Random Thoughts

As you get farther away from cancer treatment, life begins to take on a "regular" pace. And that is just fine with me.... BUT, thoughts of cancer are always present.

BIG THINGS I have learned:
1) there are no big things!
2) life is precious!
3) if I don't have enough $ for all my bills, it's ok to have a pile of bills I can't pay
4) did I say Life is PRECIOUS? well , it is......

I know some people are still fighting and I will continue to pray for them.

I HOPE my story of hope can help someone out there.

sidenote: I had a good friend die after fighting breast cancer for years, back a few years ago. She had wanted to see her daughter graduate. She did not get to.... My BEAUTIFUL daughter will graduate in May and I AM ALIVE TO SEE IT!!  I LOVE YOU ALLISON!!

SHOUT OUT to CAREGIVERS

Lately I have been thinking a lot about caregivers.  Over the winter holiday, I visited my Mom in her small retirement style apartment. I saw her comfy recliner which I set in while I stayed with her during my cancer treatments.


It was HORRIBLY HARD for those around me to watch as I lost weight and got weaker and weaker. I can never truly say THANK YOU enough to everyone who took care of me.


Caregivers for cancer patients have such a difficult road to travel as their loved ones fight.  They face the bills coming in every week.... they ponder how life would be alone, without their spouse/parent/sister/brother/child. It is a REAL concern for those with family members in cancer treatment.

I always felt bad for putting my family through the cancer and hated watching the sadness in their faces.

We have all moved on, and now live as if I will live....as I am ALIVE.  But, it doesn't escape us that a recurrence is a real possibility.

FOR ALL CAREGIVERS, BLESS YOU!!  Thank you for sacrificing so much so we can get through the treatments and remember to take time for you!  Go to lunch, see a movie, and remember to get help to care for us...... it is a hard thing to do alone.

LOVE to the members of Team Stephanie who helped me SURVIVE:  Linda Yates, Kathryn Yates, Amy Yates, Chris Bowen, and my daughter Allison.

It takes  TEAM  to deal with a cancer diagnosis.

SCARS

Mom, Allison, and me.... proud I had hair! Spring 2011

As 2014 ends today I definitely ponder another year without cancer.

Melanoma is one that can return with no notice and people who have been diagnosed are not even given the prognosis of remission, we live with NED, No Evidence of Disease. This is very confusing to many people and I stick to language that is familiar to people, like remission.

I am 3 1/2 years NED.....and SO GRATEFUL.

Yet, my scars continue to remind me of my battle.

Even though I have my hair back, and my hips ;), I feel the scars all the time.Everyday I cover up my scars, & under my clothes is a hole under my left armpit.  The cancer had been a 16cm tumor, wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve.  It was HUGE. The 5 rounds biochemo killed it and it was a black, dead, ugly mass, that was removed in a 3 hour surgery in April 2011. The underarm has scars of the original lymph node biopsy done in 2000, with my first stage 1 melanoma.  My poor arm is saggy due to my lack of ability to really use it, as the surgery removed muscles and nerves. I was left with 2 JP drains as well.  I am blessed to actually be able to use my arm as I have a friend who lost an eye to melanoma!  LOST AN EYE!!!  I can hardly complain when I see her wonderful smile and feel her warmth and joy for life.  SHOUT OUT to Suzanne Lescure!!



Many of us carry these scars and will always experience fear at new pains in our bodies, feel our lymph nodes while showering, look at new spots and wonder how long they have been there.

I suppose I am grateful I "got out" of fighting cancer as well as I did. Most people do not know I was sick and cannot believe I almost died from "just skin cancer." I even had a coworker tell me she was reconsidering using sunscreen because of me.... ( that's right, she doesn't in using sunscreen.)

My caring bridge entry after finding out the cancer was gone:

Miracles

By Stephanie Bowen — May 12, 2011 6:32pm

     "No tumor in Nineteen lymph nodes", "No evidence of melanoma", "Importantly, no viable tumor cells are seen in any of these specimens."  Laboratory External Specimen Inquiry

This is the news I received today!! No evidence there is still cancer in my body!  Thank you Angels, Jesus, & Heavenly Father for the MIRACLES!  

I can plan on my return to my family!

Keep the HOPE!

love, Stephanie

Even though I have scars, I will move forward with HOPE & FAITH that even if it came back, I would beat it again.. 

Happy Holidays!!

Happy Holidays out there!  I have not posted in a couple months and with Christmas next week I have memories of Christmas 2010, when I was not sure if I would survive to see another holiday.

For those who do not know my story:  In short: In the fall of 2000 I had a clark's level 4 melanoma removed from my left forearm. It was followed by a lymph node biopsy. The result of that was GOOD, no cancer in my nodes. Life went on...... 10 years later, in the spring of 2010, I felt something under my left armpit. I put it out of my mind until breast cancer awareness month. That is when I really realized something was wrong. After weeks of tests to determine what was going on.... by late November of 2010 I FINALLY saw an oncologist who told me to go home, there was nothing that could be done.  IT WAS HORRIBLE.

At that time, I lived in a very isolated mountain town. My Mom and I headed towards southern California, praying that we would be led to someone around Christmas who had an option for treatment.

The MIRACLE of MIRACLES is a very good friend of mine in New York knew someone who knew someone on the board of the Melanoma Research Foundation. This connection got me an appointment on December 23rd, 2010 with Dr. Morton at the John Wayne Cancer Center. I had a tumor the size of a grapefruit under my left armpit and was in EXTREME PAIN.  This appointment led to test after test which indicated the cancer had spread and I needed a medical oncologist. My next visit was to the Angeles Clinic to see Dr. Hamid.  He told me, I will try to save your life Stephanie and if the shit hits the fan I will tell you. I was admitted in for bio-chemotherapy on Jan 5th, 2011.  I AM ALIVE!!

It was extremely painful and hard and I thought I was going to die at least 2-3 times during the treatment. My life has changed SO much since the cancer....my daughter suffered depression after the treatment....we lost our dream cabin in the mountains....BUT, I am alive!!!

With Christmas next week I will remember how BLESSED I am and even when I wonder WHY did I survive and so many others are gone, I will spread a message of HOPE & FAITH.

 My daughter & I at the start of my last treatment.

 My family, 1 year after cancer. 

My hubby & I in Glacier National Park, MT. 

Things you don't may not know about cancer survivorship....

Alright, it has been in my mind how healthy, non-cancer people do not really understand how those of us who have been through cancer feel after our treatments, when we are no longer in the trenches of active treatment. I write about this as I know I am in a stage where some people may wonder why I don't just "get over it" and move on.

What you don't know about a cancer survivor:
1) scars hurt - we have scars where our ports used to be and where we had surgeries. These are sore and cause a variety of problems. My surgery was so extreme due to the nature of the huge 16 cm tumor that had wrapped around the brachial plexus nerve, that when removed it caused permanent damage to my body. My left shoulder blade is constantly pulled out of whack.

2) we often head to an infusion center to have our ports flushed. A port is under the skin and needs to be accesses with a long needle and flushed with saline water so it does not get plugged. If it is plugged, the nurse needs to call your doctor and get a prescription for some unclogging medication to flush in to your body. Going tot an infusion center is stressful as it reminds us we are cancer patients.

3) Even if we do not lose our hair or it grows back, we can be sick. Cancer patients do not always look sick. Some of the new drugs do not cause hair loss... and even on steroids we can gain weight. So, well many of us look horribly skinny during extreme treatments , such as mine which was bio-chemotherapy.... many of us have hair while fighting.

4) Please do not tell us to "not worry" and "just think good thoughts" as we are already very worried and thinking good thoughts. Of course I worry about dying and leaving my family! Making light of that is simply, sometimes, irritating. Melanoma, for example has a 87-90% chance of reoccurence for stage IV patients. So, being worried is a part of the survival.

5) We are not contagious.... & we need HUGS.

6) Please know that chemo brain is REAL, and we may have a hard time remembering things.... and we may cry randomly, as there is PTS from fighting cancer.

Fighting for your life from any stage of  any cancer is very challenging to the human spirit. Our lives have changed and we are forever different.

Peace &Love to all those in the trenches of their fight, right now. May you feel peace and acceptance for the outcome of your fight. There were many days that I realized the outcome to my fight may have been death and I remember the times I almost died..  peace & love & comfort to those who have lost their loved ones.....  because CANCER really does SUCK.

#cancercanthaveme
#melanomaawareness

A kiss from Allison, I was finally back home after being gone for 6 months to fight cancer. 

Hubby & I a month after my surgery. June 2011

How Breast Cancer Awareness Month saved my LIFE...

Breast Cancer awareness month promotes and educates the public about the benefits of self breast exams. It was during one of these self exams that I found the lump in my left armpit which turned out to be stage IV melanoma.

First, I want to share that I have 3 very good friends who have had breast cancer. 2 of which are still with us, and one who passed on after battling breast cancer for 6 years. A diagnosis of breast cancer devastates. My friend who died was only 36. She and I were studying to be teachers together when she was diagnosed. Diane was a FIGHTER and did everything in her power to survive. Her passing broke my heart. My other two friends are alive and live with disfiguring mastectomies, reconstruction surgery and the same fears of reoccurrence that I live with.

Back to how it saved my life, Thanks to the awareness from breast cancer month & from having friends who have had breast cancer, I performed self exams monthly. This exam alerted me there was something growing in my left armpit.  With my history of melanoma I knew it was possibly melanoma again. I hoped for breast cancer because of the publicity it receives and how deadly I knew melanoma could be. If it was BACK, I did not know if I could beat it.....

SO, do I buy into all the pink???  no
Am I grateful that people are talking about cancer? yes
It is important that ALL cancers receive attention as those afflicted by cancer do not all get breast cancer.

We get melanoma, prostate cancer, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, and lung cancer to name a few. The colors vary and frankly it is disgusting that so many companies try to profit off cancer by using pink ribbons.

I will be grateful to the awareness brought by breast cancer as it did saved my life.

Dear Melanoma

This week our melanoma community lost 1 more.  Those of us who have survived the unthinkable, the "go home and get your affairs in order," the HORRIBLE diagnosis of melanoma, often wonder, why me & not them???

That my friend is not up to us... that is up to God. Why am I here?  Why is she not here?  Brandi fought as brave as I did and longer. Brandi :

I did not meet Brandi or even communicate via all our wonderful technological ways of meeting people, but I knew her.  I knew her FIGHT all too well. I knew she was up against a BEAST. Melanoma is called a beast because it often does respond to traditional methods of treating cancer, ie. chemotherapy.  It does whatever it wants... 

Well.... F-You MELANOMA!! I HATE YOU!! I hate that this beautiful young woman and so many other people are dying because of you!! I hate that my insurance company doesn't seem to take it serious that I had stage IV melanoma only 3 1/2 years ago and won't allow my pet/scan.  I HATE CANCER.

That is all from my work today.... I wanted to put it out to the cyber world HOW FRUSTRATING it is that melanoma took someone else. I refuse to say she lost her battle... Brandi is in heaven and no longer has pain.  Bless HER FAMILY.