SIGNS

While jogging with my dog, I saw 6 very big, and very ominous turkey vultures, sitting on both sides of a gate I had to pass through to continue on my 3.58 route. What were they doing there?  These black birds that eat the remains of dead things..... WHAT WERE THEY DOING in the MIDDLE of my path??

I suppose I have always believed in signs. And not stop signs my friends, signs of things to come.  My last visit to the cancer center I heard my doctor utter the word "cured" and "you can come once a year" .... "if you feel okay with that?"

OF course I am HAPPY!  OF course those are words I want to hear....BUT.... there is always a BUT when thinking of melanoma. BUT, what if it comes back... what if it comes back and I don't know because so often there are no symptoms of the disease being there..... WHAT IF THESE 6 vultures are a SIGN?  A BAD SIGN?

There could have always been something dead nearby, that these creatures were feasting on.... and as  they flew away I realized that I have been given a second chance, for some reason, and I am here, chasing off the black vultures of doubt that live in my mind and in the minds of all people who have lived with the black beast of melanoma.

Stages of Scanxiety

FIRST: for those who are new to the cancer world, what is scanxiety?  These are the feelings we get when facing scans, blood tests, and anything else cancer related.

SECOND: These are only my feelings and perhaps they are shared and perhaps they are not....


Alright, let's get into this, shall we?

Scanxiety has a different levels and different duration times for each of us. The first 2 years out of cancer treatment I had scanxiety up to a month before my tests.  It was amazing what would remind me of being in treatment. A song.... a smell.... a sound? ( those damn beeping sounds of an IV tower!!!). It could be just about anything to bring a rush of tears to my eyes and bring fear to my heart.

The next thing to flood my mind is how will I tell my family I am sick again. How will I look at them and know we are facing treatment again?? What treatment will I get this time?  How will I tell my employer and how the hell will we stay financially afloat because my paycheck is the primary $$ for our family?  basically.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO??

Now that I am at 4 years NED, my scanxiety has taken on a new, logical approach... the biggest concern is how to tell my family and how the hell we will make a living and pay for my treatment. My first round of fighting cancer drained all my sick leave and teachers only have a limited amount of time. Once that is gone... we will be unemployed and have NO INSURANCE.

I know , I know , I KNOW BABY!!  IT IS RIDICULOUS!!  

but this is not a blog about health insurance and the failure of our country to offer fair and decent health care to all its citizens.... that is entirely another topic.

Back to SCANXIETY.  We worry about $$, we worry about treatments and can we do it AGAIN,and we worry about telling our families and have imaginary conversations with everyone we know telling them we are sick again.... GEEZ, it all exhausts me.

(CAN YOU tell I am heading in for blood tests and x-rays??)

ONE more thing!  After the results come back clear, we wonder if our doctors read the scans correctly?  Did they miss something?  Am I really dying?  It is a roller coaster of emotions and a total MIND F*#K!!! 

So, as of now I am NED.... and until I get clear results... I will worry a bit.  I will pray for those who are fighting and those who are on hospice care...and try not to let scanxiety get the most of me. 

THANKS for reading.