Melanoma Warriors

You cannot tell by looking at us, but we are warriors.  We faced death. We fought melanoma skin cancer after it metastasized inside our bodies and we waged war. AND WE WON!!

As I enter the 12th year of being NED, No Evidence of Disease, I want to share a little bit about the stages, as I have experienced. 

Surviving : first 1-5 years : during this time I was fearful ALL the TIME of a reoccurrence. I spent a lot of time truly being in fear that the cancer would return. Because my diagnosis had  survival rate of 5% to make it 5 years, I was convinced it would come back and I did not want to be surprised once it came back.... I was also recovering from the massive amount of drugs that were used to save my life. Personally, I had 2+ years of treatment in 6 months, all at once, with a treatment called biochemotherapy. 

Surviving : next stage 5- 10 years: survivors guilt hits. This is a real feeling. As you being to realize it is a miracle you survived and that others in the melanoma community are dying survivor's guilt can hit you. While I was still dealing with chemo brain ( a fogginess that affected my short term memory) and fatigue I knew I had to give back. I had to process this may medical event I had been through. I wrote a short memoir style book to record my feelings as well became involved with Aim at Melanoma to raise money and awareness for this often misunderstand deadly cancer. People often think you can just cut it out and do not know that it is so deadly. click link for access to my story via kindle:

Steph's Book Kindle version

Scanxiety is when you suffer massive fear and anxiety during semi annual and annual checkups. Melanoma requires YEARS of follow up checks that include blood draws, CT scans with and without contrast, and MRIs. These take a day out of your life, along with travel to the cancer center where you have to be reminded that you are a cancer patient. It is very STRESSFUL.

I share this blog to provide HELP and AWARENESS to those affected by melanoma. Feel free to check previous entries that document the YEARS & all the varied emotions I have had throughout the experience. LOVE YOU ALL and thank you for reading and sharing my story.  

Shout Out

 I would like to take a moment to give a shout out to those who are currently fighting melanoma.

I understand your fear. I understand your sleepless nights. I understand how hard it is to talk to your children, your partner, and friends about your illness. Sometimes it feels like your entire life breathes and sleeps cancer. I want to give you a hug and let you know that there are many of us who have been there. There are many of us who have survived the odds. 

I had a 5% chance of living 5 years and here I am!

I am so sorry you are facing melanoma and people say "isn't that just skin cancer?" 

I am so sorry you worry about your next scans & worry about any bumps or new spots every time you look in the mirror.

STAY STRONG and Surround yourself with a team and LET THEM help you. This is no time to be tough and face cancer alone. And when someone asks you "what can I do?" Ask for help with chores, yes please help me with laundry, or yes please make a meal for my family. 

And remember... There is a community of Melahomies out here rooting for you, praying for you and WE UNDERSTAND, we have been there. 

10 YEARS NED BABY!

 It has been 10 years since I returned home from the fight of my life. 10 years since I had active metastatic melanoma. I am blessed. I am beyond lucky!  I am getting the opportunity of planning my daughter's wedding. Life is GOOD.

It never escapes me that not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone makes it through a stage 4 melanoma diagnosis.  Melanoma is called the black beast for a reason. It has an extremely scary rate of reoccurrence. Melanoma likes to come back. In short, it is a sneaky bastard.

Those of us who fight it, fight like hell and never forget the battle. We remind others of the dangers of tanning. People begin to forget that we almost died and we watch family and friends discuss tanning on social media and cringe. 

We will never stop sharing about the dangers of melanoma. 

This day, June 8th, 2021, I say NEVER GIVE UP and know that others have fought and beat the beast. We are out here and we send love and prayers to the fighters and their families. And above all else, we are grateful for our doctors and nurses and our all those who stood by us as we fought. 

Gratitude

 Is it a cliche? Do have profound gratitude around holiday time? For me it is truly a time of year for sincere gratitude for LIFE.

December of 2010 I was gravely ill. I was about to start a 2nd battle with melanoma. My first melanoma was a stage one, the second melanoma was stage four. At that time, only 10 years ago, a stage four metastatic melanoma diagnosis was fatal. There were no proven treatments. Every time I write this, I try to not be melodramatic. But, after the pet / CT  scans, brain MRIs, blood work, on Christmas eve of 2010 I received a call that the cancer was in my lungs (along with the 16 cm tumor) and simply removing the tumor would not be enough. The truth is, I had less than a year to live. 

I was sent to the Angeles Clinic the first week of January, 2011 and I met Dr. Hamid. He said I will try to save your life and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you, but it has not yet!  I can tell you, I felt like I was dying. My tumor was HUGE and the pain was horrible. The cancer was spreading. 

October 2020 with Dr. Hamid

Needless to say, the experimental biochemotherapy treatment saved my life. I do not know why I was spared when so many others die after receiving a similar diagnosis. I am an ordinary person. I am not doing anything exceptional. I will always try to spread HOPE to others and hopefully by sharing my story of HOPE I can give back for the gift of life I have been given. 

Today, I remember that day, when the news came how sick I was and change it to GRATITUDE. 

Love each other as LIFE is FRAGILE. 

For the fighters: BE BRAVE and Hold Up HIGH, there are prayers for you from people you have ever met. 

What do you wear for a CT scan

 It is important to wear clothing with no metal when going for a CT scan. Therefore, as a woman, I need to wear a bra that is not underwire. This way I can avoid having to put on a hospital gown. To get through a scan, I use day dreaming. I dream of wear I will eat lunch, as I had to fast and missed breakfast because I had to drink the chalky drink for scans.  I dream of that day I skied 14 inches of fresh powder!  I dream of the awesome bucket list trip I took to Costa Rica last year...anything to get my mind off that these scans are a mandatory part of my life due to a diagnosis of stage 4 melanoma. 

Granted, I am NED (No Evidence of Disease) for 9 years...  I know how sneaky melanoma is and how it is a life wrecker... Melanoma does whatever it wants.  

During these crazy days of 2020 it is, more than ever, to GRATEFUL for surviving.  Grateful to be ALIVE.  

I send prayers out to those who are actively fighting and want you to know that others have been there and we are here, alive and breathing and we know how hard it is to prep for the scans, to not know when the cancer will finally respond to treatment and to know what it is like to plan on telling your family goodbye. 

I do not know why I am still here, but I will do my best to spread HOPE and awareness for melanoma!!

Hate you melanoma

Well, I am officially 9 years out from my last cancer treatment!

is 

And while I am stoked, I am very sad today to hear a melahomie 

is now on hospice care. This young man has been fighting since I was declared NED, No Evidence of Disease. He has 2 young children and a beautiful wife. He has co-sponsored an organization called Stage Free Melanoma and spearheaded a melanoma bus so that people can get free skin checks and stay stage free of melanoma. He is truly a warrior and an advocate for melanoma awareness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUlPcwiouaM&t=7s







I send prayers for peace as this family goes through the process of saying goodbye. I am going to be grateful to have met him and his family and know he is heading to heaven. Please know that melanoma is so much more than "just skin cancer." 

Covid-19

Thoughts on coronavirus and cancer.


Well then... I never knew that cancer treatment would train me for something like this.  How is this pandemic like cancer?? Let me share  the two big reasons why this is similar.



1) A cancer diagnosis places its patients in isolation. We are currently in isolation, but we are healthy.

2) During cancer treatment, you are worried about getting sick. Now, everyone is worried about getting sick. 

I never thought that chemotherapy treatment would train me for something like this. During chemo, you are so worried about getting sick, you spend a lot of time alone, and you are basically worried about your health, all of the time. Unfortunately, everyone in the world is now worried about getting sick. The big exception, is that people are not sick. We are sitting at home avoiding catching the virus. And we definitely do not want to get sick.


I miss contributing to society with my job as a school teacher. I had always wanted to teach and have done so for 20 years! My life's calling is education and I am proud of it. But, cancer treatment taught me to sit still and heal when necessary. 

As I sit at home and quarantine, I remember the days of chemotherapy quarantine. You isolate so you do not get sick while the rest of the world continues forward. You are stuck in one place as the world moves at a rapid pace around you. Life stops. 

I would NEVER want anyone to go through this, but now people have a better understanding as this happens to all of us. Wearing a mask used to be a symbol that you are sick and when you wore one as a cancer patient, people definitely looked at you as though you were a sorry person. The looks of pity and sorrow comes to mind as I see others wearing masks. 

I hope when this is over, we remember those fighting cancer and how they are still in an existence of isolation. They still are worried about getting sick. Cancer patients will always have a worry of a re-occurrence of cancer. Thus is the life of someone who had a diagnosis of melanoma or any cancer. 

How can we reach out to those who will continue to worry about being healthy when this pandemic is over? Just some food for thought. Remember, when the pandemic ends, cancer continues... screw you cancer.

Cancer still SUCKS

As 2019 ends I have some words for you cancer:

Dear Cancer,

I still hate you. I will never let you steal my spirit. You cannot have me.

In late 2010, I fought like hell to get a proper diagnosis and when 2011 began I was dying. You came to me in the form of melanoma. Or as some people call, "just skin cancer." You came back after 10 years and tried to kill me. It did not work so F-YOU!!

Many people say to me,"how long has it been?" and seem confused that I am still concerned about it... but the battle I had with you cancer will always be a part of me. I will continue to share my story to spread HOPE to others. I pray and hope my efforts bring comfort to others who are fighting cancer.

While you came to me as melanoma, many others get breast cancer, lymphoma, ovarian, or lung cancer... you have so many ways to manifest yourself and we will continue to fight. We will continue to step up and face the horribly painful and toxic chemicals necessary to stay alive.

Cancer patients carry the scar of fighting forever....some scars are literally on our skin and others stay in our minds... memories of an IV drip that felt like glass shards going into our blood stream or a medicine nicknamed "shake and bake" for the uncontrollable shaking that would begin after the toxic medicine entered our bloodstream. The memory of being a cancer patient is one that is hard to shake off... losing your hair, throwing up EVERYTHING and losing massive amounts of weight... all of these experiences leave an imprint on a person.

Yet, HERE WE ARE, STANDING TALL!! 

I stand tall against you cancer, for those who fought like hell and left their damaged bodies to go to heaven. There are somethings that are simply too  damaging for a fragile human body. Cancer treatment can be SO hard and it truly HURTS. These people are not weak... or did not fight enough... we will never know why some of us are alive while others passed away. This thought is always present in my mind.

I will continue to use MY LIFE for good and do what I can to spread HOPE in the face of the darkness that is CANCER. 


The only "good thing" I have left over from my fight with you cancer is I found out how strong I am. I am stronger than I ever thought.  SO, SCREW YOU CANCER!!

Cancer and Christmas

One of the support groups I belong to for cancer recently had a member mention all the tests she will be going through now.

Cancer does not know or care about the holidays...

in 2010 I was suffering from a large tumor that grew to be 16 cm large and it was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve in my left armpit. The pain was immense. Through knowing someone who knew someone who knew Dr. Morton at the John Wayne Cancer Center in Santa Monica, CA, I had an appointment granted for December 23rd, 2010. I had a CT/Pet scan.... blood work, and a brain MRI... all with the tumor growing bigger and subcutaneous tumors popping up on my abdomen. I was in huge amounts of pain. Surgery was scheduled for the first week of January to remove the tumor. (Which by the way had 2 JP drains attached to it from a surgeon who had tried to take it out in November.)

The phone rang at dinner time. The surgery was cancelled. The cancer had spread to my lungs.


In 2010 the many new treatments were not yet FDA approved. There was truly no options, or so I thought, to save my life. Christmas of 2010 was to be my last holiday with my family. My heart broke.


Angel blessings led me to the Angeles Clinic in LA where many wonderfully smart people were developing new treatments for melanoma. I met with Dr. Omid Hamid and he said he would try to save my life. I was dying and probably without him had around 2-4 months to live.


SO, here I am! 8 years later!!  I went through 3 years of chemotherapy and 2 years of immunotherapy in 5 months. It is called biochemotherapy. 5 drugs administered all together. An arsenal of toxic poison to kill the cancer. It almost killed me as I lay in a bed on the oncology ward of St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica. I endured 5 cycles and lost 60 pounds  and all my hair. I had a major surgery to remove the dead tumor in late April of 2011. The treatment sent my body into menopause and the surgery left me with limited use of my left arm. The cost of life for me.


I know the horror of facing cancer during the holidays. It is horrible beyond words. If you know someone fighting cancer please, 1) do not ignore them... call or send a card! It means the world to them!  2) as hard as it is... look at their face. watching yourself die while trying to fight cancer is extremely frightening and it is hard to see that in another human. People I knew would turn away from me,  in my home town, once I returned home. It hurt.

People have beat cancer and beat serious as hell diagnosis's!  And people who have passed away have not died due to a lack of fighting. We all fight with every ounce of energy... fighting cancer is a full time job and the disease that is cancer is a sneaky bastard... often lurking in the tiniest of cells only to come back. melanoma patients know that all too well... I personally have had it twice... each time 10 years apart!! 

Hug each other. Celebrate one another. Nothing is guaranteed.

I write this to spread hope to those suffering from cancer.... screw you cancer!!! 

NED LIFE 8 years later

In my world NED is important. It means No Evidence of Disease. I have been NED from stage 4 metastatic melanoma  for 8 years. 8 years ago I had a doctor tell me to go home, "There is nothing I can do for you."  I had angelic intervention and was guided to the Angeles Clinic and around Christmas of 2010 I met Dr. Omid Hamid and he said, "Stephanie, I am going to try and save your life and if the shit is hitting the fan , I will tell you... " and he saved my life.

I endured 5 rounds of biochemotherapy. It is a 22 day cycle of 3 chemotherapy drugs and 2 immunotherapy drugs. This treatment almost killed me and I remember during the 3rd cycle I was dying. I thought that the last thing I would see was the skyline of Los Angeles from St. John's 4th floor oncology ward. Doctors and nurses checked my vitals every 4 hours. Some people die days into this treatment.... and I completed 5 rounds.

After receiving about 3 years of treatments in 5 months I was skin and bones. I returned to a job that did not even want me.... I went back to work and cried and cried. My bones hurt like hell. I had gone through menopause at 40 as a result of the treatment. Yet.... I persevered. Everyday I got up and did what I could to keep moving forward.

In the 8 years since my treatment my body finally feels healed. I gained back all the weight I lost during chemo and lost it again... in a healthy non sick way!  I hike a lot and work full time. But the truth of it is, I am an older person on the inside. I get tired fast. I run out of energy. Life AC (After Cancer) is wonderful, but for me, I am different.

I share all of this because I know there are those out there fighting not just melanoma, but all types of cancer. The battle with cancer is never easy. A post cancer life is full of pain and anxiety as you wonder what happened to all my energy? Many of us get back to a "normal" but it is a new normal.  If you are reading this and fighting cancer, take it easy on yourself and know that others of us have been where you are and have returned to life. Take Care of you! Do what you want... and remember, you are a rock star for the fight you are fighting and / or the fight you did to become cancer free!! 

here are some pictures of my daughter on a bucket list trip to Costa Rica this last June!

Thoughts on Chemo: a patient’s perspective

As I approach 8 years NED I find myself in the interesting position to be the person who knows cancer treatment and what it’s like to have chemotherapy.


I wanted to share a little bit about what it’s like going through chemo for those who are UNFORTUNATELY new to cancer. I want to clarify my view is as a patient and I am not a doctor.

Chemo Sick is not Flu Sick. You can use similar remedies to handle symptoms, but generally speaking there’s one way to get through it... and it SUCKS. 😣

Chemo treatment builds up in your body and creates a toxic buildup in your cells and side affects often take their time to appear. Side affects vary for each person.

Some side affects are:  nausea, diarrhea, night sweating, fatigue, neuropathy, hair loss and extreme bone and body aches. Women are often put into menopause. These side affects can be mitigated with medication and various natural remedies but unfortunately they are the nature of the beast. Staying hydrated and resting are the most important things to do while recovering from chemo treatment.

And chemo brain is real. It’s very odd to get foggy thinking and become confused. Focusing on things becomes difficult and it’s important to understand this is normal.

Fatigue: for me it lasted for years due to the extreme nature of my treatment. Chemo fatigue makes the once energetic find that getting dressed takes it out of ya! With rest and time this gets better. Please take it easy with yourself and REST when you are tired and NOT feel bad.

 REST IS PARAMOUNT TO RECOVERY! Sleep in your chair... sleep so your body can heal.

Going through chemo is not like going through the flu. Chemo is a buildup of toxic medication in your body to stop cancer cells from growing.

Most of all... be gentle with yourself and REST! You can do this! It’s not going to be easy... find a support system and hang in there... sometimes going through chemo is like walking through a fire and it’s the only way to get rid of cancer.

Hugs to you as you!!!

8 Years Later

It’s amazing how much changes in 8 years. 8 years ago I had just completed 5 rounds of one of the most toxic treatments and a major surgery that included a complete dissection of the left auxiliary (left armpit) lymph nodes for a stage 4 metastatic melanoma diagnosis.  One doctor had said “go home” and another saved my life. The shock and trauma that this type of diagnosis puts a family through is unimaginable.

Yesterday I literally found myself wearing a swimsuit and in the Caribbean sea during the day! The sun came out and I felt vulnerable. Knowing what I know about the dangers of the sun I envy the people who walk without a hat and seem oblivious to sun exposure.

Thoughts for those who’ve unfortunately became a part of the cancer world. Real affects of this life experience of fighting cancer.

 1) PTSD: family members and the cancer patient all experience varying levels of anxieties after faced with death. Caring for yourself and caregivers caring for themselves is beyond important. Joining support groups and leaning on other’s experience, strength, and HOPE is the best advice I can offer. That’s why I share my story of survival.

2) Anxiety of a reoccurring cancer. For me this never really goes away. I will always be a cancer patient on some level. Gratefully the more time that passes the more I’m convinced I beat it! Each day is a gift and more than ever it’s important to be true to your heart.

3) My goal now is to live my authentic life. Say what I mean but don’t say it mean... work hard and play hard because that damn cancer will always be lurking around the corner. Maybe fighting melanoma twice is all I’m destined to experience. While others fight for years...

To all the newly diagnosed, know that there are doctors out there working on a CURE! Know that others have been where you have been and we support you in our prayers! Even if you haven’t met us...

Live life with purpose and have fun when you can. Get out there and wear your sunscreen!

Not to complain....

When you fight cancer you tend to have a different perspective on life. Your perspective changes about pain, about being sick, about most things. There are so many of us cancer patients who have moved on from being in the trenches of the fighting and we carry scars. 

From baldness... to having hair again...  life goes on.  You cannot always see the scars, but they are there. Some of them are physical, while other scars are mental.  I have experienced both, so for those of you who are recently out of cancer treatment, know this is YOUR new normal!

1st For the first few years I hurt. My body was sore from the massive amount of chemotherapy I went through. I had a foggy brain and had a hard time remembering. Chemo brain IS REAL.

2nd For us women, we often go through early menopause. Now this fact is RARELY mentioned or talked about...but when you are only 40 and go through menopause it is quite a shock.

3rd  For the third phase, about 2 1/2 years after treatment we may experience extreme euphoria!  There are moments when you want to TELL EVERYONE, "HEY, I AM ALIVE!!!" This euphoria alternates between massive fear of a reoccurence. The emotional highs and facing the fear of a reoccurence had me on xantax... it is a mind f-ck and scary as hell, combined with gratitude and happiness.

4th Once you are about 5-6 years out of the treatment you begin to feel free. You begin to feel as if you can LIVE again. You can plan LIFE.

5th  Overall, you begin to not give an Eff what others think because you almost died and you did not die and you are here!!!

Me and my bff in Canada last summer!

All I can say... is I will ALWAYS feel the swelling in my arm due to lymphedema and I will always feel sore where the double port was in my right artery near my right collar bone.... I will always think about cancer... BUT I will NOT COMPLAIN BECAUSE I AM ALIVE!   

PERSPECTIVE

I am borrowing the word perspective from a melahomie friend of mine, Kristi.I agree with her so much as this word relates to the concept that we all have a different perspective on life. And those of us that have had cancer, definitely have a different view than others.

My PERSPECTIVE now is that of a survivor.  7 years ago I began down the road of fighting for my life. I had one doctor tell me "go home, there is nothing I can do for you' and another tell me "Stephanie, I am going to try to save your life, and if the shit hits the fan, I will tell you, and it has not hit the fan yet." PERSPECTIVE 

Of course, I went to the 2nd doctor!  He began a serious of experimental treatments called biochemotherapy. This is the hardest chemotherapy regimen on the planet. I received 2 years worth of treatments in 5 months. I was admitted to the hospital for treatments and monitored every 4 hours to make sure I was alive. I lost 60 pounds and all my hair. Brutal?  HARD?  YES!!!

The first few years out of treatment I tried to return to my normal life. My bones hurt. My memory was horrible. Yet, I put one foot in front of the other and refused to give in!  I cried... a lot... who knew depression was caused by interferon?? I found out... FEAR ruled my life. Fear of melanoma returning. I was more afraid than I let anyone know. I had already scared the shit out of my family.


PERSPECTIVE 
Being a cancer SURVIVOR has made a person who DOES NOT PUT UP WITH SHIT.  I stand my ground and speak my mind. (Some may say this is who I have always been.) I know in my heart what I stand for... and I still am afraid of melanoma coming back...but my 7th year of NED has brought me more peace that I am here to stay! 

My view on life now is to GO FOR IT!  AND to help others who are in the fight!  I am heart broken at all the people who have not survived like me, and are gone. Survivor's guilt is real. My survivorship means, to me, that I give back to the cancer community. I am forever a member of this club. One of my best friends joined the club survivor breast cancer, and I cried and cried when she told me her diagnosis. Cancer is a BITCH and I HATE it with all my heart.

I will continue to organize my 5k for Melanoma Awareness and monies to go to research so that one day,others can be told their chances of surviving a melanoma diagnosis of stage 4 are 90% versus the 5-8% I was given.  I want to LIVE LOUD and HAVE ADVENTURES...

If you finding this blog and are newly diagnosed... please have HOPE!  There are many of us diagnosed with Stage 4 and told to go home, and we are HERE!  Surviving cancer changes your perspective. It makes sunrises more beautiful. It makes sunsets and rainbows magical. It helps you truly do what matters with your life!

7 YEARS NED!!!

When you see me today, you would never guess I almost died. I wouldn't guess I almost died. Yet, I did almost die.

Fall of 2010 I was diagnosed with late stage cancer, stage IV melanoma cancer.... spread to my lungs, sacrum, and a large 16 cm tumor in my left armpit which was wrapped around my brachial plexus nerve. It was frightening and painful.  I had 5-8% chance of living 5 years.

Well, I am more than a number and more than odds given to me.  I often like to even forget it happened. But, I will ALWAYS have to be diligent in cancer checkups and due to the HIGH statistics for recurrences in melanoma, I can never not be concerned...
FOR TODAY, I AM ALIVE!!

I am writing today's blog for an update on life at 7 years NED.

For the first couple of years after treatment I spent a lot of time sad. I was dealing with survivor's guilt, PTSD, fear or recurrences, and overall exhaustion from the treatments themselves. My body had bring brought to the edge of death and coming back life WAS extremely HARD. My brain was foggy, my body was TIRED, and my joints HURT. I was unsure I would ever feel "normal" again.

The third and fourth year after treatments I improved in energy levels, my brain was recovering and I overall looked better!  I began putting weight back on and my hair was growing out. (I had lost 60 pounds and all my hair during treatment.) I cried less and was able to have energy for more activities.

The fifth year out of treatment to now: I basically am "normal."  The parts of me that as good as it gets are unseen by all. My left arm suffers from lymphedema. If it is hot or I use it too much, I then swell. I wear a sleeve to help. My brain power is pretty good! I can remember what I need to remember. There are still moments in time that are GONE from my memory. It is so strange to have moments lost.... completely erased from your brain. I compare it to an etch-a-sketch, my treatments completely shook up my brain cells and memory!  My energy levels look good and feel good, but there are still times I basically run out of steam and collapse with exhaustion. It is hard because I am a teacher, the job that asks of its people more and more and more. There is only so much I can give, but I do my best.

SO, anyone out there who is not knowing how they will feel after treatments: BE PATIENT.  You do get back to a "normal" one day. It is okay to sit down, watch a funny movie and let the dishes stack up. It is okay to ask someone to bring you lunch. It is okay to say no to social engagements (or work) because you have given all you can give.

 It is hard to explain to people what cancer treatment does to person's stamina and energy and brain!  I know!  I know people do not understand because I look FINE and it was 7 years ago I stopped treatments. For me, I was on the brink of death and basically have been coming back from that for 7 years and I AM GRATEFUL to be ALIVE.

Take care of you PEOPLE!  HUGS TO ALL MY MELAHOMIES who are in the ACTIVE BATTLE of fighting active disease.

Authentic Self : Lessons from Cancer

It is somewhat cliche to say and cheesy, but I have learned lessons from fighting cancer. It was hard at first to admit there was anything good about the experience. Also, I would never want anyone to go through the life changing experiences of fighting cancer. What I feel is most important for me is that I am now truly, my most Authentic Self.

Explanation:

1) When first diagnosed, I was very sick. The reality that I had a 5-8% chance of living 5 years was a hard pill to swallow. I had just turned 40 and my daughter was only 12. My career was going and I simply had no time for cancer.

OKAY SELF: you do not get to choose to be sick or not to be sick. You had to deal with the diagnosis. Sure,we can do what we can to prevent cancer, but as of late 2010, your path was to FIGHT. If you survive, well, that was out of your hands completely. It is time to truly look inside myself and be true to me only... time to survive!


2) I fought like hell.

round 1 of biochemotherapy

round 2 of biochemotherapy

a visit with my daughter, too tired to do anything but lay in bed

round 3... losing my hair

a visit from my family

my sweet husband

after surgery

finally home!!

During active fighting of cancer, I was in each moment because I did not know if I would wake up. Literally, I would close my eyes and not know if I would open them. You have to be OK with that and you have to allow the medicine to do its job. When treating cancer , there is no guarantee that the cancer will respond. Melanoma likes to go to your brain and liver and for me I had brain MRIs frequently! During treatments I was admitted to the oncology ward of St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica. 

The soul searching I did during treatment is quite hard to explain. I came to believe that there is a poweOK with dying know that my family would survive if I passed. I also wanted to die occasionally to end the pain of the treatment. (I do not tell a lot of people that.) I had to let go of anger and resentments. I was barely alive and thought my last views in the world was going to be Los Angeles Skyline. 

3) YOU ARE ALIVE, NOW WHAT??

Survival: There are many stages after treatments end. 

Here are a few: "HOLY SHIT!! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" "I'M ALIVE!! I'M ALIVE!!!" Survivor's Guilt is real. 

Fear of a reoccurrence is CONSTANT.

People shunned me when I returned home, hardly anyone in my town of 150 residents came to see me and people even turned there back on me in town, literally. Guess I looked scary...sad

HOW CAN I HELP OTHERS WHO ARE FIGHTING?

Now I am 7 years NED and I have learned that I need to be my Authentic Self. What does this??

BE TRUE TO ME

Say what I mean, don't say it mean. 

My life is fantastic now. I moved away from the town that shunned me when I was sick. I still teach children and love helping kids see a value in education. I live near Yosemite and enjoy many hikes and vistas there. I am honest with others and do my best to spread kindness and love into the world. 

me hiking to upper Yosemite Falls!

LIVE TODAY AND BE AWESOME!  BE KIND TO BE OTHERS!  KNOW THERE IS HOPE IN BEATING STAGE IV CANCER, I DID IT, SO CAN YOU!!! BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!

For more about my fight: read my little book. 

My Book