin sister would no longer have a twin sister alive. My little sister would no longer have 2 big twin sisters. My husband and daughter would no longer have a mom and wife. I knew death was near.

I prayed for my family to have the strength to carry on..... this is me after my last bio-chemo treatment. I was healing and gathering strength for surgery.

2) the other realization I have had is that life goes on after cancer. It does..... yet, I will ALWAYS be a cancer SURVIVOR! I will always live today to the fullest!  I will TRY to be kind to people, even if they piss me off, because, not everyone has gone through cancer. If they had, they would know what it is like to face death. They would know what it like to think of how you are going to say good bye to your daughter. Perhaps these people would be kinder... I don't know.

What am I trying to say?  BE NICE. BE KIND......  

BE GRATEFUL!

I am well aware I beat the odds and I live my days in honor of those who had to say goodbye. For Jillian and for Tina,  for all the families out there who are now without.  

RAISE AWARENESS that "just skin cancer" can KILL. 

PRAY for the doctors and scientists who are developing a VACCINE to fight this ugly cancer!

AT LEAST FOR TODAY, I will LIVE a life that is KIND to others and BE grateful I am here.

This is my Hubby & I at the Dave Matthews Band Concert at Tahoe. Doing what we love to do!! 

Me, Sick??

February 2011

 April 2011

June 2011

 December 2011

 May 2012

People look at me today and never know I almost died from cancer. As I look at pictures from treatment days, I am also amazed I went through such hell to be here today. 

I call my blog "Back to Life", from a 90s song from a band called Soul to Soul. 

"back to life, back to reality , back to life, back to reality, 

back to the here and now"

I am back to life. BUT, my life is forever altered by cancer. It was no ordinary, popular cancer that almost took me. & please do not get me wrong, I have LOST FRIENDS to breast cancer..I praise the PINK Campaign for the awareness it has brought to cancer. The cancer that almost took me is MELANOMA.  That's right, skin cancer. 

BUT, if you meet me today you cannot see my scars, you cannot tell I have lifelong neuropathy on the left side of my body from the massive amounts of chemotherapy and immunotherapy drugs and the limited use of my left arm from surgery. You cannot tell.... I like it that way most of the time.

I will always share a message of HOPE to those who need it and to those who are fighting cancer. My story is one of SURVIVING AGAINST THE ODDS!

Was I ever too sick to eat more than a 1/2 of a cup of apples sauce in 10 days? yep

Was I ever so sick I could hardly walk 5 feet to a bathroom?  yep

Am I well enough to enjoy a game of lazer tag with my daughter and stepson?  YES I AM!!

& today I am grateful for that and I pray for the WARRIORS fighting.....  

Sending hugs to all my melahomies out there. 

Sincerely,

Strong Steph

Jealous

I try really hard to be positive. My goal is to live with an attitude of gratitude. BUT, jealousy has been on my mind.  I am jealous of people who have not had to deal with cancer.

When you look at me you cannot see my scars. They are too deep and under the skin, literally. The surgery was more than 2 years ago, May 9, 2011.

Some of the notes from this procedure are, " This was a long and difficult operation because of the desmoplastic reaction secondary to the biochemotherapy, but we were very pleased that we had a clean resection outside the fascial planes encompassing the tumor. We are hopeful that with this procedure, the patient will be rendered free of disease with her advanced malignant melanoma with a combination of biochemotherapy and surgery. Blood loss was estimated at about 100 ml. The specimens sent to pathology consisted of an en bloc axillary dissection."


Looking "Normal" is acceptable for me, as looking like a cancer patient was not fun either. People look at you with pity. People do not know how much my left arm hurts due to the invasion surgery to remove the cancer. I save my complaints for my hubby, (THANKS DEAR!!) yet I am very weak and say if I swim I swim like Nemo, with one arm and in circle.

So, I am envious of people who live cancer free. People who go about their business, not knowing if a new pain is a reoccurence. People who do not worry about their next scans.

I live with cancer. I will always be a stage IV melanoma patient. I am fortunate to be GRATEFUL to be NED. (No Evidence of Disease). Melanoma patients do not use the word remission.

Most days I go about my daily business, plan meals for my family, think about my classroom, think about my family. BUT, melanoma is ALWAYS lurking in the shadows of my mind. I PRAY it will not reappear in my body. I am saddened by the losses in the melanoma community...so many young people. AND the youngest of all is about to pass from melanoma. A sweet 2 year old who is the only case of melanoma being passed during pregnancy.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/arizona-baby-melanoma-mothers-womb-alive/story?id=18922718

BASICALLY, CANCER SUCKS!!

Staying Strong

Excerp from 1 of the many pages from my medical papers:

" Gentlemen:

This is a letter in follow-up on care for Miss Stephanie Bowen who was seen initially at our clinic on January 3, 2011 for metastic malignant melanoma, N!B with lung metastases. As discussed, she was started on biochemotherapy due to the high growth fraction of her tumor, and for improvement of morbidity.

...

[At this point a lot of medical terms are used to decribe my condition and my reaction to the treatments.] 

We feel fortunate that things have fallen into place appropriately for Stephanie, and will continue to keep you informed of her progress."

This last Monday, 2 days ago, another warrior lost his fight with melanoma. His body was unable to handle the treatments, yet his spirit kept going on.

I know I am blessed to be here. I do not know why I am here, but, I am here.  Melanoma is ferioucious and I always have a shadow of fear that it will return. These days I enjoy my status of NED. While I stay strong....others are literally fighting for their lives. Some do not win this battle with CANCER. SOME PEOPLE LOSE.  IT is extremely SAD. SAD does not even express how one feels when we hear that a warrior has died.

Many of my adventures this summer are dedicated to fellow warriors. I try to raise awareness whenever I am able. I stay strong for those who are fighting.

May angels look after those left behind. May angels look after those who are fighting.

Take care of your skin!

SUNBURN!!

PS, This post is a follow up to my last post. 

SUNBURNS ARE BAD! 

This is what happened to my very own daughter on a "CLOUDY DAY."  YES, you can get a sunburn on an overcast day.  This was an overcast and cool day in Huntington Beach last month.   My response to my daughter is one I will not put in writing. It was along the lines of "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE ##** KIDDIN' ME!!!!!"


So my fellow sun worshippers, every sunburn you get increases your chances of getting melanoma as an adult. I won't throw stats at you, just know that MELANOMA is BAD. Melanoma is CANCER and it KILLS.


Please protect yourselves on these sunny days. I know my daughter regretted this burn and does not want me to get MAD at her again.

MELANOMA IS MORE than SKIN CANCER!!

Moving On with LIFE

Well, I am now a bit over 2 years out of cancer treatments. I am EXTREMELY BLESSED to be one of the few with a stage IV diagnosis who is still ALIVE. My philosophy has been to keep going forward, no matter how hard it seems.

When I was sick, I hunkered down into the horrific treatments of biochemotherapy. My body was broken down to its last bits of strength. I could barely walk 10 feet without being totally exhausted. Getting dressed to go to the doctor took all my energy for the day. I needed a wheelchair to get around after treatments.When people saw me, they looked away...it is hard to see someone dying.

BUT, I MADE IT!

My advice to anyone going through cancer treatment is to look to the future. What will you do when you are out of treatment? I always thought of the things I would do when I got through. Granted, I am now just getting my energy back. It has taken 2 years to recover. I did it! My hubby and I went to Glacier National Park and we had always wanted to go there!

We are busy living life,and even though my body took a toll from chemo and I have arthritic conditions in my hips that was exaggerated due to the cancer treatment, I will keep moving forward!

I send my love and support to all people facing cancer. I pray constantly for people who are struggling right now with cancer.

When you hear the words of a cancer diagnosis and see a doctor look at you with a SAD-SAD face....and you do not know if you are going to see your next birthday, your heart is broken. Your heart breaks for your family and those that may have to bury you and go on living after you have passed. I cannot express the sadness of that feeling. I faced that and I have come out the other side.There is no telling how long I will be NED, as melanoma is life long diagnosis & lifelong fight.

BE assured, I will fight like HELL again if I need to, and until then I will enjoy LIFE!

Teens & the Sun

 I NEED to share about why it is SO IMPORTANT that we in the melanoma community continue to encourage laws are passed preventing teens from using tanning beds. My family thinks I need a new job as a sunscreen police. BUT, let's not lose our heads here!

As an educator, I have studied brain development of teenagers. Teenagers do not have fully developed frontal lobes. This means they are unable to fully understand consequences of their actions. That is why we adults need to limit and prevent teens access to dangerous things, such as alcohol, tobacco, and tanning beds. Teenagers are literally challenged by their lack of brain development. It's just science.

My very own daughter and niece, who watched me almost DIE from "skin cancer" went out on a cloudy day and were horribly sunburned!  Even after a lecture from me, and after being given sunscreen, and told to simply stay out of the sun, they came home from a day on the beach with SUN BURNS.

In Southern California the term "June Gloom" describes the weather in June because of the marine layer that covers the beaches. This foggy and cool weather fools people into thinking they cannot get sunburned. This is FALSE SECURITY. You can still end up looking like Barbie. It is nothing to smile about Barbie!  You are ruining your skin and increasing your risk of cancer with every burn.

For those who think teenagers can decide for themselves, well...not even teens in my own family were able to make smart sun choices. AS the adults, we need to guide teens in safe sun use. I have a picture of my daughter's burn and will post the image at a later date. For now, I want to remind everyone of the how the UV rays hurt us.

Please cover up, even in June Gloom......a sunburn may last longer than you think 

with a diagnosis of melanoma.