YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!

 

As I sat in my hot tub this morning, hoping to see some "fire ball" meteors, of which I did not, I pondered how this is the anniversary of my diagnosis of stage IV melanoma.

If you haven't heard my story before:  Fall of 2010 I had a lump under my left armpit. By thanksgiving, it was about the size of a tennis ball. The doctors had these statements, " give her a shot for pneumonia, she's going to have chemo" & " why did you come here? I could've done this over the phone." "There's nothing I can do."

The shock and horror my family felt is indescribable. We cried and cursed ( well I cursed) and PRAYED for an answer. We reaching out to everyone we knew for help.  I friend of mine who knew someone who knew an important someone, Debra Black, was able to get me an appointment on December 24th, 2010 at the John Wayne Cancer Center.  After a LONG day of tests and scheduling surgery to remove the tumor that was now the size of a grapefruit and causing me unexplainable amount of pain, we received a phone call at around 8:00 that night. The tests said the cancer had spread to my lungs and surgery was out of the question. I was being referred to a medical oncologist named Dr. Omid Hamid at the Angeles Clinic. 

My husband and daughter left after Christmas. I stayed with my parents for the appointment to the Angeles Clinic.  The tumor grew.... and grew... and my hope for surviving went lower and lower....I was heart broken.

The first week of January I saw Dr. Hamid. He said, " I will try to save your life, and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you. It hasn't hit the fan yet."  I was admitted to St. John's 3 days later for my first of 5 rounds of biochemotherapy and received around 2 years worth of chemotherapy and immunotherapy drugs in 5 cycles. I was bald, I was sick, and I hardly ate a thing. BUT the cancer shrunk and by the last cycle the scans showed no active cancer.  In April Dr. Morton performed a 3 1/2 hour surgery to remove the dead tumor. THE MONSTER under my arm was gone!  AND I still had an arm!  

I share to let you all know I have been there... I have suffered... and I SHARE HOPE that one day you can be back on your feet!  For those who have lost loved ones....during may darkest days of chemo there were times I did not want any more drugs. I did not want to suffer anymore. If the cancer had not responded, I would have called in hospice. I completely and totally understand those life and death decisions faced by cancer patients and their families.  My heart breaks whenever I read that patients are not responding to treatment. WHY ME and Not THEM?

For NOW, CANCER SHALL NOT PASS into me!  you asshole, you tried to take me from my family and I am coming at you in 2016! Now that I feel more human than ever ( as the treatments took about 4 years to feel really over. 

I head to Washington D.C. in March with MRF to advocate for government support of melanoma awareness!

In June 2016, I am planning a fundraising AIM walk/run to bring even more attention to the dangers of melanoma!  

I do not know where else I may end up...but MELANOMA!  YOUR DAYS are NUMBERED!!

diagnosed & parenthood

The other night my lovely 18 year old daughter came to see me before I fell asleep. She has been dealing with the new world of being a grown up and wanted to discuss some things. She looked at me and said, "what if you are not here?"

I paused....

"What do you mean? I am here!"

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Do you mean the cancer?" OF COURSE she meant the F-ing cancer!!

What if she needs me and I am not here to help.

Cancer is a horrible thing to face and even more horrible to tell the ones you love you are sick. I cried my eyes out for my daughter especially when I received the diagnosis


I did not want to leave my daughter but I had to and I lived down in southern cal for treatments and I did not know if I would ever return home.

My new melahomie Lisa Butler is fighting stage 4 melanoma with 3 small children at home.
My other new melahomie Aine is stage 4 and HER mother is as well!!

Telling my daughter I had cancer was the worst thing I have ever had to do. It is also why I fought so hard.

To all those mother's out there, keep fighting!

To Lisa, I am so proud every time I see you post your smiling face and I now this has not been easy for you.

To my daughter, I AM SO PROUD of you!!

Can't you cut it out?

Can't you cut it out? This is a question that people with melanoma hear a lot. It's just skin cancer, right?

SERIOUSLY!!!

I am sick and tired of hearing this. I know many people who have been diagnosed with stage IV melanoma and have not had  primary melanoma on their skin. I know people who were misdiagnosed with something else, because melanoma was the last thing on the minds of their doctor. I know someone who had it come back, INTERNALLY, after 10 years passed of it just being "cut out." (that is me by the way).  

SO, for the record, melanoma is the deadliest form of skin cancer, it is cancer, and people diagnosed with it will spend their entire life wondering if it is coming back. 

Too many people are losing their life to this ugly disease. Last night we lost a beautiful young man to the disease. I cannot imagine the sadness is family is going through. It is time for this disease to be hit with all we got!  It is time for all cancer research to join forces and fight for all cancers!  It's not all about the pink ribbon, it is about all cancers!

I am saddened and pissed off and out of words for the  losses due to cancer. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. 

This country needs to get off its ass, and stop distracting us with bullshit political games and put our resources and energy towards GOOD, CURING CANCER needs to be TOP of the list.

Seeing Spots

I see spots.... EVERYWHERE!  I am probably looking at your spots if we in person.  

While spending time at a natural hot spring this past weekend, I saw lots of spots. There was a a mother and daughter with BAD spots. Not just a little freckly... but dark, msishapen spots, all over.  Judging by their accents, they were foreigners and did not speak lots of English. It was HELLISH to not start a big lecture, OF COURSE they had their spots looked at!  I was on a mini vacation and was trying to NOT think about melanoma.

But therein is the problem. I think about melanoma every day. It follows me, a fear I pray you never have to live with.

SO, please look at your spots because you never know the trouble that may be brewing in them. 

christmas tree

Yesterday I went to a memorial service for a friend who passed away after his cancer treatment from an infection in his blood. He died while recovering from cancer.

He called his iv tower the tree of life. I used to call mine the christmas tree. I suppose they are the same thing... a Christmas Tree is to celebrate the life of Christ & the tree of life for Paul was life giving as he was a man of DEEP faith in God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus.


This made me think of what cancer treatment does do your body and spirit. Those of us fighting, as well as our families, often have our faith renewed, created, and or tested. It is SO HARD to think that GOD would want anyone to go through the PAIN of cancer treatment. I have spent a lot of time pondering this.... as I experience GREAT physical pain during cancer treatment and my family experienced GREAT mental anguish worrying about me dying.

WHAT AM I getting at???

The simply point of this blog is to ask for PATIENCE for those of us who have been diagnosed with cancer. The anxieties do not just go away after treatment ends.... I myself am 4 years 2 months out of treatment and was crying like a baby after reading my the medical leave benefits for my job!  I wasn't planning on crying, trust me!

My christmas tree was an iv tower hooked into my double port...now my "iv tower" or christmas tree is a SOLID belief that there is a power greater than myself, I call God, and I have guardian angels looking out for me all the time.

What is your "Christmas Tree"??

How melanoma changed my life...

Back to Life, (this song motivated the title of my blog)

Yesterday was a day that I was reminded of how my outside activities have been affected by melanoma.  My family and I visited Travertine Hot Springs, outside of Bridgeport, CA. In my 20s, I was the first one to take off my clothes and jump in any hot water!  I did not think twice about the sun. 

Who can resist this? I sure couldn't!  I grew up visiting these types of natural wonders.... yet.... yesterday it was in the middle of the day, and the sun was way HIGH UP in the sky. My poor white body did not need this exposure at all. I did not get in the hot springs. 

DAMN YOU melanoma!!

I know I am not the only one to be affected by melanoma. The people out there diagnoses with stage 1 are now covering up all the time!  They feel fear of the sun that was never there before.  Families are mourning the loss of loved ones, a number too big for me to think about now. My eyes are filled with tears thinking of all the people who have lost their lives to "just skin cancer!"  

For today, I will approach my life with much respect for the sun's rays and use this knowledge to warn others about the dangers of too much exposure.

I have been blessed with a 2nd chance to get Back to Life and I will continue to spread a message of HOPE and AWARENESS for melanoma and fighting cancer. 

A letter To the Newly Diagnosed and those is the Trenches of the Fight

Dear Newly Diagnosed with Cancer & those who are actively FIGHTING,

First, I am SORRY you are going through this. I too have been there!  It is THE hardest and SCARIEST thing you a person can face. I know you are scared and your family is scared.  BUT, I want to share a message of HOPE.

The year of 2011 began for me with a diagnosis that only gave me 5-8% chance to live 5 years. I had anywhere from 2-6 months to live. It was stage IV metastatic melanoma. A tumor the size of a grapefruit was under my left armpit. The pain was unbearable. The fear was unimaginable. I had NO IDEA how I would survive. Without going into the gory details, I did survive and I am here now.

What I want to do for all those in the middle of cancer treatment, is extend a HUGE HUG!  That is right, I am a hugger!  I want to hug all of you and tell you to take it easy and rest. Let the medicine do it's job and know that so many of us have been right where you are. I am one of the people who was told to go home and get their affairs in order. "There is nothing I can do for you," were the words from one doctor to me and husband and mother. My poor husband almost fainted.

With a lot of faith, I was led to the Angeles Clinic in Santa Monica, CA. This is where I met the charming Dr. Hamid. He said I will try to save your life and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell, and it has not hit the fan yet. He sent me in to the hospital for bio-chemotherapy.

I said I would not share gory details... so I won't.  But, I want to tell you I KNOW about the pain of treatment. I know about hair loss....I know about not eating for 14 days....I KNOW about being close to death. I know about wanting death to end the pain of the treatment and the pain of watching your family watch you in the middle of the pain of cancer treatment.

These days of fighting cancer are the the HARDEST times you will face.

I am so proud of YOU for your fight and the dignity you have during this time.

THERE is an ARMY of PEOPLE praying for you, RIGHT NOW!

& MOST OF ALL, I WANT TO SAY TO YOU:  STAY STRONG!!

MUCH LOVE to YOU

Sincerely,

Steph