10 YEARS NED BABY!

 It has been 10 years since I returned home from the fight of my life. 10 years since I had active metastatic melanoma. I am blessed. I am beyond lucky!  I am getting the opportunity of planning my daughter's wedding. Life is GOOD.

It never escapes me that not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone makes it through a stage 4 melanoma diagnosis.  Melanoma is called the black beast for a reason. It has an extremely scary rate of reoccurrence. Melanoma likes to come back. In short, it is a sneaky bastard.

Those of us who fight it, fight like hell and never forget the battle. We remind others of the dangers of tanning. People begin to forget that we almost died and we watch family and friends discuss tanning on social media and cringe. 

We will never stop sharing about the dangers of melanoma. 

This day, June 8th, 2021, I say NEVER GIVE UP and know that others have fought and beat the beast. We are out here and we send love and prayers to the fighters and their families. And above all else, we are grateful for our doctors and nurses and our all those who stood by us as we fought. 

Gratitude

 Is it a cliche? Do have profound gratitude around holiday time? For me it is truly a time of year for sincere gratitude for LIFE.

December of 2010 I was gravely ill. I was about to start a 2nd battle with melanoma. My first melanoma was a stage one, the second melanoma was stage four. At that time, only 10 years ago, a stage four metastatic melanoma diagnosis was fatal. There were no proven treatments. Every time I write this, I try to not be melodramatic. But, after the pet / CT  scans, brain MRIs, blood work, on Christmas eve of 2010 I received a call that the cancer was in my lungs (along with the 16 cm tumor) and simply removing the tumor would not be enough. The truth is, I had less than a year to live. 

I was sent to the Angeles Clinic the first week of January, 2011 and I met Dr. Hamid. He said I will try to save your life and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you, but it has not yet!  I can tell you, I felt like I was dying. My tumor was HUGE and the pain was horrible. The cancer was spreading. 

October 2020 with Dr. Hamid

Needless to say, the experimental biochemotherapy treatment saved my life. I do not know why I was spared when so many others die after receiving a similar diagnosis. I am an ordinary person. I am not doing anything exceptional. I will always try to spread HOPE to others and hopefully by sharing my story of HOPE I can give back for the gift of life I have been given. 

Today, I remember that day, when the news came how sick I was and change it to GRATITUDE. 

Love each other as LIFE is FRAGILE. 

For the fighters: BE BRAVE and Hold Up HIGH, there are prayers for you from people you have ever met. 

What do you wear for a CT scan

 It is important to wear clothing with no metal when going for a CT scan. Therefore, as a woman, I need to wear a bra that is not underwire. This way I can avoid having to put on a hospital gown. To get through a scan, I use day dreaming. I dream of wear I will eat lunch, as I had to fast and missed breakfast because I had to drink the chalky drink for scans.  I dream of that day I skied 14 inches of fresh powder!  I dream of the awesome bucket list trip I took to Costa Rica last year...anything to get my mind off that these scans are a mandatory part of my life due to a diagnosis of stage 4 melanoma. 

Granted, I am NED (No Evidence of Disease) for 9 years...  I know how sneaky melanoma is and how it is a life wrecker... Melanoma does whatever it wants.  

During these crazy days of 2020 it is, more than ever, to GRATEFUL for surviving.  Grateful to be ALIVE.  

I send prayers out to those who are actively fighting and want you to know that others have been there and we are here, alive and breathing and we know how hard it is to prep for the scans, to not know when the cancer will finally respond to treatment and to know what it is like to plan on telling your family goodbye. 

I do not know why I am still here, but I will do my best to spread HOPE and awareness for melanoma!!

Hate you melanoma

Well, I am officially 9 years out from my last cancer treatment!

is 

And while I am stoked, I am very sad today to hear a melahomie 

is now on hospice care. This young man has been fighting since I was declared NED, No Evidence of Disease. He has 2 young children and a beautiful wife. He has co-sponsored an organization called Stage Free Melanoma and spearheaded a melanoma bus so that people can get free skin checks and stay stage free of melanoma. He is truly a warrior and an advocate for melanoma awareness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUlPcwiouaM&t=7s







I send prayers for peace as this family goes through the process of saying goodbye. I am going to be grateful to have met him and his family and know he is heading to heaven. Please know that melanoma is so much more than "just skin cancer." 

Covid-19

Thoughts on coronavirus and cancer.


Well then... I never knew that cancer treatment would train me for something like this.  How is this pandemic like cancer?? Let me share  the two big reasons why this is similar.



1) A cancer diagnosis places its patients in isolation. We are currently in isolation, but we are healthy.

2) During cancer treatment, you are worried about getting sick. Now, everyone is worried about getting sick. 

I never thought that chemotherapy treatment would train me for something like this. During chemo, you are so worried about getting sick, you spend a lot of time alone, and you are basically worried about your health, all of the time. Unfortunately, everyone in the world is now worried about getting sick. The big exception, is that people are not sick. We are sitting at home avoiding catching the virus. And we definitely do not want to get sick.


I miss contributing to society with my job as a school teacher. I had always wanted to teach and have done so for 20 years! My life's calling is education and I am proud of it. But, cancer treatment taught me to sit still and heal when necessary. 

As I sit at home and quarantine, I remember the days of chemotherapy quarantine. You isolate so you do not get sick while the rest of the world continues forward. You are stuck in one place as the world moves at a rapid pace around you. Life stops. 

I would NEVER want anyone to go through this, but now people have a better understanding as this happens to all of us. Wearing a mask used to be a symbol that you are sick and when you wore one as a cancer patient, people definitely looked at you as though you were a sorry person. The looks of pity and sorrow comes to mind as I see others wearing masks. 

I hope when this is over, we remember those fighting cancer and how they are still in an existence of isolation. They still are worried about getting sick. Cancer patients will always have a worry of a re-occurrence of cancer. Thus is the life of someone who had a diagnosis of melanoma or any cancer. 

How can we reach out to those who will continue to worry about being healthy when this pandemic is over? Just some food for thought. Remember, when the pandemic ends, cancer continues... screw you cancer.

Cancer still SUCKS

As 2019 ends I have some words for you cancer:

Dear Cancer,

I still hate you. I will never let you steal my spirit. You cannot have me.

In late 2010, I fought like hell to get a proper diagnosis and when 2011 began I was dying. You came to me in the form of melanoma. Or as some people call, "just skin cancer." You came back after 10 years and tried to kill me. It did not work so F-YOU!!

Many people say to me,"how long has it been?" and seem confused that I am still concerned about it... but the battle I had with you cancer will always be a part of me. I will continue to share my story to spread HOPE to others. I pray and hope my efforts bring comfort to others who are fighting cancer.

While you came to me as melanoma, many others get breast cancer, lymphoma, ovarian, or lung cancer... you have so many ways to manifest yourself and we will continue to fight. We will continue to step up and face the horribly painful and toxic chemicals necessary to stay alive.

Cancer patients carry the scar of fighting forever....some scars are literally on our skin and others stay in our minds... memories of an IV drip that felt like glass shards going into our blood stream or a medicine nicknamed "shake and bake" for the uncontrollable shaking that would begin after the toxic medicine entered our bloodstream. The memory of being a cancer patient is one that is hard to shake off... losing your hair, throwing up EVERYTHING and losing massive amounts of weight... all of these experiences leave an imprint on a person.

Yet, HERE WE ARE, STANDING TALL!! 

I stand tall against you cancer, for those who fought like hell and left their damaged bodies to go to heaven. There are somethings that are simply too  damaging for a fragile human body. Cancer treatment can be SO hard and it truly HURTS. These people are not weak... or did not fight enough... we will never know why some of us are alive while others passed away. This thought is always present in my mind.

I will continue to use MY LIFE for good and do what I can to spread HOPE in the face of the darkness that is CANCER. 


The only "good thing" I have left over from my fight with you cancer is I found out how strong I am. I am stronger than I ever thought.  SO, SCREW YOU CANCER!!

Cancer and Christmas

One of the support groups I belong to for cancer recently had a member mention all the tests she will be going through now.

Cancer does not know or care about the holidays...

in 2010 I was suffering from a large tumor that grew to be 16 cm large and it was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve in my left armpit. The pain was immense. Through knowing someone who knew someone who knew Dr. Morton at the John Wayne Cancer Center in Santa Monica, CA, I had an appointment granted for December 23rd, 2010. I had a CT/Pet scan.... blood work, and a brain MRI... all with the tumor growing bigger and subcutaneous tumors popping up on my abdomen. I was in huge amounts of pain. Surgery was scheduled for the first week of January to remove the tumor. (Which by the way had 2 JP drains attached to it from a surgeon who had tried to take it out in November.)

The phone rang at dinner time. The surgery was cancelled. The cancer had spread to my lungs.


In 2010 the many new treatments were not yet FDA approved. There was truly no options, or so I thought, to save my life. Christmas of 2010 was to be my last holiday with my family. My heart broke.


Angel blessings led me to the Angeles Clinic in LA where many wonderfully smart people were developing new treatments for melanoma. I met with Dr. Omid Hamid and he said he would try to save my life. I was dying and probably without him had around 2-4 months to live.


SO, here I am! 8 years later!!  I went through 3 years of chemotherapy and 2 years of immunotherapy in 5 months. It is called biochemotherapy. 5 drugs administered all together. An arsenal of toxic poison to kill the cancer. It almost killed me as I lay in a bed on the oncology ward of St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica. I endured 5 cycles and lost 60 pounds  and all my hair. I had a major surgery to remove the dead tumor in late April of 2011. The treatment sent my body into menopause and the surgery left me with limited use of my left arm. The cost of life for me.


I know the horror of facing cancer during the holidays. It is horrible beyond words. If you know someone fighting cancer please, 1) do not ignore them... call or send a card! It means the world to them!  2) as hard as it is... look at their face. watching yourself die while trying to fight cancer is extremely frightening and it is hard to see that in another human. People I knew would turn away from me,  in my home town, once I returned home. It hurt.

People have beat cancer and beat serious as hell diagnosis's!  And people who have passed away have not died due to a lack of fighting. We all fight with every ounce of energy... fighting cancer is a full time job and the disease that is cancer is a sneaky bastard... often lurking in the tiniest of cells only to come back. melanoma patients know that all too well... I personally have had it twice... each time 10 years apart!! 

Hug each other. Celebrate one another. Nothing is guaranteed.

I write this to spread hope to those suffering from cancer.... screw you cancer!!!