Cancer still SUCKS

As 2019 ends I have some words for you cancer:

Dear Cancer,

I still hate you. I will never let you steal my spirit. You cannot have me.

In late 2010, I fought like hell to get a proper diagnosis and when 2011 began I was dying. You came to me in the form of melanoma. Or as some people call, "just skin cancer." You came back after 10 years and tried to kill me. It did not work so F-YOU!!

Many people say to me,"how long has it been?" and seem confused that I am still concerned about it... but the battle I had with you cancer will always be a part of me. I will continue to share my story to spread HOPE to others. I pray and hope my efforts bring comfort to others who are fighting cancer.

While you came to me as melanoma, many others get breast cancer, lymphoma, ovarian, or lung cancer... you have so many ways to manifest yourself and we will continue to fight. We will continue to step up and face the horribly painful and toxic chemicals necessary to stay alive.

Cancer patients carry the scar of fighting forever....some scars are literally on our skin and others stay in our minds... memories of an IV drip that felt like glass shards going into our blood stream or a medicine nicknamed "shake and bake" for the uncontrollable shaking that would begin after the toxic medicine entered our bloodstream. The memory of being a cancer patient is one that is hard to shake off... losing your hair, throwing up EVERYTHING and losing massive amounts of weight... all of these experiences leave an imprint on a person.

Yet, HERE WE ARE, STANDING TALL!! 

I stand tall against you cancer, for those who fought like hell and left their damaged bodies to go to heaven. There are somethings that are simply too  damaging for a fragile human body. Cancer treatment can be SO hard and it truly HURTS. These people are not weak... or did not fight enough... we will never know why some of us are alive while others passed away. This thought is always present in my mind.

I will continue to use MY LIFE for good and do what I can to spread HOPE in the face of the darkness that is CANCER. 


The only "good thing" I have left over from my fight with you cancer is I found out how strong I am. I am stronger than I ever thought.  SO, SCREW YOU CANCER!!

Cancer and Christmas

One of the support groups I belong to for cancer recently had a member mention all the tests she will be going through now.

Cancer does not know or care about the holidays...

in 2010 I was suffering from a large tumor that grew to be 16 cm large and it was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve in my left armpit. The pain was immense. Through knowing someone who knew someone who knew Dr. Morton at the John Wayne Cancer Center in Santa Monica, CA, I had an appointment granted for December 23rd, 2010. I had a CT/Pet scan.... blood work, and a brain MRI... all with the tumor growing bigger and subcutaneous tumors popping up on my abdomen. I was in huge amounts of pain. Surgery was scheduled for the first week of January to remove the tumor. (Which by the way had 2 JP drains attached to it from a surgeon who had tried to take it out in November.)

The phone rang at dinner time. The surgery was cancelled. The cancer had spread to my lungs.


In 2010 the many new treatments were not yet FDA approved. There was truly no options, or so I thought, to save my life. Christmas of 2010 was to be my last holiday with my family. My heart broke.


Angel blessings led me to the Angeles Clinic in LA where many wonderfully smart people were developing new treatments for melanoma. I met with Dr. Omid Hamid and he said he would try to save my life. I was dying and probably without him had around 2-4 months to live.


SO, here I am! 8 years later!!  I went through 3 years of chemotherapy and 2 years of immunotherapy in 5 months. It is called biochemotherapy. 5 drugs administered all together. An arsenal of toxic poison to kill the cancer. It almost killed me as I lay in a bed on the oncology ward of St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica. I endured 5 cycles and lost 60 pounds  and all my hair. I had a major surgery to remove the dead tumor in late April of 2011. The treatment sent my body into menopause and the surgery left me with limited use of my left arm. The cost of life for me.


I know the horror of facing cancer during the holidays. It is horrible beyond words. If you know someone fighting cancer please, 1) do not ignore them... call or send a card! It means the world to them!  2) as hard as it is... look at their face. watching yourself die while trying to fight cancer is extremely frightening and it is hard to see that in another human. People I knew would turn away from me,  in my home town, once I returned home. It hurt.

People have beat cancer and beat serious as hell diagnosis's!  And people who have passed away have not died due to a lack of fighting. We all fight with every ounce of energy... fighting cancer is a full time job and the disease that is cancer is a sneaky bastard... often lurking in the tiniest of cells only to come back. melanoma patients know that all too well... I personally have had it twice... each time 10 years apart!! 

Hug each other. Celebrate one another. Nothing is guaranteed.

I write this to spread hope to those suffering from cancer.... screw you cancer!!!