Am defined by my cancer? Is cancer a "gift" ?

Now that I am an official member of the cancer survivor group I feel I can express my thoughts on the idea that many cancer patients hear, " Don't let your cancer define you!" & " the gift of cancer."

I try to do a lot of cancer support for others who have been diagnosed with the cancer. Just last week I heard of a young 33 year old Mom, who was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma....and her diagnosis was frighteningly similar to mine. An original diagnosis of stage I and 10 years later, a diagnosis of stage IV.

Melanoma is sneaky like that.....  ugggg.

Alright, back to my main idea: Does cancer define me? Should it? I hear so many times that us cancer patients should not allow our diagnosis to define us. I beg to differ.....


I am a stage IV melanoma patient. I am currently NED, and proud and relieved to say NED for 2 1/2 years NED. Am I my diagnosis? Well....yes I am!  Cancer hit my life like a ton of bricks and cancer will always be a part of my life. I will always be seen by a doctor to ensure I am NED. I will always spread awareness and hope to others facing a devastating diagnosis. 

I also want to address the idea of cancer being a "gift." What did I get from having cancer?  Sure, I appreciate life...I appreciate being alive and the time with my family and new experiences. BUT A GIFT?? No way! I would not wish anyone to go through the diagnosis of and the treatment of cancer. It scares you to your bones.

Contrary to cancer lingo out there, I do not see cancer as a gift and I do define myself as a cancer survivor. Cancer definitely changed who I am, both physically and mentally. I will continue to do my part, as a survivor, to bring awareness to people about melanoma being so much more than "just skin cancer."

It's okay with me if you define me as Stephanie who had cancer.... How do you feel about this?

Vampire Syndrome

Today I took a big walk with my dog, in the sun. Even with a hat on and my skin covered up, I felt I was putting myself in harm's way. I thought, I am a vampire. I am someone who loves the dark. BUT, I also felt as if I were visiting a long lost friend.

The sun and I had had a long relationship....me laying out in it, feeling the warm rays on my skin....and thinking that sunscreen would protect me. Days and days and years and years of sun. Melanoma changed all that....

I like shady cloud covered days...ones where I feel there are less dangerous UV rays coming down. I am jealous of people who sit out in the sun, unaware of its dangers.

What does 2014 have in store for me? Will I continue to be a worshipper of the dark? Will I continue to have vampire syndrome? Somehow I will make peace with the sun....I will not feel every ray is out to get me! 

After all, the sun helps plants grow...and it makes beautiful sunrises and sunsets. The sun and I will continue to have an awkward and reluctant relationship.

Christmas Wish

After reading about this woman, I had to share and post a blog today, 2 days before Christmas.

I do not know who reads my blog, so here is a recap. 3 years, my family and I spent Christmas thinking it would be my last Christmas with my family. I had a diagnosis of stage IV melanoma. According to the National Institute of Health "The prognosis for patients with distant metastases is generally poor, with historical 5-year survival rates of less than 10%."

Therefore, I definitely had thoughts about how my husband and daughter would love without me. During treatments I prayed that my husband would find love again if I were to pass.

I think that when one is close to dying we have intuitions as to how to move on peacefully. Those who know me even better, know I believe in Angelic Help....I know we have angels who will guide us through the hard times.

This beautiful woman definitely is an angel now and this story is so beautiful!!

I will continue to pray for those who are fighting cancer right now, as cancer does not take a Christmas Vacation. Cancer keeps going through all days....and it is a horrible nemesis for us to face. It is no longer an "old" person's disease. It takes mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters from us.

When I tell my family I do not want anything for Christmas....I mean it, as I have survived and I live, 3 years after thinking I would gone and they would be dealing with facing life without me.


Peace and Love to you all out there!! & a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!



(Not that I am the most important person in the world, but I sure love my family!!)

 

Benda Schmitz... passed away from cancer and left her family an awesome wish for happiness in her absence.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/two-years-after-she-passed-away-a-woman-gives-her-family-an

Belonging to the "Club"

I am a reluctant member of the melanoma club. I did not want to join, but fate and hours of sunbathing as a young person (in my teens and 20s) qualified me as I received the horrible news of being diagnosed with stage IV melanoma in December  of 2010.

It really struck this weekend, as I began to notice all of the hundreds of us who have been affected by melanoma cancer. I have SO MANY cyber friends that are a part of this club. We often call ourselves "melahomies."  Some of us have passed away....some of us are actively fighting....and some of us are blessed to be NED.

BUT, there are too many us. I HATE cancer. I HATE what cancer did to my family. I HATE that my family had to watch me go through the horrific treatments. I HATE that so many people do not make it through the treatments and or their cancer wins...because melanoma is a malevolent force and can be resistant to traditional medicine. 

I try so hard to be a positive person, but sometimes I feel angry at cancer and I feel angry to be a part of the melanoma club. Ignorance is bliss....and I am not ignorant about melanoma.

I will always pay a lot in medical bills as I need to be constantly monitored as melanoma likes to return. I will always feel the hole in my left armpit, and the numbness on my left side from the removal of the tumor that had wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve. Most people will not know I went through any of that....

I hope a day comes that I do not think about cancer....but that day is not today.

I am comforted that if I had a reoccurrence I have so many people to support me and my family...and I will continue to reach out to other people in the "melanoma club." I am grateful to be alive.

"Cancer- Anniversary"

I usually think of an anniversary as being something to celebrate. It is a time to eat cake, and drink a glass of wine and really celebrate!!

This week is the anniversary of my diagnosis of stage IV melanoma. For Thanksgiving in 2010 I had the realization that it may be my last Thanksgiving. I was sacred stiff. I did not have courage....I  had FEAR. It was the worst fear a person could have is to think he or she will not be around for their child anymore. That was the fear that filled my body and spirit.

Now, many of you know how my story turned out....and obviously I am HERE to tell the tale of fighting cancer.

I post this to say that everyday I am THANKFUL to be here. I am so very thankful to be here and to be able to spread my story of hope. In this day and age, a stage IV diagnosis does not mean death.

BUT, for some....who do not make it, I send hugs and prayers to those families. I do not know why I am here and others are not. I do not know.....and it saddens me.

For those who are facing cancer..... keep the faith and for those who are caregivers...THANK YOU!!

Blessings to all fighting cancer!!!

Memories

        The brain works in mysterious ways. Yesterday I was listening to music and heard a song by Train. Now most people know how much I LOVE the Dave Matthews Band, but I do listen to other bands. Mom and I would listen to a great live CD of Train while driving to Santa Monica to see my doctors. My favorite song during treatment was "Calling All Angels" by Train. I prayed and prayed that Angels would help me through my painful treatments and that Angels would help my family if I did not survive.

        I hear Train's lead singer, Patrick Monahan, and I think of those very scary drives to Santa Monica. It was a 2 hour one way drive from Mom's house. We spent a lot of time in traffic. It was too much time to wonder if the scans would come back showing the cancer was going away. We could never be sure.

        This last summer I drove on the 405 freeway, right past the Wilshire Blvd exit for the Angeles Clinic. I was sick to my stomach. Memories came flooding back.

Fighting cancer is something that will always be with me. You cannot see the scars that I feel everyday. You cannot even tell I was sick. I like it that way.

   I will always send angel cards to those fighting cancer. I do not care what kind of cancer it is, CANCER SUCKS!!!

    I do not have any BIG epiphanies to share.... just sharing helps me feel better. The ghost of cancer is never far from my mind.... yet I will go out today and celebrate that I am alive!!

Have A great Saturday!!

Go get your feet wet!

Getting Older

Lately, I have been thinking about getting older. When I was diagnosed with cancer I did not think that I would see my 41st birthday.... I did not know if I was going to age anymore. 
When I was really sick I stopped thinking about anything other than beating cancer and how would my family deal with my death?

So, the other day, when I got my pictures from our school photo day, I thought, " I sure look wrinkly and old!" And then, I thought, that is GREAT!!  I am ageing!!

I saw an older couple today, walking hand in hand, and thought, " My husband and I get to be old together."

Ageing is okay with me. I will get wrinkled. I will see my daughter graduate high school. I will get older. And that is good with me! I am happy to be here!

Blessings for all those who are fighting cancer and all those who are caregivers to fighters. Cancer SUCKS and yet, there are those of us who have beat it!! 

HUGS to Everyone!!

And a special CONGRATULATIONS to Chelsea on getting married!! She did not let a cancer diagnosis get her down!!