Facing Death

This topic has been on my mind. I watched Robin Roberts on 20/20 and she talked about going into a coma like state and hearing her name. She thought it was her Mom, who had passed away. Yet, it was her nurse, calling her back. At that moment she chose to come back. I had tears rolling down my face as I listened to her story. I knew exactly what she was feeling. I had a similar moment in my treatment.


When you are diagnosed with stage IV melanoma, you face death. It is inevitable that you think about dying. During my treatments there were a few times I did not know if I was going to make it. After either the 2nd or 3rd cycle of bio chemo I remember laying in my parents bed and having a "moment" of outer body communication. I was in SO MUCH PAIN, and I was so EXHAUSTED. I knew at that time, I could give up and let go of my body. It seemed to be failing me and only torturing me. Someone gave me a book on angels....and many people who know me, know I love angels. I lay still and prayed to my guardian angels and I knew they were there. I also became aware that there was more to the afterlife. I knew it in my heart. I decided to hang on and at least see if the western medicines were able to kill the cancer.

After my 3rd treatment, the scans revealed that the cancer was dying. It was WORKING.

It is very hard for people to talk to someone who is dying...or has almost died. When I returned to my home town people did not recognize me and people did not talk to me really. Few people made effort to stop by my house and say hello, welcome back. My close call with death was uncomfortable for people.

I think, as a society, we do not talk about death. We avoid death and focus on staying young. YET, death is something that to my great sadness, has come to TOO MANY YOUNG WARRIORS of melanoma. I do not know why I am here and others who are younger did not make it through the treatments....this is something I think about often. BUT, I do know know that facing death changed me.

GOD BLESS Robin Roberts for sharing her story and her strength  She has shed light on the importance of FAMILY and FRIENDS and LOVE while we are here on earth.

My Daughter and I = LOVE

Where it all started....

This long weekend I traveled back to my hometown, Laguna Beach, CA. It was an amazingly beautiful sunny weekend. Can you imagine living somewhere like this? Well, it was amazing. A HUGE part of the culture was to go to the beach. We all owned at least 3 bathing suits. It was something everyone did. From a young age I spent all my free time on the beach. I would lie down and instantly fall asleep. My back side usually fell victim to a sun burn.

As a teenage girl, the pressure to be thin is still there, and in addition to this, my generation had a pressure to be tan. I might not even call it a pressure to be tan, but we all wanted to fit in for sure. SO, I took my white skin and would spend hours on a towel. I think what sealed my fate was the hours oin a tanning bed. It was not a lot, but I thought I could keep a tan going in the winter months by working at a tanning salon, and I received free tanning priveleges. If only I knew what hell I would pay with a stage IV diagnosis.

Teens today have so much more knowledge and we know the dangers of tanning. We know the dangers of UV rays. My teenage daughter is proud of her pale complexion. She urges her friends to not tan. YET, there is still some pressures to tan. When I was in Laguna I saw tan people everywhere. I wanted to shout, "don't you know that could kill you!!"  I didn't. But I wore my Melanoma Survivor shirt proudly.

With so many young people (younger than me, and I am young :) ) getting melanoma, like Jillian, and to our deepest regrets and sadness, passing away from this ugly disease I pray and hope that all people can truly become happy with the skin their in.

More thoughts on Cancer Survivorship

Today I took my dog on a walk on the river bank looking for eagles. I always find my brain remembering that 2 years ago I was in the hospital, it was my 2nd round of biochemotherapy, something people do not understand unless they have been through it. I wonder why am I here? And then I think I am so grateful I am here! I truly need to stay positive and not take life for granted. Every extra day, extra month, and extra year I get after a stage IV diagnosis is a blessing. It is a chance for me to spread HOPE for others diagnosed with melanoma. 

I loaned my book to a co-worker, because it seemed easier than explaining my experience with cancer. She returned it to me with a gift...a card and an angel. Her words were to me were, "you are so strong and you have left an impression on me." I was flabbergasted. The kindness was so much appreciated.

So, if I share with you the dangers of melanoma and skin cancers, and I share my harrowing story, it is to spread hope. It is not to annoy you or be a martyr. I simply want to spread HOPE and good vibes into the world as when you are at the end that is all there is. I know, I have been there. I came back to help others...and I will continue to do so.

Hugs to the melanoma community online, as one of my online cancer survivor friends said, Thank You all my Mela-homies!  Together we will make a difference!  

Melanoma Awareness

Hello everyone,

It is amazing to me how people are still confused that a skin cancer can be deadly. Just yesterday someone asked me, "what type of cancer did you have?" and after  I said "melanoma" she said, "skin cancer?"  YES, skin cancer......

SO, I write this post with this in my thoughts: people need to start understanding the REAL dangers of "Skin Cancer." I realize there are more skin cancers out there than melanoma...but my life experience is with this deadly form of skin cancer. The beast MELANOMA.

People need to know that once you develop even a small melanoma on your skin, it can come back at anytime. Many times it does not, but in my case it did. My original melanoma was fall of 2000. It returned in 2010 and was a stage IV by Christmas. We did not know if I was going to live to my 41st birthday in March of 2011.  

Melanoma is one of the HARDEST cancers to beat and is almost always fatal. The statistics are very grim. THANKFULLY there are SO many doctors out there, like Dr. Omid Hamid and his colleagues at the Angeles Clinic and Dr. Morton at the John Wayne Cancer Center who have dedicated their lives to researching this ugly disease and bringing hope to so many of us. Without them I would not be here.

With patience I will do my small part to spread awareness that skin cancer is CANCER. While many people do catch it early and are able to "cut it out" and go on with life, there are many people dying everyday from skin cancer and others battling with every ounce of their beings RIGHT NOW to survive. 

I know there is simply a lot of ignorance about the dangers of the sun and tanning beds. BUT, be warned melanoma, there is an army gathering and we are going to start getting LOUD!!!