As I approach 8 years NED I find myself in the interesting position to be the person who knows cancer treatment and what it’s like to have chemotherapy.
I wanted to share a little bit about what it’s like going through chemo for those who are UNFORTUNATELY new to cancer. I want to clarify my view is as a patient and I am not a doctor.
Chemo Sick is not Flu Sick. You can use similar remedies to handle symptoms, but generally speaking there’s one way to get through it... and it SUCKS. 😣
Chemo treatment builds up in your body and creates a toxic buildup in your cells and side affects often take their time to appear. Side affects vary for each person.
Some side affects are: nausea, diarrhea, night sweating, fatigue, neuropathy, hair loss and extreme bone and body aches. Women are often put into menopause. These side affects can be mitigated with medication and various natural remedies but unfortunately they are the nature of the beast. Staying hydrated and resting are the most important things to do while recovering from chemo treatment.
And chemo brain is real. It’s very odd to get foggy thinking and become confused. Focusing on things becomes difficult and it’s important to understand this is normal.
Fatigue: for me it lasted for years due to the extreme nature of my treatment. Chemo fatigue makes the once energetic find that getting dressed takes it out of ya! With rest and time this gets better. Please take it easy with yourself and REST when you are tired and NOT feel bad.
REST IS PARAMOUNT TO RECOVERY! Sleep in your chair... sleep so your body can heal.
Going through chemo is not like going through the flu. Chemo is a buildup of toxic medication in your body to stop cancer cells from growing.
Most of all... be gentle with yourself and REST! You can do this! It’s not going to be easy... find a support system and hang in there... sometimes going through chemo is like walking through a fire and it’s the only way to get rid of cancer.
Hugs to you as you!!!
Melanona experiences and awareness and HOPE for those diagnosed with this very deadly cancer of the skin.
Monday, August 12, 2019
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
8 Years Later
It’s amazing how much changes in 8 years. 8 years ago I had just completed 5 rounds of one of the most toxic treatments and a major surgery that included a complete dissection of the left auxiliary (left armpit) lymph nodes for a stage 4 metastatic melanoma diagnosis. One doctor had said “go home” and another saved my life. The shock and trauma that this type of diagnosis puts a family through is unimaginable.
Yesterday I literally found myself wearing a swimsuit and in the Caribbean sea during the day! The sun came out and I felt vulnerable. Knowing what I know about the dangers of the sun I envy the people who walk without a hat and seem oblivious to sun exposure.
Thoughts for those who’ve unfortunately became a part of the cancer world. Real affects of this life experience of fighting cancer.
1) PTSD: family members and the cancer patient all experience varying levels of anxieties after faced with death. Caring for yourself and caregivers caring for themselves is beyond important. Joining support groups and leaning on other’s experience, strength, and HOPE is the best advice I can offer. That’s why I share my story of survival.
2) Anxiety of a reoccurring cancer. For me this never really goes away. I will always be a cancer patient on some level. Gratefully the more time that passes the more I’m convinced I beat it! Each day is a gift and more than ever it’s important to be true to your heart.
3) My goal now is to live my authentic life. Say what I mean but don’t say it mean... work hard and play hard because that damn cancer will always be lurking around the corner. Maybe fighting melanoma twice is all I’m destined to experience. While others fight for years...
To all the newly diagnosed, know that there are doctors out there working on a CURE! Know that others have been where you have been and we support you in our prayers! Even if you haven’t met us...
Live life with purpose and have fun when you can. Get out there and wear your sunscreen!
Yesterday I literally found myself wearing a swimsuit and in the Caribbean sea during the day! The sun came out and I felt vulnerable. Knowing what I know about the dangers of the sun I envy the people who walk without a hat and seem oblivious to sun exposure.
Thoughts for those who’ve unfortunately became a part of the cancer world. Real affects of this life experience of fighting cancer.
1) PTSD: family members and the cancer patient all experience varying levels of anxieties after faced with death. Caring for yourself and caregivers caring for themselves is beyond important. Joining support groups and leaning on other’s experience, strength, and HOPE is the best advice I can offer. That’s why I share my story of survival.
2) Anxiety of a reoccurring cancer. For me this never really goes away. I will always be a cancer patient on some level. Gratefully the more time that passes the more I’m convinced I beat it! Each day is a gift and more than ever it’s important to be true to your heart.
3) My goal now is to live my authentic life. Say what I mean but don’t say it mean... work hard and play hard because that damn cancer will always be lurking around the corner. Maybe fighting melanoma twice is all I’m destined to experience. While others fight for years...
To all the newly diagnosed, know that there are doctors out there working on a CURE! Know that others have been where you have been and we support you in our prayers! Even if you haven’t met us...
Live life with purpose and have fun when you can. Get out there and wear your sunscreen!
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Not to complain....
When you fight cancer you tend to have a different perspective on life. Your perspective changes about pain, about being sick, about most things. There are so many of us cancer patients who have moved on from being in the trenches of the fighting and we carry scars.
From baldness... to having hair again... life goes on. You cannot always see the scars, but they are there. Some of them are physical, while other scars are mental. I have experienced both, so for those of you who are recently out of cancer treatment, know this is YOUR new normal!
1st For the first few years I hurt. My body was sore from the massive amount of chemotherapy I went through. I had a foggy brain and had a hard time remembering. Chemo brain IS REAL.
2nd For us women, we often go through early menopause. Now this fact is RARELY mentioned or talked about...but when you are only 40 and go through menopause it is quite a shock.
3rd For the third phase, about 2 1/2 years after treatment we may experience extreme euphoria! There are moments when you want to TELL EVERYONE, "HEY, I AM ALIVE!!!" This euphoria alternates between massive fear of a reoccurence. The emotional highs and facing the fear of a reoccurence had me on xantax... it is a mind f-ck and scary as hell, combined with gratitude and happiness.
4th Once you are about 5-6 years out of the treatment you begin to feel free. You begin to feel as if you can LIVE again. You can plan LIFE.
5th Overall, you begin to not give an Eff what others think because you almost died and you did not die and you are here!!!
All I can say... is I will ALWAYS feel the swelling in my arm due to lymphedema and I will always feel sore where the double port was in my right artery near my right collar bone.... I will always think about cancer... BUT I will NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE I AM ALIVE!
1st For the first few years I hurt. My body was sore from the massive amount of chemotherapy I went through. I had a foggy brain and had a hard time remembering. Chemo brain IS REAL.
2nd For us women, we often go through early menopause. Now this fact is RARELY mentioned or talked about...but when you are only 40 and go through menopause it is quite a shock.
3rd For the third phase, about 2 1/2 years after treatment we may experience extreme euphoria! There are moments when you want to TELL EVERYONE, "HEY, I AM ALIVE!!!" This euphoria alternates between massive fear of a reoccurence. The emotional highs and facing the fear of a reoccurence had me on xantax... it is a mind f-ck and scary as hell, combined with gratitude and happiness.
4th Once you are about 5-6 years out of the treatment you begin to feel free. You begin to feel as if you can LIVE again. You can plan LIFE.
5th Overall, you begin to not give an Eff what others think because you almost died and you did not die and you are here!!!
Me and my bff in Canada last summer!
All I can say... is I will ALWAYS feel the swelling in my arm due to lymphedema and I will always feel sore where the double port was in my right artery near my right collar bone.... I will always think about cancer... BUT I will NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE I AM ALIVE!
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
PERSPECTIVE
I am borrowing the word perspective from a melahomie friend of mine, Kristi.I agree with her so much as this word relates to the concept that we all have a different perspective on life. And those of us that have had cancer, definitely have a different view than others.
My PERSPECTIVE now is that of a survivor. 7 years ago I began down the road of fighting for my life. I had one doctor tell me "go home, there is nothing I can do for you' and another tell me "Stephanie, I am going to try to save your life, and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you, and it has not hit the fan yet." PERSPECTIVE
Of course, I went to the 2nd doctor! He began a serious of experimental treatments called biochemotherapy. This is the hardest chemotherapy regimen on the planet. I received 2 years worth of treatments in 5 months. I was admitted to the hospital for treatments and monitored every 4 hours to make sure I was alive. I lost 60 pounds and all my hair. Brutal? HARD? YES!!!
The first few years out of treatment I tried to return to my normal life. My bones hurt. My memory was horrible. Yet, I put one foot in front of the other and refused to give in! I cried... a lot... who knew depression was caused by interferon?? I found out... FEAR ruled my life. Fear of melanoma returning. I was more afraid than I let anyone know. I had already scared the shit out of my family.
PERSPECTIVE
Being a cancer SURVIVOR has made a person who DOES NOT PUT UP WITH SHIT. I stand my ground and speak my mind. (Some may say this is who I have always been.) I know in my heart what I stand for... and I still am afraid of melanoma coming back...but my 7th year of NED has brought me more peace that I am here to stay!
My view on life now is to GO FOR IT! AND to help others who are in the fight! I am heart broken at all the people who have not survived like me, and are gone. Survivor's guilt is real. My survivorship means, to me, that I give back to the cancer community. I am forever a member of this club. One of my best friends joined the club survivor breast cancer, and I cried and cried when she told me her diagnosis. Cancer is a BITCH and I HATE it with all my heart.
I will continue to organize my 5k for Melanoma Awareness and monies to go to research so that one day,others can be told their chances of surviving a melanoma diagnosis of stage 4 are 90% versus the 5-8% I was given. I want to LIVE LOUD and HAVE ADVENTURES...
If you finding this blog and are newly diagnosed... please have HOPE! There are many of us diagnosed with Stage 4 and told to go home, and we are HERE! Surviving cancer changes your perspective. It makes sunrises more beautiful. It makes sunsets and rainbows magical. It helps you truly do what matters with your life!
My PERSPECTIVE now is that of a survivor. 7 years ago I began down the road of fighting for my life. I had one doctor tell me "go home, there is nothing I can do for you' and another tell me "Stephanie, I am going to try to save your life, and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you, and it has not hit the fan yet." PERSPECTIVE
Of course, I went to the 2nd doctor! He began a serious of experimental treatments called biochemotherapy. This is the hardest chemotherapy regimen on the planet. I received 2 years worth of treatments in 5 months. I was admitted to the hospital for treatments and monitored every 4 hours to make sure I was alive. I lost 60 pounds and all my hair. Brutal? HARD? YES!!!
The first few years out of treatment I tried to return to my normal life. My bones hurt. My memory was horrible. Yet, I put one foot in front of the other and refused to give in! I cried... a lot... who knew depression was caused by interferon?? I found out... FEAR ruled my life. Fear of melanoma returning. I was more afraid than I let anyone know. I had already scared the shit out of my family.
PERSPECTIVE
Being a cancer SURVIVOR has made a person who DOES NOT PUT UP WITH SHIT. I stand my ground and speak my mind. (Some may say this is who I have always been.) I know in my heart what I stand for... and I still am afraid of melanoma coming back...but my 7th year of NED has brought me more peace that I am here to stay!
My view on life now is to GO FOR IT! AND to help others who are in the fight! I am heart broken at all the people who have not survived like me, and are gone. Survivor's guilt is real. My survivorship means, to me, that I give back to the cancer community. I am forever a member of this club. One of my best friends joined the club survivor breast cancer, and I cried and cried when she told me her diagnosis. Cancer is a BITCH and I HATE it with all my heart.
I will continue to organize my 5k for Melanoma Awareness and monies to go to research so that one day,others can be told their chances of surviving a melanoma diagnosis of stage 4 are 90% versus the 5-8% I was given. I want to LIVE LOUD and HAVE ADVENTURES...
If you finding this blog and are newly diagnosed... please have HOPE! There are many of us diagnosed with Stage 4 and told to go home, and we are HERE! Surviving cancer changes your perspective. It makes sunrises more beautiful. It makes sunsets and rainbows magical. It helps you truly do what matters with your life!
Friday, August 31, 2018
7 YEARS NED!!!
When you see me today, you would never guess I almost died. I wouldn't guess I almost died. Yet, I did almost die.
Fall of 2010 I was diagnosed with late stage cancer, stage IV melanoma cancer.... spread to my lungs, sacrum, and a large 16 cm tumor in my left armpit which was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve. It was frightening and painful. I had 5-8% chance of living 5 years.
Well, I am more than a number and more than odds given to me. I often like to even forget it happened. But, I will ALWAYS have to be diligent in cancer checkups and due to the HIGH statistics for recurrences in melanoma, I can never not be concerned...
FOR TODAY, I AM ALIVE!!
I am writing today's blog for an update on life at 7 years NED.
For the first couple of years after treatment I spent a lot of time sad. I was dealing with survivor's guilt, PTSD, fear or recurrences, and overall exhaustion from the treatments themselves. My body had bring brought to the edge of death and coming back life WAS extremely HARD. My brain was foggy, my body was TIRED, and my joints HURT. I was unsure I would ever feel "normal" again.
The third and fourth year after treatments I improved in energy levels, my brain was recovering and I overall looked better! I began putting weight back on and my hair was growing out. (I had lost 60 pounds and all my hair during treatment.) I cried less and was able to have energy for more activities.
The fifth year out of treatment to now: I basically am "normal." The parts of me that as good as it gets are unseen by all. My left arm suffers from lymphedema. If it is hot or I use it too much, I then swell. I wear a sleeve to help. My brain power is pretty good! I can remember what I need to remember. There are still moments in time that are GONE from my memory. It is so strange to have moments lost.... completely erased from your brain. I compare it to an etch-a-sketch, my treatments completely shook up my brain cells and memory! My energy levels look good and feel good, but there are still times I basically run out of steam and collapse with exhaustion. It is hard because I am a teacher, the job that asks of its people more and more and more. There is only so much I can give, but I do my best.
SO, anyone out there who is not knowing how they will feel after treatments: BE PATIENT. You do get back to a "normal" one day. It is okay to sit down, watch a funny movie and let the dishes stack up. It is okay to ask someone to bring you lunch. It is okay to say no to social engagements (or work) because you have given all you can give.
It is hard to explain to people what cancer treatment does to person's stamina and energy and brain! I know! I know people do not understand because I look FINE and it was 7 years ago I stopped treatments. For me, I was on the brink of death and basically have been coming back from that for 7 years and I AM GRATEFUL to be ALIVE.
Take care of you PEOPLE! HUGS TO ALL MY MELAHOMIES who are in the ACTIVE BATTLE of fighting active disease.
Fall of 2010 I was diagnosed with late stage cancer, stage IV melanoma cancer.... spread to my lungs, sacrum, and a large 16 cm tumor in my left armpit which was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve. It was frightening and painful. I had 5-8% chance of living 5 years.
Well, I am more than a number and more than odds given to me. I often like to even forget it happened. But, I will ALWAYS have to be diligent in cancer checkups and due to the HIGH statistics for recurrences in melanoma, I can never not be concerned...
FOR TODAY, I AM ALIVE!!
I am writing today's blog for an update on life at 7 years NED.
For the first couple of years after treatment I spent a lot of time sad. I was dealing with survivor's guilt, PTSD, fear or recurrences, and overall exhaustion from the treatments themselves. My body had bring brought to the edge of death and coming back life WAS extremely HARD. My brain was foggy, my body was TIRED, and my joints HURT. I was unsure I would ever feel "normal" again.
The third and fourth year after treatments I improved in energy levels, my brain was recovering and I overall looked better! I began putting weight back on and my hair was growing out. (I had lost 60 pounds and all my hair during treatment.) I cried less and was able to have energy for more activities.
The fifth year out of treatment to now: I basically am "normal." The parts of me that as good as it gets are unseen by all. My left arm suffers from lymphedema. If it is hot or I use it too much, I then swell. I wear a sleeve to help. My brain power is pretty good! I can remember what I need to remember. There are still moments in time that are GONE from my memory. It is so strange to have moments lost.... completely erased from your brain. I compare it to an etch-a-sketch, my treatments completely shook up my brain cells and memory! My energy levels look good and feel good, but there are still times I basically run out of steam and collapse with exhaustion. It is hard because I am a teacher, the job that asks of its people more and more and more. There is only so much I can give, but I do my best.
SO, anyone out there who is not knowing how they will feel after treatments: BE PATIENT. You do get back to a "normal" one day. It is okay to sit down, watch a funny movie and let the dishes stack up. It is okay to ask someone to bring you lunch. It is okay to say no to social engagements (or work) because you have given all you can give.
It is hard to explain to people what cancer treatment does to person's stamina and energy and brain! I know! I know people do not understand because I look FINE and it was 7 years ago I stopped treatments. For me, I was on the brink of death and basically have been coming back from that for 7 years and I AM GRATEFUL to be ALIVE.
Take care of you PEOPLE! HUGS TO ALL MY MELAHOMIES who are in the ACTIVE BATTLE of fighting active disease.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Authentic Self : Lessons from Cancer
It is somewhat cliche to say and cheesy, but I have learned lessons from fighting cancer. It was hard at first to admit there was anything good about the experience. Also, I would never want anyone to go through the life changing experiences of fighting cancer. What I feel is most important for me is that I am now truly, my most Authentic Self.
Explanation:
1) When first diagnosed, I was very sick. The reality that I had a 5-8% chance of living 5 years was a hard pill to swallow. I had just turned 40 and my daughter was only 12. My career was going and I simply had no time for cancer.
OKAY SELF: you do not get to choose to be sick or not to be sick. You had to deal with the diagnosis. Sure,we can do what we can to prevent cancer, but as of late 2010, your path was to FIGHT. If you survive, well, that was out of your hands completely. It is time to truly look inside myself and be true to me only... time to survive!
2) I fought like hell.
round 1 of biochemotherapy
round 2 of biochemotherapy
a visit with my daughter, too tired to do anything but lay in bed
round 3... losing my hair
a visit from my family
after surgery
finally home!!
me hiking to upper Yosemite Falls!
Explanation:
1) When first diagnosed, I was very sick. The reality that I had a 5-8% chance of living 5 years was a hard pill to swallow. I had just turned 40 and my daughter was only 12. My career was going and I simply had no time for cancer.
OKAY SELF: you do not get to choose to be sick or not to be sick. You had to deal with the diagnosis. Sure,we can do what we can to prevent cancer, but as of late 2010, your path was to FIGHT. If you survive, well, that was out of your hands completely. It is time to truly look inside myself and be true to me only... time to survive!
2) I fought like hell.
round 1 of biochemotherapy
round 2 of biochemotherapya visit with my daughter, too tired to do anything but lay in bedround 3... losing my haira visit from my family
my sweet husband
after surgeryfinally home!!
During active fighting of cancer, I was in each moment because I did not know if I would wake up. Literally, I would close my eyes and not know if I would open them. You have to be OK with that and you have to allow the medicine to do its job. When treating cancer , there is no guarantee that the cancer will respond. Melanoma likes to go to your brain and liver and for me I had brain MRIs frequently! During treatments I was admitted to the oncology ward of St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica.
The soul searching I did during treatment is quite hard to explain. I came to believe that there is a poweOK with dying know that my family would survive if I passed. I also wanted to die occasionally to end the pain of the treatment. (I do not tell a lot of people that.) I had to let go of anger and resentments. I was barely alive and thought my last views in the world was going to be Los Angeles Skyline.
3) YOU ARE ALIVE, NOW WHAT??
Survival: There are many stages after treatments end.
Here are a few: "HOLY SHIT!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" "I'M ALIVE!! I'M ALIVE!!!" Survivor's Guilt is real.
Fear of a reoccurrence is CONSTANT.
People shunned me when I returned home, hardly anyone in my town of 150 residents came to see me and people even turned there back on me in town, literally. Guess I looked scary...sad
HOW CAN I HELP OTHERS WHO ARE FIGHTING?
Now I am 7 years NED and I have learned that I need to be my Authentic Self. What does this??
BE TRUE TO ME
Say what I mean, don't say it mean.
My life is fantastic now. I moved away from the town that shunned me when I was sick. I still teach children and love helping kids see a value in education. I live near Yosemite and enjoy many hikes and vistas there. I am honest with others and do my best to spread kindness and love into the world.
me hiking to upper Yosemite Falls!
LIVE TODAY AND BE AWESOME! BE KIND TO BE OTHERS! KNOW THERE IS HOPE IN BEATING STAGE IV CANCER, I DID IT, SO CAN YOU!!! BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!
For more about my fight: read my little book.
Thursday, July 5, 2018
HATE CANCER
Recently one of my best friends was diagnosed with breast cancer in both breasts. Tears immediately began to pour down my face. The diagnosis of cancer is NEVER easy. I do not care if it is a "low grade" diagnosis, as the one my friend has, because she is still facing a double mastectomy and possibly radiation.
Now I am on the other side and I am the friend of the person who is facing the diagnosis. I am heartbroken because I know how hard the decisions ahead of her are going to be. Fighting cancer is a full time job. Once you here those words, "It is cancer," your life is FOREVER changed. You now have to make sure you are being seen by competent doctors, and ensure you are getting the best possible care. You are faced with life changing surgeries and treatments. Now I begin to navigate the best way to support my friend as she faces cancer herself.
That is why I am actually posting this blog with the f word: I HATE CANCER. Cancer SUCKS and I hate that it is reaching so many people. I believe that there is a cure out there... and that less people will have to face chemotherapy with all the research being done in immunotherapies.
Together, we can make a difference!
Now I am on the other side and I am the friend of the person who is facing the diagnosis. I am heartbroken because I know how hard the decisions ahead of her are going to be. Fighting cancer is a full time job. Once you here those words, "It is cancer," your life is FOREVER changed. You now have to make sure you are being seen by competent doctors, and ensure you are getting the best possible care. You are faced with life changing surgeries and treatments. Now I begin to navigate the best way to support my friend as she faces cancer herself.
That is why I am actually posting this blog with the f word: I HATE CANCER. Cancer SUCKS and I hate that it is reaching so many people. I believe that there is a cure out there... and that less people will have to face chemotherapy with all the research being done in immunotherapies.
Together, we can make a difference!
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