Stages of Scanxiety

FIRST: for those who are new to the cancer world, what is scanxiety?  These are the feelings we get when facing scans, blood tests, and anything else cancer related.

SECOND: These are only my feelings and perhaps they are shared and perhaps they are not....


Alright, let's get into this, shall we?

Scanxiety has a different levels and different duration times for each of us. The first 2 years out of cancer treatment I had scanxiety up to a month before my tests.  It was amazing what would remind me of being in treatment. A song.... a smell.... a sound? ( those damn beeping sounds of an IV tower!!!). It could be just about anything to bring a rush of tears to my eyes and bring fear to my heart.

The next thing to flood my mind is how will I tell my family I am sick again. How will I look at them and know we are facing treatment again?? What treatment will I get this time?  How will I tell my employer and how the hell will we stay financially afloat because my paycheck is the primary $$ for our family?  basically.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO??

Now that I am at 4 years NED, my scanxiety has taken on a new, logical approach... the biggest concern is how to tell my family and how the hell we will make a living and pay for my treatment. My first round of fighting cancer drained all my sick leave and teachers only have a limited amount of time. Once that is gone... we will be unemployed and have NO INSURANCE.

I know , I know , I KNOW BABY!!  IT IS RIDICULOUS!!  

but this is not a blog about health insurance and the failure of our country to offer fair and decent health care to all its citizens.... that is entirely another topic.

Back to SCANXIETY.  We worry about $$, we worry about treatments and can we do it AGAIN,and we worry about telling our families and have imaginary conversations with everyone we know telling them we are sick again.... GEEZ, it all exhausts me.

(CAN YOU tell I am heading in for blood tests and x-rays??)

ONE more thing!  After the results come back clear, we wonder if our doctors read the scans correctly?  Did they miss something?  Am I really dying?  It is a roller coaster of emotions and a total MIND F*#K!!! 

So, as of now I am NED.... and until I get clear results... I will worry a bit.  I will pray for those who are fighting and those who are on hospice care...and try not to let scanxiety get the most of me. 

THANKS for reading.

FIGHTING Shadows of the BEAST

As I head into the 5th year of being NED I still ponder how being handed a death sentence affected my family and my life.  How it almost took me from my daughter, husband, sisters, mother, and friends. We were all affected in an indescribable way.

In the melanoma community, this cancer is often called the beast. It is a black beast that seeps into the corners of our bodies, eating away at us while we sleep and eat and often not showing itself until it is too late.  Many people do not even find a primary location for this ugly monster becomes everyone's worst nightmare.

SCANXIETY comes every 6 months when I check out of the regular world and drive to the cancer center to get results from x-rays & blood work. During that time I am again a patient... sitting in a small doctor's office, praying that I do not see the look on my doctor's face that indicates the beast has returned. During that time, I plan how I will proceed if it is indeed back.... how will I tell my family?

I am SO VERY BLESSED that this has not happened, and with every visit I am told there was nothing exciting about any of my tests!  I get to live another day!

That is when I think of those who do not get the same news and I tears and joy and sadness slide down my cheeks.

EVERY day that I survive I wonder if a new pain is the beast, returned to finished what it started. EVERY day I choose LOVE & A POSITIVE ATTITUDE in order to continue to be NED.
EVERY day I am alive is a FIGHT against MELANOMA.

I will continue to spread the message that skin cancer is SO MUCH more than "just skin cancer" and I will cringe every time someone says that to me, because it is a horrible-horrible cancer, just like any other cancers....... and I will spread HOPE as much as I can.

I am just one person, who has a passion to spread HOPE and AWARENESS as much as I can.

STAND TOGETHER

Today was the AIM Walk / RUN to raise $$ for melanoma research and awareness. I met 2 brave women who are in the trenches of fighting melanoma!  I know what it feels like to be in their shoes and I realize the benefit of standing together and supporting one another in the fight against cancer!  

I am happy to be HERE and BE ALIVE to lend what support I can, by standing with other FIGHTERS.  

WE WILL FIGHT ON & STAND TOGETHER!
#WatchOutMelanoma2015

SHOUT OUT for ALL CANCER WARRIORS!!

Today I ran..... every step I took I dedicated to someone fighting cancer and / or someone who passed.

I run for Jillian.... she passed away in December of 2012..... I run for Tina who fought while I did...with a different outcome ..... I run for Steve Martin who endured biochemo and made it to NED, & Suzanne, Mark, and Rich!!  I run for my facebook friend Jennifer, who has been fighting and living with brain mets down under!  

You cannot see all our scars...but we have them.

I run for ALL fighters out there!!

Melanoma is more than JUST SKIN CANCER & IT KILLS!!

JUST A REMINDER for everyone who thinks you can just cut it out!

gone too soon....

you are missed everyday

Every month is Melanoma Awareness Month for me.....

As with so many other melanoma survivors, melanoma awareness month is every month for me. I am always trying to think of ways to spread awareness and am always caught off guard when people seem surprised that I almost died from skin cancer.

I am not shy about my experiences with melanoma and tell anyone and everyone. Recently, a coworker mentioned a friend telling her that his parent had skin cancer and it turned into another cancer in his liver and he was getting checked to see if it had gone to his brain.  Sounds like melanoma to me!!!

How do we get the word out that melanoma is WAY more than "JUST SKIN CANCER!!"  ???

HOW DO WE GET PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND A SUNBURN CAN BE SO DANGEROUS??

I am not quite sure..... most people do not want to talk about cancer.

I know it is hard to talk about cancer.  I do not want to talk about it, but my life depends upon being knowledgeable about cancer. My life will always take me to a cancer center for scan results, which I PRAY will always show I am NED.

I am not sure how to tell people and convince them that melanoma is so much more than just something you can cut out. IT IS DEADLY.

I HATE you CANCER

Dear Melanoma,

I really HATE you.I do not hate a lot of things, but you I HATE. WHAT I hate especially about you is how you made my family think they would lose me. I hate how sad everyone was when they saw me, sick and skinny and bald.  BUT, guess what?  I AM WINNING!  Next month I will see my daughter graduate high school!  This photo is when she'd come see me when I was in treatment, and it ROCKED her world thinking I was going to be gone.

I am 4 years NED and I PRAY everyday you never enter my life again. Every step I take, EVERY veggie I eat, EVERY negative thought I banish from my brain is done to KEEP you away.  LEAVE us alone!

I would end this sincerely or love, but I'd rather say F U!!!

Strong Steph staying strong, signing out!

Christmas Wish

I know it is March 22nd, but recently my husband and I found a Christmas letter from our daughter from 2010.

She asked for a cell phone because her Mom has cancer and has to go away.

It breaks my heart to think about what cancer did to my family. BUT, that is now in the past and the whole cancer experience seems like a bad dream.

As I ponder the WHY of getting sick.... I know the answers to this are not for my brain. I am blessed to be here and my goal now is to continue to give out HOPE and POSITIVE energy to those who are fighting a late stage cancer diagnosis.

I will continue to spread awareness as Melanoma is one of the fastest growing cancers. 

I titled this blog "back to life...." to chronicle life after surviving melanoma....& I wasn't sure how long I would be writing as statistics gave me 8-10% chance of surviving 5 years about diagnosis.

For those who passed on....  it is easier to die than live is something I have told my husband. If I had died, I was the lucky one to end my suffering.... and there have been days I thought, "I am alive for THIS?" 

At the end of my treatment my beloved little mountain school was closed and my family had to move so I could keep a job ( because we wanted insurance I was pretty sure my boss was trying to get rid of me) and as a result of the move our daughter suffered severe depression and we lost our dream cabin. I stayed alive for this??  

I beat the beast and I am here to send angels into the world and love and HOPE.